Waking up to reality

for ex-BKs to discuss matters related to experiences in BKWSU & after leaving.
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annamaria

exiting BK

  • Posts: 14
  • Joined: 24 Jul 2010

Waking up to reality

Post28 Jul 2010

Started reading and posting just a few days ago and felt it was a bit too much to grasp at first but the good new is that the switch flipped and the moment my thinking and feeling is not occupied elsewhere the pennies of all the details why ...

    a) the so called knowledge can impossibly be from God (or anyone else with good intentions)
    b) how lucky I am to be exiting, getting my life back
    c) how stupid and maipulative all the details I've had blind faith in are
    d) why what I am experiencing now is exiting a cult
... keep dropping.

I am amazed and would like to say thank you from the bottom of my very alive heart and re-awakened head (formally know as "divine intellect" but really being shut down, seduced and manipulated intellect)! Gosh, I am so glad to be back to normal - of course it will take some time to really arrive in reality and I am looking at things that will help in this transition in the "real world" beyond the amazing support discovered here, like

    - intensifying friendship activities
    - joining a choir
    - doing sports
    - eating out and/or things I thought of being impure (it is so silly and dead-certain to keep you isolated from human company
    - translating BK-words into normal way of thinking and speaking when I find myself using them in my thoughts
    - breaking the spell of supressing sensual/sexual feeling (e.g. knowledging they are there and just feeling them - which I have started doing long time ago)
I started to do all of that in ways that I felt happy and secure with because I do not want to be violent again pushing myself into things that scare me at this point in time - e.g. I've eaten a vegetarian kebab from a snack bar (was going to right "outside" but that's brainwashed talk again ...) that's been a challenge enough when it comes to diet for now. Also enjoying sensual experiences will need to be discovered step by step as this has been an issue with me pre-BK brainwash anyway (actually probably what seemed to be a dignified way of living without being sexually active is what attracted me most but I've just been much slower and rather shy in this aspect of being a human than most individuals ...). Yes, the spell is breaking and I will find a the litte steps required to break the whole of it.

So this forum will definitely plays a major role in recovering and detoxing from ten yars of split living and thinking!

It is so strange when I look at it now - I always new that what we did/I did by taking it for "God's directions" is very strange and I cant tell it to people. I never told so called non-BKs about the details of practices I was engaged in because I knew its just to crazy for them to thinks of me as a mature, independent, sane human being. Even I never "gave the course" because of that ...

I mean ...

    - getting up at 4.00 am
    - eating only purified and very restictedly
    - dressing in white uniforms for your "studies"
    - showering after bowel movements
... and so on. Anyone not hooked in will instantly see that this will keep you in a hamster wheel and away from a balanced and happy life. BK life is not fulfilled, its just filled. Bottom line.

After being too embarrassed to even think about having done this, I can now say that I am still wondering how I could ever fool myself into this as it seem hard to trust my own reasoning considering that I've been following damaging ideas and practices. Well, I do understand some of the desires I had that made me open to this.

Luckily I've been in counseling, working with an absolutely wonderful, unbiased and clever person for almost two years know. I am sure that's been the biggest factor in transiting that far that I was able to see clearly now, as she would do anything to support my clarity of perception and independence. And I am so glad to know that I have that established already. So I am curious to see her reaction towards me filling her in that I am actually exiting a cult right know. She might have suspected that but I never told even her of anything that would indicate the craziness of BK doctrine and the practises implied to keep people in, which shows the craziness of it all again. Well, I keep shaking my head, there have been so may things that should have raised my attention.

Actually the moderateness of how I "thought" the so called knowledge (what I described in earlier post) is even worse as it makes it harder to see what you get yourself into. But in this video someone posted from a specialist for cult recovery she said this one of the strongest signs of a cult - no membership, nothing that will tell you what you are entering but a step by step process of instilling the so called beliefs and practices in individuals - eye opening.

Anyway, I am alive and awake and that is absolutely wonderful!

There is lots more to say/type but will leave it here for now. I would be more than happy to hear from you!

Also if anyone is knowledgable (using this pretty word in its real meaning) of where some of the ex-BKs active on this forum stay - I would love to find an ex-BK to talk to in person. Great would be someone I knew within the BKs but most of the individuals I saw leaving in my country are still kind of "hanging around" ... Can you send me a pm in that case, as I don't want my identity known to anyone reading in here at this point in time.

Thank you.
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tinydot

ex-BK

  • Posts: 327
  • Joined: 07 Jun 2006

Re: waking up to reality

Post28 Jul 2010

Enjoyed reading this post ...

I bet most of us are happy to read this kind of news.
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filthy shudra

ex-BK

  • Posts: 59
  • Joined: 26 Jun 2010

Re: waking up to reality

Post28 Jul 2010

Annamaria wrote: if anyone is knowledgable.....of where some of the ex-BKs active on this forum stay - I would love to find an ex-BK to talk to in person.... Can you send me a pm in that case, as I do not want my identity known to anyone reading in here at this point in time.

That is one of the paradoxes on a site like this - connecting through anonymity gives security but.... Not even knowing your location to help you meet with others....

i am sure if you contact the Admin of this site directly they may be able to help in some way....? unless it goes against policy - i don't know....
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ex-l

ex-BK

  • Posts: 10661
  • Joined: 07 Apr 2006

Re: waking up to reality

Post28 Jul 2010

tinydot wrote:Enjoyed reading this post ... I bet most of us are happy to read this kind of news.

I'll second that.

And imagine all the terrible impure, sinful things you can do now ... like going to art galleries, craft shop and museums, coffee shops even and ... dare I mention it, the gate way to hell itself ... THE MOVIES!!! ;) You will be able to go for walks in the country and just walk, met new people and not have to think about how to mug them and hand their souls over to Baba. May be even reconnect with your own career and study.

I encourage BKs that "ex-" and use therapy, to have a half-thought about taking some training ... at their own time ... so that they can help others. There are many people going through similar experiences from the BKWSU and other cults ... many get stuck half-way. From mythology, the word which comes to mind is "psychopomp". You've been born, "died alive", been born into a new world, "died alive again", and are now reborn ... again. That's 3 births for the price of one and a training in spiritual midwifery.
From 'Four Quartets' – T.S. Eliot

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from ...

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

A condition of complete simplicity
(Costing not less than everything)
And all shall be well and
All manner of thing shall be well

No, it is not abut The Cycle! Psychopomps are generally thought to be

    adept at guiding others through such serious and transformative experiences
    compassionate, nonjudgmental, and friendly
    walk between social and psychological borders and worlds
    change the way they come across to match settings and times
    agents of change for individuals and cultures
    facilitate healing in unexpected ways
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filthy shudra

ex-BK

  • Posts: 59
  • Joined: 26 Jun 2010

Re: Waking up to reality

Post03 Aug 2010

The topic is "Waking up To Reality". The quote is from "The Possessed" by Fyodor Dostoevsky.
If Stavrogin believes, he does not think he believes.
If Stavrogin does not believe, he does not think that he does not believe.

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