- Posts: 29
- Joined: 28 Dec 2012
- Location: The Netherlands
This is a translation from a dutch story. With excuses for the insufficient translation.
Sixteen years later
last night I found an article of Dorien Brederode, after which I ended up on this forum. It is for me 16 years ago that I decided no longer to take part in the Brahma Kumaris.
Although I always somewhere 'knew ' a part of the story and have sensed it, I was still shocked by what I have read here. Shocked about so many falsehoods that are told, despite what I have experienced in the period I was within the BK, I have always held the BK high, as purer than it turns out to be. I blamed more the Dutch culture and that the big organization and that therefore easily great distortions can occur. I believed in Brahma Baba's story, told as that was.
As a 24 year old student, I became in the Hague at the BK. At that time the centre existed still short and I can remember that we regularly expressed our doubts if all was true and whether the BK would be no sect. Just because we could speak openly about it (and I also had read an article about sects in the Prana), has created that I saw the BK not as a sect, but as an organization in which sect-like things happened, like you can see in other organisations.
I have always realized that I was vulnerable because I didn’t knew absolutely what to do with myself in that period and at the same time I was effected with the vision. I believed and knew from within that it is possible to create a better world together and that it begins to yourself. I have read in that period many (self-help) books, which - together with the meditations and the Murli's - have given me understanding and also have made me stronger. So I discovered, that the way they handled me within the BK seamlessly fit with my family background. I fought against authorities but I always pulled to the shortest end and I felt incredibly powerless. I was emotionally, what was not appreciated, because that was not good for my image as teacher, as Jacqueline (head of the Dutch BK) made me clear once. The God of the BK I found not easy to accept and remained for a very long time a strict Father to me; because I constantly ‘had to‘ (that was what I heard in the Murli).
My parents had a lot of difficulty that I affiliated to the BK, particularly the detachment, the coldness of no touch and that I didn’t want to eat from their food. They responded with fear. Especially in that period I missed their confidence in me and that it was something that I wanted to experience. Ultimately, I showed to be clear and strong enough to stop when it proved for me that I should lose myself totally or not. It is for me still an experience that I did not want to miss.
As I read on the forum, I also became burned out. I increasingly got migraine and I thought to have ME. The care and warmth stayed away. Without saying anything, they deprived me of tasks, because I could no longer function as before. Without explanation, even after I asked.
There was somewhere always en voice in me that told me that something was not right, but I wouldn’t listen to it. Also because I thought it was something in me that was wrong of incapable. Until a therapist opened my eyes and made me clear that in a conflict there are always two persons involved (meanwhile I was 6 years at the BK). There were too many phrases in the Murli that were not love for me, but "maybe it was the translation?" I soothed myself with ... I never dare to ask aloud what was being done with the money that we donated. But I found it strangely that there was no openness about it. So just a few things to mention ...
The data that was called that Destruction would take place provided me a lot of anxiety and stress. I still had so much to do, that I never got it done in the few years left. Once I had decided to go away, it was quite difficult to get rid of this. At the same time I felt a deep pain, because I had not found God yet, because I hadn’t resolved my dysfunctional feelings and thoughts about God and I still thought at that moment that it was the only way to found out. But there was no other way than to leave.
At that time there was no internet. Meanwhile I was in Groningen. Alone. I hardly knew anyone and contact with the BKs stopped pretty quickly. A few years later, after a lot of courses, therapy, groups, etc., when I felt myself strong enough, Lia (the Sister in charge of Groningen, but meanwhile moved to The Hague) came on my path. I decided to visited the Hague Centre. In another building. With that I could finish that period for myself. I could feel how it was. How rigid they did about the kitchen, where I absolutely wasn’t allowed. The kitchen in which I had so often been cooking. And that felt strange.
My development has continued. I healed myself of all pain, sustained in my life. I am now faithful to who I am, to what is true for me and what I want to live. God has remained in the background for a long time, but is now very natural part of me in my life. God is no longer 'somebody' where I travel to, instead I allow God in my life, in my heart. I experience God through my body, in everything I do and say. It is for me a stream that is always present, because there is nothing more in between: I am sincere with myself and others.
I have experienced and seen a lot in those 8 years, both to myself as to others. I see it as a rich period with the insights of now. That insights I share with others, including by writing about it, because I still like sharing my insights, love and light with everyone who is open for it.
This whole story has made me more and more conscious that I want carefully investigate what my intentions are in contacts and in dealing with others, so I let them free, because there is nothing I need from them personally. Dominion (power) is like a sweet assassin who can have you in his grip without seeing it.
©Wonieka A. Meuter
Sixteen years later
last night I found an article of Dorien Brederode, after which I ended up on this forum. It is for me 16 years ago that I decided no longer to take part in the Brahma Kumaris.
Although I always somewhere 'knew ' a part of the story and have sensed it, I was still shocked by what I have read here. Shocked about so many falsehoods that are told, despite what I have experienced in the period I was within the BK, I have always held the BK high, as purer than it turns out to be. I blamed more the Dutch culture and that the big organization and that therefore easily great distortions can occur. I believed in Brahma Baba's story, told as that was.
As a 24 year old student, I became in the Hague at the BK. At that time the centre existed still short and I can remember that we regularly expressed our doubts if all was true and whether the BK would be no sect. Just because we could speak openly about it (and I also had read an article about sects in the Prana), has created that I saw the BK not as a sect, but as an organization in which sect-like things happened, like you can see in other organisations.
I have always realized that I was vulnerable because I didn’t knew absolutely what to do with myself in that period and at the same time I was effected with the vision. I believed and knew from within that it is possible to create a better world together and that it begins to yourself. I have read in that period many (self-help) books, which - together with the meditations and the Murli's - have given me understanding and also have made me stronger. So I discovered, that the way they handled me within the BK seamlessly fit with my family background. I fought against authorities but I always pulled to the shortest end and I felt incredibly powerless. I was emotionally, what was not appreciated, because that was not good for my image as teacher, as Jacqueline (head of the Dutch BK) made me clear once. The God of the BK I found not easy to accept and remained for a very long time a strict Father to me; because I constantly ‘had to‘ (that was what I heard in the Murli).
My parents had a lot of difficulty that I affiliated to the BK, particularly the detachment, the coldness of no touch and that I didn’t want to eat from their food. They responded with fear. Especially in that period I missed their confidence in me and that it was something that I wanted to experience. Ultimately, I showed to be clear and strong enough to stop when it proved for me that I should lose myself totally or not. It is for me still an experience that I did not want to miss.
As I read on the forum, I also became burned out. I increasingly got migraine and I thought to have ME. The care and warmth stayed away. Without saying anything, they deprived me of tasks, because I could no longer function as before. Without explanation, even after I asked.
There was somewhere always en voice in me that told me that something was not right, but I wouldn’t listen to it. Also because I thought it was something in me that was wrong of incapable. Until a therapist opened my eyes and made me clear that in a conflict there are always two persons involved (meanwhile I was 6 years at the BK). There were too many phrases in the Murli that were not love for me, but "maybe it was the translation?" I soothed myself with ... I never dare to ask aloud what was being done with the money that we donated. But I found it strangely that there was no openness about it. So just a few things to mention ...
The data that was called that Destruction would take place provided me a lot of anxiety and stress. I still had so much to do, that I never got it done in the few years left. Once I had decided to go away, it was quite difficult to get rid of this. At the same time I felt a deep pain, because I had not found God yet, because I hadn’t resolved my dysfunctional feelings and thoughts about God and I still thought at that moment that it was the only way to found out. But there was no other way than to leave.
At that time there was no internet. Meanwhile I was in Groningen. Alone. I hardly knew anyone and contact with the BKs stopped pretty quickly. A few years later, after a lot of courses, therapy, groups, etc., when I felt myself strong enough, Lia (the Sister in charge of Groningen, but meanwhile moved to The Hague) came on my path. I decided to visited the Hague Centre. In another building. With that I could finish that period for myself. I could feel how it was. How rigid they did about the kitchen, where I absolutely wasn’t allowed. The kitchen in which I had so often been cooking. And that felt strange.
My development has continued. I healed myself of all pain, sustained in my life. I am now faithful to who I am, to what is true for me and what I want to live. God has remained in the background for a long time, but is now very natural part of me in my life. God is no longer 'somebody' where I travel to, instead I allow God in my life, in my heart. I experience God through my body, in everything I do and say. It is for me a stream that is always present, because there is nothing more in between: I am sincere with myself and others.
I have experienced and seen a lot in those 8 years, both to myself as to others. I see it as a rich period with the insights of now. That insights I share with others, including by writing about it, because I still like sharing my insights, love and light with everyone who is open for it.
This whole story has made me more and more conscious that I want carefully investigate what my intentions are in contacts and in dealing with others, so I let them free, because there is nothing I need from them personally. Dominion (power) is like a sweet assassin who can have you in his grip without seeing it.
©Wonieka A. Meuter