24 Mar 2009
In response to leela:
I just want to give you a big hug leela. I feel you are really trying to break through the chains of your victim paradigm.
Do you know what happened to me last night? I had the first BK nightmare since joining this forum. I saw the point of light pulling me in with its gentle-loving tug, and I felt like an addict who really wanted her fix. I did not fall for it so then the justifications came in: "but you liked it remember? and it felt so good. just do it once, it'll make you feel better because you don't feel so good right?"
I even ripped a button off my pajama. Pretty wild aye? Must have been fighting for my life.
I was dreaming of people in rifle shooting practice using blanks, but then the opposing team let go of real "fire" and a young attractive girl caught on fire. I saw her shocked face while she burned alive and I started screaming. That's when I woke up. I know what this dream is about. It's the ego trying to shut me down again, trying to scare me because I am freeing myself. The girl burning is a reminder of the witch hunts when people burned truthsayers alive.
It used to be an irrational but real fear of mine mainly because while I was in Madhuban I had what seemed like a spontaneous past life regression where, in meditation, I was shown a "movie" of such a death. It was so real I cried for two days and wanted to leave immediately, but I was convinced to stay on. Was it a past-life I was remembering? Or was I picking up on the "no-speak or suffer dire consequences" energy? Or was the entity giving me a scare to "warn" me to keep my mouth shut? I don't know anymore. But I DO KNOW THAT I MUST speak and let the chips fall where they may.
Healing is a long process and I have deep compassion for you. I did not suffer from sexual abuse at home, but we had other dysfunctions that caused me all kinds of painful emotional confusion. Personally, I would prefer to keep my mouth shut and be a good girl because confrontation is difficult. The counter attacks can be brutal and my sensitvity to energy absorbs them like poison. But then I begin to wither and die a slow death. So I have gone back and forth between the "lesser of the two evils" many times in my life which makes me feel kind of schizo at times.
I really truly wish for you to heal soon so you can be free to live without guilt. All the things we do, Yoga, reiki, therapy,dream work, sharing, the BK's (ugh) etc., are healing tools that will lead us there slowly but surely. I have become a child Yoga instructor and a reiki practitioner amongst other energy healing titles on my road to healing because as the saying goes: "To learn, read. To know, write. To master, teach." What I needed to do was master the child in me to understand the healing process.
p.s.
I don't know this song but I will look it up. I think it's quite funny that she got arrested for screaming in her car! lol!
in response to terry:
Ever since I was a child I have attracted people who take drugs. For a long time, it was just recreational drugs which was harmless but I often had a boyfriend who was addicted to pot. And then it was my husband. And then after the divorce, I attracted boyfriends who had serious addictions to hard drugs. Yet I couldn't understand why!! I don't do drugs. I don't even party! I like to read and write and study. I don't drink either.
I went to Alanon, friends of addicts and got some understanding because it was beginning to drive me crazy. But it just got worse and worse and the characters I attracted could fill a book. Finally, I met the BKs and realized that it would be better for me to seek shelter in a "pure" environment in order to avoid all these lost souls. Hmmm ... What do you think of that?
So here is the verdict: I was attracting addicts to reflect my own addiction to dependency. Strange to discover about an "independent" rebellious girl like me, but my co-dependency was revealed by the trauma I experienced when my husband, whom I was joined at the hip with, left our eight year marriage for no other reason than he was ready to move on. And then I met a BK Brahmin who pulled me into his own dysfunctional drama which took a few years to comprehend too.
I really hope I am done now.
I just want to give you a big hug leela. I feel you are really trying to break through the chains of your victim paradigm.
Do you know what happened to me last night? I had the first BK nightmare since joining this forum. I saw the point of light pulling me in with its gentle-loving tug, and I felt like an addict who really wanted her fix. I did not fall for it so then the justifications came in: "but you liked it remember? and it felt so good. just do it once, it'll make you feel better because you don't feel so good right?"
I even ripped a button off my pajama. Pretty wild aye? Must have been fighting for my life.
I was dreaming of people in rifle shooting practice using blanks, but then the opposing team let go of real "fire" and a young attractive girl caught on fire. I saw her shocked face while she burned alive and I started screaming. That's when I woke up. I know what this dream is about. It's the ego trying to shut me down again, trying to scare me because I am freeing myself. The girl burning is a reminder of the witch hunts when people burned truthsayers alive.
It used to be an irrational but real fear of mine mainly because while I was in Madhuban I had what seemed like a spontaneous past life regression where, in meditation, I was shown a "movie" of such a death. It was so real I cried for two days and wanted to leave immediately, but I was convinced to stay on. Was it a past-life I was remembering? Or was I picking up on the "no-speak or suffer dire consequences" energy? Or was the entity giving me a scare to "warn" me to keep my mouth shut? I don't know anymore. But I DO KNOW THAT I MUST speak and let the chips fall where they may.
Healing is a long process and I have deep compassion for you. I did not suffer from sexual abuse at home, but we had other dysfunctions that caused me all kinds of painful emotional confusion. Personally, I would prefer to keep my mouth shut and be a good girl because confrontation is difficult. The counter attacks can be brutal and my sensitvity to energy absorbs them like poison. But then I begin to wither and die a slow death. So I have gone back and forth between the "lesser of the two evils" many times in my life which makes me feel kind of schizo at times.
I really truly wish for you to heal soon so you can be free to live without guilt. All the things we do, Yoga, reiki, therapy,dream work, sharing, the BK's (ugh) etc., are healing tools that will lead us there slowly but surely. I have become a child Yoga instructor and a reiki practitioner amongst other energy healing titles on my road to healing because as the saying goes: "To learn, read. To know, write. To master, teach." What I needed to do was master the child in me to understand the healing process.
p.s.
Do you know Dory Previn's song from the 1970s - Screaming in the Fast Lane? She used to do just that and got arrested for it! It's a great song.
I don't know this song but I will look it up. I think it's quite funny that she got arrested for screaming in her car! lol!
in response to terry:
terry wrote:how did your relationship with someone who was an addict or a victim affect you? Did it shape you, affect the reason you came to Raja Yoga (actually or in hindsight) or how you behaved whilst involved (e.g. tolerating bad or dysfunctional behaviour etc.?)
Ever since I was a child I have attracted people who take drugs. For a long time, it was just recreational drugs which was harmless but I often had a boyfriend who was addicted to pot. And then it was my husband. And then after the divorce, I attracted boyfriends who had serious addictions to hard drugs. Yet I couldn't understand why!! I don't do drugs. I don't even party! I like to read and write and study. I don't drink either.
I went to Alanon, friends of addicts and got some understanding because it was beginning to drive me crazy. But it just got worse and worse and the characters I attracted could fill a book. Finally, I met the BKs and realized that it would be better for me to seek shelter in a "pure" environment in order to avoid all these lost souls. Hmmm ... What do you think of that?
So here is the verdict: I was attracting addicts to reflect my own addiction to dependency. Strange to discover about an "independent" rebellious girl like me, but my co-dependency was revealed by the trauma I experienced when my husband, whom I was joined at the hip with, left our eight year marriage for no other reason than he was ready to move on. And then I met a BK Brahmin who pulled me into his own dysfunctional drama which took a few years to comprehend too.
I really hope I am done now.
.