Just had a really uncomfortable moment. Many on this forum will know from my introductory thread that only about a month ago I fled from the BK centre where I lived after a period of what can only be described as complete mind, body and soul control, to the point where I actually left my husband and moved into a property that for all intents and purposes was controlled by this centre. A month ago I left the property and returned to my family home.
My lease on the property next to the BK centre runs out at the end of this month and I have been putting off finally moving out all my stuff because it is early days. I am still vulnerable and I am still bereft, not used to thinking for myself and still feel that maybe I got it wrong and I should be a BK afterall! It took five years to stop thinking for myself, it will take a bit more than five weeks to start again. Anyway, today I finally drove up to the place to move out my stuff and I felt quite sick. I unlocked the door and sorted out a few bills, letters etc, and then braced myself to pop over to the centre and say hello. It was awful. I had no idea that a transmission of Baba through Dadi Galzar is due today. In fact, is transmitting at this very moment.
The atmosphere was chilly to say the least. I still harboured a sense that these people were my friends and would be happy to see me, but they were so cold and distant and the comments being made such as, "well, I won't bother offering you anything to eat" etc. The words were not so bad, it was the tone. I felt that I had gone from a feeling like a member of the family, to now being a rather irritating and unwelcome but tolerated nuisance that must be humoured or they may be dangerous. Even close friends, I thought, who were going along to the centre and appeared to be experiencing the same doubts and questions as I was, just cut me dead.
I had no idea that there was a transmission today and I did not realise that I would be faced with this. It was so horrible that I just fled, leaving most of my stuff in boxes in the place. I will be more prepared tomorrow and I will just go in there, pack my stuff and leave. Not sure at this moment whether I am projecting and it is my own sanskars, suspicion, hostility that is creating the situation, or whether they have come on this site and worked out who I am in spite of using a pseudonym and giving a different location, or whether they just feel hurt and betrayed.
My biggest fear is that they just know that I am 'Sarah' and I just do not know whether to confront them. Would they look on this site? Surely not? Does the BK head office have people looking at this site who inform centres if one of their flock have deserted?
The part of me that regretted leaving has completely gone. I just realise now that their friendship was conditional.
Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone else returned wondering if maybe they got it wrong, only to be given a similarly cold welcome. I really was not going to have anything to do with this forum again after what happened regarding whether or not I was a fraud etc etc, but going back today made me realise why I joined this forum in the first place. There is still a part of me wondering if this is my karma, the fact that I went on this site in the first place and betrayed them. Maybe I do not deserve to be welcomed back by them.
Anyway, it is good to share,
'Sarah' x
My lease on the property next to the BK centre runs out at the end of this month and I have been putting off finally moving out all my stuff because it is early days. I am still vulnerable and I am still bereft, not used to thinking for myself and still feel that maybe I got it wrong and I should be a BK afterall! It took five years to stop thinking for myself, it will take a bit more than five weeks to start again. Anyway, today I finally drove up to the place to move out my stuff and I felt quite sick. I unlocked the door and sorted out a few bills, letters etc, and then braced myself to pop over to the centre and say hello. It was awful. I had no idea that a transmission of Baba through Dadi Galzar is due today. In fact, is transmitting at this very moment.
The atmosphere was chilly to say the least. I still harboured a sense that these people were my friends and would be happy to see me, but they were so cold and distant and the comments being made such as, "well, I won't bother offering you anything to eat" etc. The words were not so bad, it was the tone. I felt that I had gone from a feeling like a member of the family, to now being a rather irritating and unwelcome but tolerated nuisance that must be humoured or they may be dangerous. Even close friends, I thought, who were going along to the centre and appeared to be experiencing the same doubts and questions as I was, just cut me dead.
I had no idea that there was a transmission today and I did not realise that I would be faced with this. It was so horrible that I just fled, leaving most of my stuff in boxes in the place. I will be more prepared tomorrow and I will just go in there, pack my stuff and leave. Not sure at this moment whether I am projecting and it is my own sanskars, suspicion, hostility that is creating the situation, or whether they have come on this site and worked out who I am in spite of using a pseudonym and giving a different location, or whether they just feel hurt and betrayed.
My biggest fear is that they just know that I am 'Sarah' and I just do not know whether to confront them. Would they look on this site? Surely not? Does the BK head office have people looking at this site who inform centres if one of their flock have deserted?
The part of me that regretted leaving has completely gone. I just realise now that their friendship was conditional.
Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone else returned wondering if maybe they got it wrong, only to be given a similarly cold welcome. I really was not going to have anything to do with this forum again after what happened regarding whether or not I was a fraud etc etc, but going back today made me realise why I joined this forum in the first place. There is still a part of me wondering if this is my karma, the fact that I went on this site in the first place and betrayed them. Maybe I do not deserve to be welcomed back by them.
Anyway, it is good to share,
'Sarah' x