Appropriate boundaries

The latest Code of Ethics, being developed here, uses the term "appropriate boundaries" and states;

1) Members must act in a way that they reasonably believe to be in the best interests of other members and the general public. Members must maintain appropriate boundaries in their relationships with other members and respect them at all times.

I think this issue of "psychological boundaries" is a very important one to discuss. I think that most of us would have to agree that as a Brahma Kumari follower, our boundaries were utterly invaded by a system that encouraged us to have, e.g. write daily diaries documenting and statistically accounting for any "impurity", confess our sins past or present and placed us under a close 7 day a week scrutiny during which we were likely to be reported ... in an entirely unaccountable manner and in secret ... to a Senior Sister by an often unqualified or unprofessional "teacher". An almost complete social inability to refuse the instructions of a Senior Sister, or even junior center-in-charge, who is allegedly supernaturally empowered by a "god" to instruct you in every element of your life and become a conduit for good fortune in return.

This condition is even worse for children growing up within the BKWSU. They were born into believing they had a god and an invisible godman - and supernatually empowered senior Sisters - who allegedly could see into their minds and all of their impure, read evil, thoughts and actions ... even fly around in ghostly forms spying on them. A total invasion of our innermost being encouraged under the guise of "surrendering to God" in order to gain wordly riches for a "Heavenly" 2,500 years ... for eternity in fact.

I am sorry ... but how insane does that sound to you now? How many of us stood up within the system to stop such abuse?

In order to have good, appropriate boundaries, a person has to know himself or herself. Very often in dysfunctional families, which a number of people come from, people are systematically taught some very crazy rules that make this self-knowledge problematic.

One of these dysfunctional family rules is the idea of being perfect which is a crazed thought. If a person believes that they have to be perfect, they will become shut off from a very large part of their emotional and intellectual self-knowledge, which does not allow for the establishment of healthy boundaries.

There is no way a person could have good boundaries if they buy into that particular logic. If a parent feels they and the child have to be perfect, then that parent will systematically disagree and invalidate many aspects and characteristics that the child has that would simply be human.

However, there is also a flip side to this. There are those that are invaded, the followers, and those that invade, the leaders and center-in-charges. I would argue, the system rewards those that invade others. Many of whom could literally be unchecked psychopaths.

Individuals come out of such a system could either be (not exclusively but including);

• habitual victims ... open to abuse
• skilled abusers ... skilled and empowered in gross and subtle abuses (and let's be honest, the BKWSU is about subtle abuses except for on a financial level where is it a very gross abuse bordering on fraud) or
• skilled victims ... individuals for whom victimhood is a way of life and is used to manipulate others into geting what they want, or think they need.

The theory is, a pool of "habitual victims" attracts "abusers" to prey on ... and "skilled abusers" seek out abuser, skilled or not, that they can lay blame on and justify their own actions. The archetypal "abuse woman syndrome".

Boundaries in relationship also apply to normal, healthy human relationships but what are they ... how far do they go ... what "rights" and responsibilities do we have to one another?

One party might want love NOW; the other party might be exhausted
One party might want this type of relationship.; the other party might want that type of relationship.

Who gets what and how?

It is my opinion, metaphorically speaking, that many of the problems exiting and ex-BK suffers is heading straight out into the world with the vampire bites still bleeding on thier necks and no idea or ability to defend themselves from the vampires in the far rougher outside world. Without closing those wounds, one will bleed to death.

There are also intense cultural difference in "appropriate boundaries". What works in India might not in the West. What is acceptable in India, is not in the West; and vice-versa. In my experience, little consideration was given to this ... this may have changed with time. Adult Westerners were censored and controlled by expectations like adolescent Sindi girls ... by such adolescent Sindi girls who had grown up into empowered adults largely within their own - externally financed - bubble.

I do not have any final answers. I only wanted to start discussion. My final thought is to quote an unnamed Buddhist teacher who defined the "Thou Shalt Not Steal" of Christianity or do not steal of the 5 precepts as,

Not taking that which is not given

To attempt to take from someone else on any level, that which is not given ... is a theft. It even goes beyond that to know that someone that is apparently "giving" might not be in a right state of mind to know whether it is right to give ... and that it is one's duty of care NOT to take in such a situation.

This is a far cry from the market bazaars of Sind where profit at another's expense was not just acceptable but admirable. Its a shame the BKs leadership is so fundementalis and literal ... perhaps when their Baba spoke of not accepting the "dirty sweet meats" of the open markets, he was talking of the easy pickings of the lives, wealth and spirits of others outside of their closed community?

We have explored the Brahma Kumaris movement within the context of cult awareness ... this piece, taken slightly abridged from the source linked to, is intented to look at the BK experience from the level of relationship.

Boundaries by Elyce Benham, MS, NCC, CCFC, LPC

A boundary can be defined as (1) the limits that mark off the self from the object (or other person). (2) Boundary has also been used to refer to the invisible line that separates the participants in a relationship and allows each to maintain a separate identity and to fulfill the obligations and responsibilities that are implicitly or explicitly understood as being part of his/her role.

Boundary violations refer to stepping over that invisible line, such as the one that separates the professional from the client or the physician from the patient, using the power imbalance between therapist and patient to exploit the patient.

A similar boundary violation for a relationship would be one partner quitting their job or refusing to work, then running up bills so that the other person has to try to pay them. Another example would be a partner who is a therapist "gaslighting" the other person ... using their knowledge to convince them that they're the one with the problems.

Most boundary violations follow a similar pattern over time, beginning with subtle manifestations that may seem to be no more than exaggerated and flattering courtesy, followed by informality and demonstrations of friendliness, progressing to too much self-disclosure, and more intimate behaviors. For example, if you don’t feel close to someone and they reveal very personal information to you, you may feel "imposed upon" or "stressed". Your personal boundaries may have been violated by this person’s disclosures -- which presume a relationship that does not exist in your shared reality. (In this situation, it's often a good idea to stop and say to yourself "Why is this person telling me this?")

The context of a relationship and the type of relationship determines appropriate closeness and distance.. Appropriate boundaries are necessary for individuals and for any relationship to prosper. The following are some things to consider about whether or not you have appropriate boundaries. Please remember that these are very general statements and that appropriate boundaries vary within the context of a relationship.

Example: Even if you are married, there may be times when a particular behavior is usually appropriate, but may not be under certain circumstances, i.e. physical intimacy (sex) may be appropriate at whatever rate the partners decide, but not appropriate if one partner is coerced or if one partner is ill. (Note: the word "partner" is used in the following, but please feel free to substitute whatever term applies to your situation).

1) In a healthy relationship, each person is whole and intact. Each person can still live if something happened to the other, or if the relationship ended. Death or dissolution of a relationship is painful, but it doesn't mean that you will cease to exist.

Quick Quiz

a) Do you feel like most of your time is demanded by your partnership
b) Do you feel free to plan you day according to your own priorities?

For example, if you answered yes to "a", you may need to work on your personal boundaries.

2) Each person needs to have his/her own thoughts and feelings, and each to take responsibility for his/her actions. Not having your own thoughts, feelings or responsibilities may mean that you're in an enmeshed relationship. Enmeshment may feel like "closeness" or "intimacy", but it is not ... it means that someone's individuality is being squashed. The enmeshed individual is not "known" or "heard" or really entitled to be a contributor to a healthy relationship.

If your partner "blames" you for their behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings, then they are not processing in an adult and mature manner. This constitutes a boundary violation because your partner is not accepting responsibility for his/her behaviors, but rather is attempting or succeeding in getting you to take that responsibility for them. When someone abdicates responsibility for their own behaviors, they give their own personal "power" to someone else. Now that object, or other person, is "controlling" them. This gives the partner the message that they cannot take care of themselves, and can feed raging or "acting out" behaviors that can include verbal and/or physical violence.

Quick Quiz

Does your partner hold you responsible for his/her thoughts, emotions, actions? If the answer is "yes", your personal boundaries are being violated. You are being asked to be responsible for someone else perhaps at the expense of your own well-being.

3) If your partner wants, insists or demands that you terminate other important relationships in your life (friends, family, etc) then they are isolating you. This is abusive.

In order to "brainwash" or to have power and control over another person, the first step is to isolate the victim. By doing this, the person has managed to cut off any feedback that the potential victim has from others. It reduces the possibility of good "reality testing" about what is happening. It also will make the potential victim more dependent upon the perpetrator. That will facilitate the movement of your personal power and control over to your partner. This shift in power indicates that a major boundary breach has been made.

Quick Quiz

Does your partnership isolate you from other relationships or sources of support? If the answer is yes, you may need to rebuild a healthy support network.

4) If your partner wants, insists or demands that you take care of all or most of their needs, this may be an indicator of dependency at an unhealthy level.

Dependency is not the same as "counting on each other" or "working together". It is that shift of personal power from the self to another. Instead of being able to meet one's own needs appropriately, the partner now has you taking care of them and being responsible for everything that happens. Not just the "good" stuff, but the "not so good stuff", too.

It is difficult enough to meet one's own needs, let alone somehow ending up being responsible for your needs and someone else's. We expect to meet the needs of a baby or small child, but when the power if shifted in this manner with an adult, it actually sets up a dynamic in which you are the "parent" and the partner is now, effectively, the "child". As I mentioned above, this is not a healthy dynamic. It destroys true intimacy, neither person is acting in an "adult" way, and it erodes the self-confidence of both parties.

This dynamic also sets up all kinds of anger ... anger because you're trying to do more than your share, and anger in the partner, who, again, is having the message, "You cannot take care of yourself" reinforced.

5) If your partner's values, beliefs, thoughts and/or feelings appear to change depending upon whom s/he is around, this may indicate an unstable sense of self.

This can mean that your partner may "look" and "act" like they have inspected their values, thoughts, feelings, etc., when they haven't. You may find that the person you thought you were involved with changes constantly. You never know what your partner might "be" or "do". There is no constancy....you're left wondering just who this person is and what they do believe in. Without this constancy, there can be no working toward mutually accepted goals, because those goals, values, etc. change depending upon who your partner is around.

People with an unstable sense of self look to others to provide that "self" for them. "Tell me who I am." "Tell me what I should wear ... how I should act ... what I should feel." This, again, shifts the responsibility over to other people. That unbalanced dynamic is again in play which destroys people operating as adults.

Quick Quiz

Is your partnership constantly unbalanced by your partners inconsistency? How does that affect: Your daily life? Functioning? Self-image?

6) The partners in a relationship need to remain as individuals with their own interests.

In a healthy partnership or relationship, the individuals are interdependent rather than dependent upon each other. This may change if a partner is ill or disabled physically or mentally. But the focus still is to make sure that even if disabled, that partner does as much as s/he is capable of doing for him/herself. Without your own interests and the ability to meet as many of your own needs as possible, then who you "are" again becomes "externalized" ... there is no real "you" but only what others provide. If your partner is not able or willing to define themselves, they are shifting their responsibility onto others or onto you. This, again, places the burdens onto one person.

Quick Quiz

Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to provide all things to another person? What do you think this will do to your self-esteem ... your energy level? Do you think that this is a balanced relationship? What would a balanced relationship look like to you? Be as specific as possible.

7) Our internal image of ourselves and our partner needs to fit with reality. If your partner has a "false" or "fantasy" image of you that is not within reasonable limits, you may be abandoned or punished in some way when you feel, think or act in a way that doesn't validate the other's fantasy image.

If your partner refuses to touch you or talk to you, they have withdrawn. This may be because their internal image of you doesn't match who you really are at a given moment. Not talking to your partner may also be a form of "punishment" for a particular behavior. A healthy adult needs to be capable of discussing behaviors that they find objectionable. Not talking is an immature way to deal with issues. Emotional withdrawal is not a form of appropriate distance or boundaries.
8) Respect of each person's values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions are imperative. That doesn't mean that both individuals must have exactly the same values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, but that they are compatible. Each person has a right to his/her own emotions, etc. and to have those validated.

If your partner tears you down, makes fun of your values, beliefs, thoughts and emotions, or vacillates between "over idealizing" and "devaluing" you, it is a sign that they do not respect you and may not be able to hold a constant image of you composed of both negative and positive aspects.
9) If your partner engages in illegal or unethical practices, then this breach of acceptable behaviors violates your boundaries.
10) If your partner engages in psychological, emotional and or physical violence, it indicates they are unable to control their emotions.
11) Emotional stability is an indicator of a healthy and mature adult. We all have days when we're upset or having a difficult time. But if your partners mood shift rapidly or if they are unable to control their emotions, this may be an indicator of a serious mental disorder.
12) Each person needs to pay attention to their own needs.

If you are doing so much for other people in your life that you are no longer attending to your own needs on a daily basis, then you may be enmeshed. Conversely, if your partner is not paying attention to their own needs and/or if they expect or demand that you take care of their needs, then the personal and relationship boundaries are inappropriate.

Ways you can deny your true self and weaken your emotional boundaries

1) Pretending to agree when you disagree.
2) Concealing your true feelings.
3) Going along with an activity that you really don't want to do and never stating your preference.
4) Declining to join an activity you really want to do.
5) Pushing yourself beyond your limits.
6) Working too hard or too long.
7) Doing too much for others.
8) Not resting when tired.
9) Ignoring your needs.
10) Not eating regular and healthy meals.
11) Insufficient sleep.
12) Too little or too much time alone.
13) Too much or too little exercise.
14) Insufficient contact with people who truly care about you.
15) Insufficient to too many leisure activities.
16) Using chemicals to avoid yourself: these include drugs and/or alcohol.
17) Using compulsions to avoid yourself: these include eating, starving, exercise, work, shopping, spending, TV, sex, games, sports, etc. that are done compulsively or to excess.

Joy Miller's 10 'Demandments' - 10 rules to live by to insure unhappiness in a relationship:

1. Thou shall make me happy.
2. Thou shall no have any interests other than me.
3. Thou shall know what I want and what I feel without me having to tell you.
4. Thou shall return each one of my sacrifices with an equal or greater sacrifice.
5. Thou shall shield me from anxiety, worry, hurt or any pain.
6. Thou shall give me my sense of self-worth and esteem.
7. Thou shall be grateful for everything I do.
8. Thou shall not be critical of me, show anger toward me or otherwise disapprove of anything I do.
9. Thou shall be so caring and loving that I need never take risks or be vulnerable in any way.
10. Thou shall love me with a whole heart, a whole soul and a whole mind, even if I do not love myself.

Remember, too, that developing and maintaining healthy physical and emotional boundaries takes work. Boundaries are like muscles ... they need to be exercised appropriately. Development of those boundaries, if you weren't fortunate enough to have learned good ones in your family of origin or if yours were eroded, is a process. It takes time and work to find those "muscles" and learn how to use them in ways that promote your personal growth, development and safety

Elyce Benham thanks Anne Katherine, author of "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" and Joy Miller, author of "Addictive Relationships: Reclaiming Your Boundaries" for their contributions to this body of work.

Hi. Thanks for this contribution.

our boundaries were utterly invaded by a system that encouraged us to have, e.g. write daily diaries documenting and statistically accounting for any "impurity", confess our sins past or present and placed us under a close 7 day a week scrutiny during which we were likely to be reported ... in an entirely unaccountable manner and in secret ... to a Senior Sister by an often unqualified or unprofessional "teacher". An almost complete social inability to refuse the instructions of a Senior Sister, or even junior center-in-charge, who is allegedly supernaturally empowered by a "god" to instruct you in every element of your life and become a conduit for good fortune in return.

This condition is even worse for children growing up within the BKWSU. They were born into believing they had a god and an invisible godman - and supernatually empowered senior Sisters - who allegedly could see into their minds and all of their impure, read evil, thoughts and actions ... even fly around in ghostly forms spying on them. A total invasion of our innermost being encouraged under the guise of "surrendering to God" in order to gain wordly riches for a "Heavenly" 2,500 years ... for eternity in fact.

I am sorry ... but how insane does that sound to you now? How many of us stood up within the system to stop such abuse?

It sounds very insane to me and voodoo-like.

How come many of us felt uncomfortable about many things in the BK system and yet accepted to be persuaded that it was cool and right and we were wrong and had to deny/alter our perceptions?

One answer could be suggested by what you quoted, and lies within the role of the victim. We were wrong, we "had some Maya" that had to be removed and suppressed. We were too body-conscious, still attracted by the "old world", the vices, ...
Permanent crossing of boundaries (stick) whilst encouraging us to use our discrimination power and third eye and praising (carrot) us for being original deities and Self-Sovereigns

So, yes, I think that a core aspect could be the one of the "abused woman" syndrome.

Also, we were led to believe, or we convinced ourselves, that those people with supernatural attributes and actual supernatural beings from beyond we got directions from, were benevolent, angelic and therefore to be trusted, respected and obeyed. Like giving a lot of credit before finding out whether the other person really deserves it or he is a conman.

Never again!!!