Kubler Ross's Stages of the Loss Process applied to BKs.

In 1969, the psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote one of the most influential books in the history of modern psychology, 'On Death and Dying'. It exposed the heartless treatment of terminally-ill patients, altering the care and treatment of dying people in the West, and postulated the five stages of grief surrounding death; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. (See below).

These have since been applied to other losses. Here I am offering them to those dealing with the loss of a friend, partner or member of your family to the BKWSU ... those who have quote-unquote literally "died alive", as the Brahma-kumaris call and encourage it.

In the last 40 years, some practitioners have suggest the 'stages models' too simplistic and instead look at the dynamics and experiences common to all. The ebb and flow of processes such as shock and numbness, yearning and searching, disorganization and despair. They have noted the feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal and the anesthetizing affect.

Kubler Ross herself wrote, "The stages have evolved since their introduction, and they have been very misunderstood over the past three decades. They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order."

Psychiatrists say, "whenever one's identity and social order face the possibility of destruction (not meaning the Brahma Kumaris' "End of the World" here), there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless, and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings". Disorganization and despair are commonly associated with bereavement: the mourning and severe pain of having the loved one taken away. A redefining of life and meaning without the person that has been lost has to be found and made.

The questions are; What do we do with these feelings? How do we use them productively? How do we relate to a "dead" loved one being alive only for the Brahma Kumaris?

Stages of the Loss Process by Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Content:

What are the stages of the loss process?

A loss experience involves the following five stages of emotional response: 1) denial, 2) bargaining, 3) anger,
4) despair, 5) acceptance.

• These five stages can occur in either the sequence presented or in any variety of sequence.
• The stages can recur during a loss experience.
• One stage can last a long time, uninterrupted.
• These five stages can occur in either the sequence presented or in any variety of sequence.
• The loss process can last anywhere from three months to three years.
• These stages of grief are normal and are to be expected.
• It is healthier to accept these stages and recognize them for what they are rather than to fight them off or to
ignore them.
• Working out each stage of the loss response ensures a return to emotional health and adaptive functioning.
• Getting outside support and help during the grieving process will assist in gaining objectivity and
understanding.

Stage 1. Denial

• We deny that the loss has occurred.
• We ignore the signs of the loss.

We begin to use:

• Magical thinking believing by magic this loss will go away
• Excessive fantasy believing nothing is wrong; this loss is just imagined; when I wake up everything will be
OK.
• Regression believing that if we act childlike and want others to reassure us that nothing is wrong.
• Withdrawal believing we can avoid facing the loss and avoid those people who confront us with the truth.
• Rejection believing we can reject the truth and those who bring us the news of our loss to avoid facing the
loss.

Stage 2. Bargaining

• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves
• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away
• We bargain or strike a deal with God, ourselves, or others to make the loss go away.
• We promise to do anything to make this loss go away.
• We agree to take extreme measures in order to make this loss disappear.
• We lack confidence in our attempts to deal with the loss, looking elsewhere for answers.

We begin to:

• Shop around believing we look for the "right" agent with the "cure" for our loss.
• Gamble believing we can take chances on "cures" for our loss.
• Take risks believing we can put ourselves in jeopardy financially, emotionally, and physically to get to an answer or "cure" for our loss.
• Sacrifice believing in our pursuit of a ``cure'' to change the loss we can ignore our real needs.

Stage 3. Anger

• We become angry with God, with ourselves, or with others over our loss.
• We become outraged and incensed over the steps that must be taken to overcome our loss.
• We pick out "scapegoats" on which to vent our anger, e.g., the doctors, hospitals, clerks, helping agencies,
rehabilitation specialists, etc.

We begin to use:

• Self-blaming believing we should blame ourselves for this loss.
• Switching blame believing we should blame others for this loss.
• Blaming the victim believing we should blame the victim for leaving us.
• Aggressive anger believing we have a right to vent our blame and rage aggressively on the closest target.
• Resentment believing our hurt and pain is justified to turn into resentment toward involved in our loss event
including the victim.

Anger is a normal stage. It must be expressed and resolved; if it is suppressed and held in, it will become "Anger
in" leading to a maladaptive condition of depression that drains our emotional energy.

Stage 4. Despair

We become overwhelmed by the anguish, pain, and hurt of our loss; we are thrown into the depths of our emotional response.

• We can begin to have uncontrollable spells of crying, sobbing, and weeping.
• We can begin to go into spells of deep silence, morose thinking, and deep melancholy.
We can begin to experience:
• Guilt believing we are responsible for our loss.
• Remorse believing we should feel sorry for our real or perceived ``bad past,'' deeds for which this loss is some form of retribution or punishment.
• Loss of hope believing that because the news of our loss becomes so overwhelming that we have no hope of being able to return to the calm and order our life held prior to the loss.
• Loss of faith and trust believing that because of this loss we can no longer trust our belief in the goodness and mercy of God and mankind.

We need support to assist us in gaining the objectivity to reframe and regroup our lives. If we are not able to work through our despair, we risk experiencing events such as mental illness, divorce/separation, suicide, inability to cope with the aftermath of our loss, rejection of the family member who has experienced the loss, and detachment, poor bonding, or unhealthy interaction with the parties involved in our loss.

Stage 5. Acceptance

We begin to reach a level of awareness and understanding of the nature of our loss. We can now:

• describe the terms and conditions involved in our loss.
• fully describe the risks and limitations involved in the treatment or rehabilitation for the loss involved.
• cope with our loss.
• test the concepts and alternatives available to us in dealing with this loss.
• handle the information surrounding this loss in a more appropriate way.

We begin to use:

• Rational thinking believing we are able to refute our irrational beliefs or fantasy thinking in order to address our loss from a rational perspective.
• Adaptive behavior believing we can begin to adjust our lives to incorporate the changes necessary after our loss.
• Appropriate emotion believing we begin to express our emotional responses freely and are better able to verbalize the pain, hurt, and suffering we have experienced.
• Patience and self-understanding believing we can recognize that it takes time to adjust to the loss and give ourselves time to "deal" with it. We set a realistic time frame in which to learn to cope with our changed lives.
• Self-confidence believing, as we begin to sort things out and recognize the stages of loss as natural and
expected, that we gain the confidence needed for personal growth.

We can be growing in acceptance and still experience denial, bargaining, anger, and despair. To come to full acceptance we need support to gain objectivity and clarity of thinking. It is often useful to gain such assistance from those who have experienced a similar loss. For example, groups of parents who have experienced the death of a child or who have had a child with a developmental disability.

Peer support from strangers is often the best way for a person to deal with the grieving process.