Was I imagining it?

Just had a really uncomfortable moment. Many on this forum will know from my introductory thread that only about a month ago I fled from the BK centre where I lived after a period of what can only be described as complete mind, body and soul control, to the point where I actually left my husband and moved into a property that for all intents and purposes was controlled by this centre. A month ago I left the property and returned to my family home.

My lease on the property next to the BK centre runs out at the end of this month and I have been putting off finally moving out all my stuff because it is early days. I am still vulnerable and I am still bereft, not used to thinking for myself and still feel that maybe I got it wrong and I should be a BK afterall! It took five years to stop thinking for myself, it will take a bit more than five weeks to start again. Anyway, today I finally drove up to the place to move out my stuff and I felt quite sick. I unlocked the door and sorted out a few bills, letters etc, and then braced myself to pop over to the centre and say hello. It was awful. I had no idea that a transmission of Baba through Dadi Galzar is due today. In fact, is transmitting at this very moment.

The atmosphere was chilly to say the least. I still harboured a sense that these people were my friends and would be happy to see me, but they were so cold and distant and the comments being made such as, "well, I won't bother offering you anything to eat" etc. The words were not so bad, it was the tone. I felt that I had gone from a feeling like a member of the family, to now being a rather irritating and unwelcome but tolerated nuisance that must be humoured or they may be dangerous. Even close friends, I thought, who were going along to the centre and appeared to be experiencing the same doubts and questions as I was, just cut me dead.

I had no idea that there was a transmission today and I did not realise that I would be faced with this. It was so horrible that I just fled, leaving most of my stuff in boxes in the place. I will be more prepared tomorrow and I will just go in there, pack my stuff and leave. Not sure at this moment whether I am projecting and it is my own sanskars, suspicion, hostility that is creating the situation, or whether they have come on this site and worked out who I am in spite of using a pseudonym and giving a different location, or whether they just feel hurt and betrayed.

My biggest fear is that they just know that I am 'Sarah' and I just do not know whether to confront them. Would they look on this site? Surely not? Does the BK head office have people looking at this site who inform centres if one of their flock have deserted?

The part of me that regretted leaving has completely gone. I just realise now that their friendship was conditional.

Has anyone else experienced this? Has anyone else returned wondering if maybe they got it wrong, only to be given a similarly cold welcome. I really was not going to have anything to do with this forum again after what happened regarding whether or not I was a fraud etc etc, but going back today made me realise why I joined this forum in the first place. There is still a part of me wondering if this is my karma, the fact that I went on this site in the first place and betrayed them. Maybe I do not deserve to be welcomed back by them.

Anyway, it is good to share,

'Sarah' x

Hi, Sarah! Sorry to hear that you received a cold welcome and a cold shower. Do not worry, since we all received plenty of them: I became a samurai, like tempered glass, by receiving such treatments over and over again! And what was their evolution? They continued to be unfriendly, badly mannered people with no capacity to love unconditionally. They feel so holy when Murli transmission live show is happening, that they become even more locked up in their consciousness of belonging to a higher caste. Maybe that's why you perceived them as particularily distant and hostile. Please don't feel that you betrayed them. A Raja Yoga center is, as the word "university" says, a place to study. You can take as much as you wish, and move on.

And if they tried to present themselves as your "spiritual family", and you later discovered that this family is rather dysfunctional, it would be foolish to stay in there. It'd mean betraying your own sense of wisdom and truth and love for your self.

I think there's no need to get paranoid about them guessing who you are. You can inquire further about this with the Forum administration. And even if they did guess or had a way to find out who hides behind your nickname, so what? Does your survival depend on them? At the moment, the organization has become the prey and the Forum the hunter. Whatever "punishment" or bad, intolerant or intimidating behaviour they may have in retaliation to your Forum participation, will be published and visible to anyone who has access to a PC and internet. So, I think you are safe. Happy packing!!!

They are currently under a spell, you have broken yours.

They are not operating normally, they are deluded.

You are not wrong and just try not to think about things like karma for a bit, it's just too confusing.

Hey Sarah!

Reading your post I feel like saying to you "Take a Deep Breath - let it go and breathe normally again, without fear".

Perhaps you are now learning the lesson I've had to learn all these years? - and that is to love yourself enough that no-one else's attitude or opinion matters. You may be learning that on an extremely subtle level, like many of us were, you have been swallowed up and deeply manipulated by an organisation skilled at working with those who are seeking acceptance. I certainly was the same when I joined and it took me a while to understand what my lessons were after I left, and I am still learning it. Anyway, you can make your own food cannot you?, there's is really not that special in any case so good that they did not offer you aything to eat, energetically speaking.

So in some form of cyber support I can suggest that you sit back; do some deep breathing and gently smile again - I honour your courage to face the situation and I acknowledge the courage it took for you to go back to collect your belongings. I never would have but its better you did, as the link is now completely severed, which is why you're probably feeling somewhat unsupported. You're doing fine by my book and will realise it as you go along.

And well done to you, you've pulled our pal Mr Green back on-line - he's in strong form by the sound of it. Perhaps now we'll get a lighter touch that's been missing from the forum for so long ...

Keep smiling and remember to "save planet earth - its the only planet thats got chocolate!" p.s Seen any good movie lately?

And well done to you, you've pulled our pal Mr Green back on-line - he's in strong form by the sound of it, perhaps now we'll get a lighter touch that's been missing from the forum for so long

Yes Paul, I also feel quite honoured to have Mr Green back too!

Going back today to finish off the packing. Feel completely differently about it today. If ever there were any doubts about whether that really was God on those transmissions, it has been totally banished now. It was all just too exclusive to me. I don't know who was transmitting, but not the God of my understanding that is for sure.

Thanks everyone. I think I am now ready to move on and be happy. I should have moved my stuff out ages ago.

Good wishes to all.

'Sarah'

My biggest fear is that they just know that I am 'Sarah' and I just do not know whether to confront them. Would they look on this site? Surely not? Does the BK head office have people looking at this site who inform centres if one of their flock have deserted?

I think we all would be lying if we say that the BKs might not have guessed who you are. They might be spying on this website, but you need not worry. If you are sincere in your feelings nobody can cause any harm to you. You can enjoy life as you wish, but I hope you would keep the company of God.
With warm wishes,
Arjun

Well done and congratulations Sarah - you're moving on, have had a real learning experience regarding (BK) detachment AND are still engaged with the forum! The other replies have given you the input and support you needed to get back over the threshold, so I don't feel the need to add anything to that.

I've been away from the forum for a couple of weeks myself. Am also pleased to see Mr Green back, but was interested in Paul's remark about a lighter touch.

When the forum came back on line after a month's break, I had the definite impression that everything was moving heavily (as though through treacle) except for the threads which you (Sarah) had initiated. Now, after my mini-break, I dip in and find the tone of the thread on BK reform (and professionalism) very heavy and negative. Is it just me? Or do we need more positivity and lightness ...?

Very truly yours,

Sarah,

There is no way they would know your real identity ... do not know from where you are but then the SS and others are too busy in their minds to see who is here and could it be him or her ... it will take a supercomputer to decode what's being written ... unless you disclose who you are ...

I am happy you took that decision to pack and leave ... stay with your experiences and I am sure you will be a lot happier than being in an unwelcome center.

Yogi

In my experience, most BKs would not and do not have anything to do with this forum. As mr green points out, putting aside any negativity towards the BKWSU, the many hard facts and questions raised here across the spectrum would be absolutely "balloon bursting" for their faith, or the "spell" they are under. The only way for most would be to ignore its existence ... and you must have read how they tried to shut it down and, apparently, shut the last ex-BK forum and resource. I also think that "serviceable BKs" have a lot more things to do than snoop on this forum and then call around their centers internationally.

You have a basic human right to discuss such important matters openly. You have a right to seek advice about life decisions. Strictly speaking, BKs, and especially surrendered BK "teachers", DO NOT have any personal rights over and towards you. Their relationship towards you is one of service so, yes, their love is conditional and conditioning. Walk the right way, you get love. Step outside of that, even to question, and you are censored. But, of course, they are still human too and another BK leaving will be a difficult challenge for them too. Even if you chose to become a BK again, I think a more successful path would be to go to a larger center and be more anonymous. Dip in and out as you wish.

Small centers can be pressure pots. Many, as mr green again pointed out once, do not attract new students for many years and this must feel like a reflection on the teacher's stage. It must be difficult because the Murlis and meeting with the spook are full of exhortations to expand and bring more students ("jewels" or "subjects" as they are called). Subtle attachments that most terrible of crime for BKs, which you would call friendship, creep in. My feeling is that it is this human part that is used illicitly to bind other humans into the BKWSU, and this is quite a separate from "god". It is a mistake for us to mix up the two. Read up on the "Stockholm Syndrome" to understand how it works.

I would like to open this question up to look at a broader scenario because I can really only speak of my experience. Is friendship "allowed" for BKs?

In my experience, the deeper in you get, the stronger those censorships I mention above will become, until you can find yourself being "reported to the SS" and receiving the big phone call or having your "ear pulled" in public by one of them. And, don't I know about it! To be honest, I could cope with the public humiliations ... but to think that I was being snitched on by my BK equals was too much, especially when they obviously did not know what was going on or were plain wrong and just jockeying for their own interests.

Another experience you have also saved yourself from is being last week's cake left on the shelf, e.g. no longer the center baby and the center of attention. From what you write, it strikes me that you ought have a think a bit, about your "boundaries", the lines you draw between yourself and others, and ought bolster up your own sense of self. You have the right to do what you want or like; walk in or walk out when you want without having to play up to anyone for acceptance or play anyone else's game. Play your own and play it with style.

Just out of interest, was this other property one they rented out or just rented accommodation they filled with proto-BKs?

Hi ex-l,

Well, firstly, just back from moving out a car load of stuff, still got to move tomorrow and get a van to move bulkier items out over the weekend. I did wonder if they would be about and more disarmingly nice because there was no pressure of me gatecrashing the transmission. Anyway, nobody came out to say hello and I was feeling really strong and just put my radio on really loud and left the doors open. You would not believe what liberation this was. When I lived there I would only even have Sister Jayanti's CDs playing or Bliss! I feel somehow cleansed to be honest.

I really don't know what happened back then, but they cannot touch me now. I think they feel really let down because they had such high hopes for me and the truth is, I never really wanted to play that role. I think I just went along with it to please them, and now I have 'come out of the closet' I feel more relieved that they are being so detached. It would have been freaky if not!

I really do wonder about that question - "are BKs allowed friendships?". I really do wonder. I feel quite sorry for them really, but who am I to judge. I just look forward now to making real flesh and blood relationships with people who do not think that touch is a sin and who are quite happy to give you a hug or kiss you or even mess up your hair if you make them laugh enough! It really has been good to finally start moving stuff out. I feel I am finally coming out of a tunnel and I feel stronger for it.

As for whether they own it. NO. Now I am out of the closet I may as well be frank. The centre is on a hill in a part of the UK and it is surrounded by old farm buildings all owned by one family. The BK centre is rented by a couple of BKs and one of the buildings directly next door to the centre came up for rent. Those running the BK centre persuaded me that it would be a really good idea to rent out the cottage and leave my family, and they put a really convincing case together. It was only ever supposed to be a breathing space for me so that I could get clarity on my situation, but the reality was that I was being groomed on a daily, hourly, basis for BK service and I don't think they realised just how aggressively they went about it. Apparently a complete stranger is now going to move in and he does not even know that their is a BK centre next door.

Anyway, nothing for me to worry about.

Phew, close shave or what!

'Sarah'xx