Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

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ex-l

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Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post12 Nov 2009

I am sorry, time does not allow me to develop this, edit it or comment any further right now but I want to open discussion and how it might relate to within the Brahma Kumaris, especially the more elderly or original ones and in India who those gave up having a family ... or their existing families ... on the grounds of Destruction going to happen in 1950, 1976, or whenever. And, perhaps even younger ones who gave up on love, an education and real careers. For example, I know of "high ranking" BKs who left children to rise within the BKWSU.

This relates to comments in a post by Tom, here.
From" Bitterness; the Silent Disease of Women by Elizabeth Spring MA

Anger is a short madness, but bitterness is anger that has boiled, simmered, and then found so unpalatable that it has been thrown into the deep freeze of our unconscious psyches. We may think that we have done our ‘anger management’ by cooling and repressing our anger, but in most cases, it’s still alive and not well. It needs to be thawed, re-heated, and disposed of properly. Refrigeration doesn’t work well, as cooled anger turns to resentment and bitterness. It has an annoying tendency to leak out at inappropriate times-- upsetting good relationships, disturbing our dreams, and filling us with a vague discontent.

Anger is what we feel first in the face of injustice, and repeated anger becomes deep-seated resentment at whoever and whatever is upsetting us. It turns cold and bitter. And the worse part is that it can turn us bitter even when we think we’ve hidden it so well! It can show on our faces, in our expressions, in our tone of voice. It gives us indigestion, insomnia, back pain, and unexplained headaches. We want so much for it not to de-freeze-- we want so much to forgive and forget, but proper disposal of toxic pain isn’t easy. Most of us need help with it.

Bitterness is a crusty disease that grows on unprocessed anger. It is particularly dangerous for us as we age, because many therapists, including myself, believe that it plays a part in heart disease as well. The heart is both a physical and emotional organ that reflects how we treat it. Most of us are trying to exercise away the excesses that have deposited themselves as fat—but what are we doing with all that un-dealt with pain in our hearts? With the years of frozen anger?

First of all, it needs to be acknowledged. Yes, it’s there. Maybe you call it disillusionment with your career, or maybe you say it’s how your Sister cheated you out of part of your inheritance, or maybe it’s that romantic love never quite came through for you. You may have the regret of the ‘enabler’ or the one who had to sacrifice a large part of her life for another. Maybe you blame someone or blame yourself. What matters most though, is the story we tell ourselves about it.

This story needs to be re-told and re-framed. If you will investigate, research, and delve deeper into the place where you hold this bitterness and pain, you can gain a wider perspective and a deeper understanding of the whole picture. You need to have someone who can deeply listen to your story, and who’s opinions you trust. Allow them to help you understand it from a variety of different perspectives. Allow them to help you put it into a story that makes some sense (not easy!)

The psychologist, Carl Jung, once wrote that all adult neuroses could only be healed by a spiritual perspective. Perhaps you can find a way to infuse the story with love towards yourself and others. The last step will be to tell the ‘deep freezer of your subconscious’ the new story of how and why it all happened, and how you see it now.

As a psychotherapist and astrological counselor, I often look at what I call the family karmic inheritance. This is the legacy of inherited sins and blessings that get handed down the generations, and I believe it’s responsible for more psychic distress than we realize.

You may notice that you have our mother’s eyes, but have you noticed that you have some of her passive aggressive traits as well? Do you know what she was holding her anger about? Can you discover how far back it goes? Could you be overly sensitive to authoritarian figures like your grandfather, or experiencing a similar conflict between the demands of creativity and family that he once did? How bad did it get? Once you know the nature of the inheritance you can look at it how it’s showing up in your life. Old, long, and difficult inheritances can be particularly insidious. When you become conscious of the “sins of the Father’s” you not only begin a healing process for yourself, but you stop the inheritance from infecting your children.

Generations of maternal and paternal legacies influence us in subtle and no so subtle ways. In some families (such as the presidential Kennedy’s) there has been mention of a family ‘curse’. Although that is an exaggeration for most of us, almost everyone inherits a mixture of psycho-spiritual legacies that need to be sorted through. We need to pull out all the stories we can from the family deep freezer.

You can’t be fueled by bitterness, but you can be fueled by anger. Bitterness eats you up, whereas anger can fuel you to do the emotional detective work that heals. It can help you find your voice and your courage. If you are feeling depressed, stuck, or cynical its time to do the psychic de-freezing. This is the time to act, not to “depress.” You may have to admit that your attempts to sublimate and distract yourself from your difficult moods aren’t working any more. This is a good thing, because it means the time is right for you to make a positive and perhaps radical change.

As an astrologer and counselor, I find that there is a grace and energy that shows up when we do things at the right time. If you have no family members who are alive, or who won’t tell you true stories; you can find powerful hints as to this inheritance in your astrological chart. And when you allow yourself to feel strongly about your feelings, rather than freezing them, you allow an opening for grace and serendipity. Call it what you will: God or chance or synchronicit--but whenever you decide to melt the frozen chunks of bitter memories with the healing warmth of tears and heartfelt stories, you invite in powers and graces beyond your rational mind. I believe we ‘summon the Gods’ with our open hearts, and that the Soul is ruthless in finding its way home. Blessings on your journey home.

audacity

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Re: Bitterness; the Silent Disease of Women

Post12 Nov 2009

Hi Ex-I,

I was actually thinking about this matter just yesterday, and it was going to be my next new topic - but I wasn't sure how to start, so I am glad you posted this.

I can relate to the article so much - about how bitterness can eat away at us and rob us of health, hope and life. In my own situation, as a female who joined the BKs at 17 and who has never until now had the awareness or proper support to recover, I realize I have actually missed out on so much:- education, career, money, relationships, marriage, children, a permanent home ... the list seems endless.

Now at 45, I have suddenly realized that many doors of opportunity are closing or have closed permanently - while I have been blundering around for decades in this hazy post-cult fog. Wow, what a bombshell! And the biggest source of bitterness is that I sacrificed my adult life for nothing worthwhile at all - I was simply unknowingly conned and deeply damaged by the deceitful teachings of a rather meaningless cult that will probably fade away in a few more years.

This is a completely different situation to a woman who, for example, chooses to forgo marriage and children to spend 25 years of her life, say, becoming an expert in natural healing, or following an art career. In that case, the woman still might have some regrets at 45 but she would also have a lot of achievements and sense of satisfaction and self-esteem about her contribution to the world. As for me, I am left with just a terrible sense of disappointment and frustration and an unspoken grief that I am even scared to start looking at.

Where has my life gone? Why couldn't I wake up from this drugged sleep of BK conditioning before? It would be so easy to sink into bitterness and depression and never return. I can never get those years back, but as Elizabeth Spring says in the article:
Elizabeth Spring wrote:You can’t be fueled by bitterness, but you can be fueled by anger. Bitterness eats you up, whereas anger can fuel you to do the emotional detective work that heals. It can help you find your voice and your courage.

I guess I am a little scared to open the door to my feelings as a woman who was robbed by the BKs of her best productive/reproductive years. I know my anger is lurking and it must be huge but it has been long buried as bitterness and confusion, and depression. But:
when you allow yourself to feel strongly about your feelings, rather than freezing them, you allow an opening for grace and serendipity.

So, yes Ex-I, I agree the BK trip is especially hard for women, and I empathise with those who have either given up their children, or never had children because of the BK indoctrination. A 45 year old man may walk away from the BKs and, after some healing time, reasonably still expect to rebuild a life, get married and have children; but it's not the same for a 45 year old female.

The BK teachings are anti-life, anti-family, anti-woman and anti-love. I spent so many years with an unnatural, inexplicable aversion to children - and I recognise now that it stemmed from the Murli teachings hammered into us about how children born as a result of their parent's sexual union are "like scorpions and lizards". And let's not forget all the BK strictures and prohibitions against menstruating women ...

It's not really possible to share all the really deep stuff about this topic here on a public forum, but at least we can start to raise awareness of the issue, and help to
melt the frozen chunks of bitter memories with the healing warmth of tears and heartfelt stories.
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ex-l

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Re: Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post12 Nov 2009

Yes, at least if you had practised Zen for this long, you would have absolutely nothing at the end of it (little Buddhist joke there, folks ... what is the sound of one member of the audience laughing?). Instead you have a baggage of all that Hindu, New Age and interfaith stuff. Let's face, a) "ex-cult member" does not do wonders for the old CV, does it? And, b) ex-cult member with no home, no family and no pension scheme does not paint a rosey future.

I wonder how many 40 to 50 year old Brahma Kumaris are waiting for their lokik parents to die in order to receive the family inheritance to live off, and I wonder how many family inheritances will traded off to the BKWSU for a place in a Sisters house or retreat center?
audacity wrote:And let's not forget all the BK strictures and prohibitions against menstruating women ...

Ah, yes, the monthly unclean, impure reminder of your own feminine fallibility ... you don't certainly are not told those Marayadas (principles or disciplines) at the end of the 7 Day Course.

On this site we have memorialised a few of the tragedic cases, like; Ranjana Patel, who killed herself after falling in love with another BK soul, and, recently, Esther Lung, who hanged herself this year on Baba's Day, we were told. There have also been some unnamed cases in India who chose the most 'difficult' way out. We have also remembered all the little old 'servers', the worn out Indian mothers and grandmothers (the army of "chapati rollers" as I deliberately call them, used once by their families and twice by the BKWSU)

But what about all those we do not know about, especially in India? The fall out from Madhuban days when the community shrunk from 300 to around 70, the exodus around 1976 when the End of the World failed, the many that must not be able to reach the internet and voice their opinions here?

I mean, I have heard younger Sisters discuss "their bodies" desire to have a child ... as in disowning it entirely from 'THEIR' desire to have a child, I have never heard 'the menopause' discussed within Brahma Kumari circles and the feelings that arise then. Let us look at the 'ages of woman' involved the BKWSU and discuss honestly the 4 ages of BK.

    the teenage girl married being to God
    the rising 20s young women making her career as a BK guru, personal assistant or public relationship woman
    the mature 30 to 50 year settled into her place as a center or region in charge
    the 50 to 70 year old ex-matas
    the 80 high priestess (for the few that make it there).
The original BK expect Destruction to happen in WWII or 1950. That is what they told the world. Then it was spun on to 1976. Then they covered it all up and re-sold it to us in the West as 1980s to 90s. There must have come a point where they thought to themselves, "****, who is going to look after me when I get old and what am I going do to?" How much could you question the adoption of 'sevadharis' (young BKs given as servants to senior BKs) as surrogate daughters, for example?

Knowing what we know about the inner workings of BKs and the BKWSU, are you really expecting us to by into the belief that they are all 'detached angels' without any feelings?

Never mind 'the menopause', what about those very feminine vices of jealousy and envy? Do they exist, or are they replace by feelings of looking down at women who have followed an 'earthly' path?
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Mr Green

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Re: Bitterness; the Silent Disease of Women

Post12 Nov 2009

It is a bitter pill to swallow that we gave so much for absolutely nothing,

audacity

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Re: Bitterness; the Silent Disease of Women

Post12 Nov 2009

And the double whammy for me is that I actually left the BKWSU just before I turned 21! But this ridiculous life-denying crap was so lodged in my subconscious that it continued to rob me of my life for the next 25 years!!!!
...what are we doing with all that un-dealt with pain in our hearts? With the years of frozen anger? ... If you are feeling depressed, stuck, or cynical its time to do the psychic de-freezing. This is the time to act, not to “depress.”

I think on this forum we need an emoticon button for very, very angry ...
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tom

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Re: Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post13 Nov 2009

audacity wrote:we need an emoticon button for very, very angry ...

I think anger is very good at the realization point.

But if we allow it to continue, it poisons us.

And it turns into ruining our self-esteem which would not help us for survival.

I would say, have mercy and love with yourself.

We all pay heavy taxes for our stupidity. Sooner or later.

This does not mean we have to be destroyed because we were naive and were cheated.

If we can do something to stop the swindler, it is O.K. as long as we don't damage ourselves.

It is great that we have this forum, which has over thousand registered members, mostly BKs, some ex-BKs, few friends and family of BKs and thousands of silent BK guests visiting this forum.
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Mr Green

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Re: Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post13 Nov 2009

Forgiveness is very hard for such a crime, to be duped hurts a lot.

Bastards.
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rayoflight

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Re: Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post13 Nov 2009

This is an oldy but a good reminder that we are strong.

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ex-l

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Re: Bitterness: the Silent Disease of Women

Post14 Nov 2009

Mr Green wrote:Forgiveness is very hard for such a crime, to be duped hurts a lot.

When are they going to 'draw the line' ... say, for example,

    if Destruction does not happen by 2012 we will stop this and give it all up.
Remember, Lekhraj Kirpalani wrote that if Destruction did not happen in 1976, that they should give all the money and property to the Government of India. It seems to be that it was only the accountant Ramesh Shah and his mob, who set up the first BKWSU trust two or three days before Lekhraj Kirpalani died in 1969, who changed or ignored this "Shrimat".

I hear that they are now changing the ages at which Krishna and Radhe become adults and are crowned Emperor and Empress ... because the current lateness of Destruction does not allow them as much time as they said they need.

So, if Krishna and Radhe are not re-born by, say, 2011 at the latest ... are they finally going to give up?

    At that point of failure ... what are all the women who have given up their lives going to feel? ... Or do they think they can get away at keep changing the philosophy and fooling newcomers?
My opinion of the integrity of BK leaders is that they have none and they will do nothing. They will keep changing the philosophy and fooling newcomers for as long as they can. It is their living now ... their business. They have lost not found their soul.

So, the equation is: "your family ... your chance at being a mother ... your miserable old age ... for my food, accommodation and bank balance".

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