Feeling Spaced Out

Thanks to all who have contributed and given advice,

I am not too sure about the getting naked advice by ex-I, however, I have had my blood pressure, blood sugar and urine checked today and they're all normal and next week i have to go for some blood tests, so until i find out the results of this, I cannot say whether it is some physiological problem or not.

Starchild, thanks very much for your understanding on the fact that it can be quite a traumatic experience for a child to have to go through. I think you're spot on. Also, I think you may well be very right in that the pain of healing can be quite overwhelming too.

So, at this moment in time, I cannot say exactly what is causing this spaced out feeling, if my blood tests do not show anything, it could be that I still cant pinpoint as to what the cause might be. Only time will tell.

I just wanted to open up the topic because I have been feeling this way for some time and also, in general, I think that my life as a BK has lead me in some ways to constantly feel withdrawn and spaced out and kind of out of touch with my feelings. As I've already shared with you, I am still undergoing professional help in terms of psychotherapy, and I do take any opportunities I get of receiving massage, etc and I am also doing certain activities/courses involving creativity and to balance my left and right brain again. This is what is helping me to keep sane at present.

So I think to conclude there is no right or wrong or one single answer or solution because each one of us have been through and are going through different things. If there is any more relevant information I can share, then I will certainly do so.

I just wanted to get a feel of whether this feeling of being spaced out or zombie-type feeling was common amongst the experiences of BKs/ex-bks and if so, how you were dealing with it yourselves and what methods you were personally applying.

Thanks,
regards
enlightened

Hi enlightened,

I was hoping you'd come back and tell us what you'd been up to and how it was going. Very glad to read that you do quite a lot of the things suggested - but I couldn't help but notice that regular physical exertion was not among them.

It is so basic to life, to use the muscles and sweat glands we have - they are part of the process that is health. To raise a sweat once a day is a simple goal to achieve - whether by jumping on a mini trampoline, running, dancing, drumming - even doing the housework really really fast ... it changes the way your brain works, your body chemistry and appetites etc.

Along with that extrovert activity, the introvert activity you do can shift also the undercurrents. Spacey-ness can be the space or the rift between conscious and subconscious.

Keeping an honest diary, free sketching in a different location to your gloom room, writing fantasies, any of these done without inhibition can reveal much, and even without analysing them they shift moods ... some topics here people talk about their dreams and interpreting them. Even if you don't interpret them, just feeling what they are hinting gives connection back to yourself in a way similar to noticing your own body sensations feedback.

You ask, " I just wanted to get a feel of whether this feeling of being spaced out or zombie-type feeling was common amongst the experiences of BKs/ex-BKs and, if so, how you were dealing with it yourselves and what methods you were personally applying?"

I get spaced out sometimes, and there can be more than one reason at any time, or a different reason at different times.
If it is just short term it is different to a an ongoing long term feeling. What I do depends on that, and what I do is much of what I and others have said here. And at the center of all of them is "do it" don't just think about it.

If I can presume something - is loneliness a factor? Do you have an intimate emotional connection to anyone - a boyfriend or girlfriend? Or occasional casual relationships? Loving human touch, intimacy and loving sex are something that we filthy shudras enjoy because we don't have the pretensions of the Brahmin sense of superiority. If you cannot find Mr Right or Miss Right, go with Miss or Mr left for a while ... its an adventure.

I know myself that is easy to say and hard to do, but there are many avenues these days to meet people in safe ways. This reply is really all about doing what is natural, so one last thing I love - someone said about wading or swimming in salty water. It is more than psychological, it changes your body's chemistry from acid to alkaline. So does walking in a forest, or singing in the rain ... cue video - a great movie to lift the spirits!

stay in touch, best wishes

I am not too sure about the getting naked advice by ex-I, however, I have had my blood pressure, blood sugar and urine checked today and they're all normal ... I just wanted to get a feel of whether this feeling of being spaced out or zombie-type feeling was common amongst the experiences of BKs/ex-BKs and if so, how you were dealing with it yourselves and what methods you were personally applying.

I think it is not just common amongst ex-BKs ... it is often flagged up by cult awareness groups and therapist dealing with many ex-members. Even non-reactionary and non "anti-cult" types. They or psychologists often call it "Dissociation". I am going to dump a copy of some symptoms from here at the bottom of this post ... but I would agree that a 'copy and paste' is a LOT LESS useful to you or anyone than feedback of my personal experiences.

I remember you wrote about abusive physical or sexual experiences both within the BKWSU and afterwards, am I correct? Sorry to bring it up again ... one or more very "Mr Wrongs" adding to the desire to disassociate. I am guess that what you are saying is that you are overweight and have a very negative body image/body attitude in your mind. This is quite normal for BKs/ex-BKs.

Let's be honest, becoming fat is acceptable or even encouraged within the Brahma Kumaris and, of course, eating is an sanctioned emotional release. It may also be that your mother gave you food rather than affection due to cultural and Brahma Kumari hang-ups about touch etc.

Dissociation is one of our primary defense mechanisms ... responding to a frightening stimulus with a "deer-in-the-headlights" response, in the hope the danger will go away by itself.

"Avoiding" takes many forms: simply staying away from hostile places and people, to denial, to mentally checking out — or dissociating — when all other defense methods fail. Our minds protect us from overwhelming stress.

The classic example is the child who is raped. At the time, the child may lose consciousness or enter into a fantasy world. Later as an adult, the raped adult-child may dissociate to protect the mind against the extreme stress of the painful memory or self loathing. People with post-traumatic stress disorder tend to dissociate.

I want to defend and support my statement about safe, non-sexual, non-judgmental nudity. I know it is difficult to find but it is possible and I think it is very healthy post-BK where there are SO MANY hang-ups about the body ... and a culture of total disassociation.

Who else remembers BKs who spoke about their body as "The Body", as if it was something 'out there', far away, an impure object of disgust and a hindrance?

At some point, one has to decide to bring one's consciousness come back into it, accept and enjoy it ... hopefully the sooner the better. Perhaps this is a subject for another topic but I am suggesting it is also part of "grounding". I think many of the ideas above are great, like walking in nature and the sea, I am suggesting taking it even further. Connecting your body and nature again ... coming to terms with it and find some peace with and in your body. I am reminded of that great feminist bible, now turned into a NPO and movement, called "Our Bodies, Ourselves".

So what I am talking about are seeking out healthy, non-sexualised, non-judgment ... NORMAL ... environments where "the body" is not big thing and one is at one with nature. I found this a great help to blow all the BK Victorian values bullsh** away.

Such practical examples would include,

• native American sweat lodge experiences (There are many 'healing' or New Age type festivals in the country, some small and women only, where this is practiced. It is a wonderful experience).
• non-kinky natural nudist beaches (there are safe women only ones but travel South to do so)
• spas, e.g. German or 'Japanese onsen' type experiences - the later are fantastic for 'alkalizing' as many are alkaline baths.
• Scandinavia sauna culture (I find Sweden, Norway, Finland etc all have very natural attitudes towards the body. Ditto Iceland has that bath culture too. These can be combined with other holiday experiences, eg winter sports, walking holidays).
• Being nude in your own home.

Can I ask ... are you English-Indian? You don't have to say. I think that English + Indian is probably the worst possible combination to screw up this aspect of life and that you have to do something radical to escape their cultural orbits.

Lastly, underlining all this to my mind, is doing what I am guessing as a child of a BK you did little of, which is just playing ... playing in nature. I am guessing you missed out on much of the playing in the river, playing in mud, holiday kind of things as your parent/s were too busy 'serving the world'. I don't know but I am asking ...

I chuck this list out for discussion. There is always a danger in amateur appraisals of "list of psychological symptoms" that by the end of the list, you think you have all of them. Relating to the BK experience, how many BKs are actually "doing mediation" and how many are just "Disassociating ... Depersonalizing ... or Derealizating"? Do the leaders ever check and have they any way of knowing what students are doing?

No and none is my answer to that.

Depersonalization: Symptoms of Losing Identity (Gaps)

You sometimes stare off into space, not thinking and unaware of passing time
You sometimes feel like a "witness" to what is happening to your body
When driving, you sometimes realize you don't remember all or part of the trip
Listening to someone talk, you sometimes realize you did not hear what was just said
You sometimes talk aloud to yourself when you are alone
You sometimes find yourself somewhere, with no idea how you got there
You have no memory of some important life events, for example wedding, graduation
You sometimes feel your body does not belong to you
You sometimes remember a past event so vividly you feel you are reliving it
You sometimes aren't sure whether things you remember really did happen or a dream
Sometimes you cannot remember if you did something or just thought about doing it
You sometimes find a familiar place strange and unfamiliar
Watching TV or reading, you sometimes become so absorbed you're unaware of the room around you
You sometimes get so involved in a fantasy or daydream it feels as if it is really happening (may be understood as a "vision")
You act so differently from situation to situation you feel like two different people
You find yourself dressed in clothes you don't remember putting on
You sometimes find new things among your belongings you do not remember buying
Sometimes people approach you whom you don't know. They may call you by another name or insist you've met them before
You notice, or are told, you sometimes do not recognize friends or family members
You sometimes are accused of lying when you do not think you are
You sometimes look in a mirror and do not recognize yourself
You sometimes find you are able to do things with amazing ease and spontaneity that usually are difficult for you (sports, work, social situations, etc.)
You sometimes find evidence you've done something you don't remember doing
You sometimes find writings, drawings, or notes you have done but don't remember doing
You sometimes hear voices that tell you what to do or comment on what you're doing

Derealization: Symptoms of Losing Connection to Reality

You sometimes feel like you are falling into a void
You sometimes feel like you are "outside your body" — alongside, above or behind
You sometimes feel like you are floating
You sometimes feel like you and your surroundings do not seem real
You sometimes see stationary objects appear to move
Sometimes people and objects appear far away or unclear
You sometimes see surroundings through a diffused light, fog or mist (or "fiery" light)
Sometimes your whole body is enveloped in light
You sometimes feel your body is expanded — feels huge/larger than normal
You sometimes feel your body has shrunk to minute proportions/smaller than normal
You sometimes feel your body is being pressed to the ground
You sometimes are unusually sensitive to light and sound
You sometimes have tunnel vision
You sometimes find you can ignore pain

Dear all

Thanks to all of you for your comments and suggestions. i shall certainly take some of them on board. I just wanted to inform you that i shall not be contributing any further to this topic for the time being.

Thanks once again!
regards
enlightened