Jokes

for discussing science, relationships, religion or non-BK spirituality.
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post08 Oct 2008

TOli.jpg
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john morgan

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Re: Jokes

Post08 Feb 2009

The only birth you are going to get from me is a wide one.
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jann

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Re: Jokes

Post29 Jun 2009

I got this "joke" in my emailbox, sent by BKs. I cannot wait to see all your inspiration to change the religion to BK religion.

PM it to me if it is to ... funny to handle.
SIPPING VODKA

This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding. It's funny (don't break chain).

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.' So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
    8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
    12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
    14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck

Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to twelve of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.

You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken....
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rayoflight

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Re: Jokes

Post03 Sep 2009

Anne Taintor is a witty artist that writes the thoughts that sometimes underly the pristine image of some women.

Here is one that reminded me of some of the sister in charge:

anne taintor 2.jpg
by Anne Taintor
anne taintor 2.jpg (36.76 KiB) Viewed 11370 times
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jann

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Re: Jokes

Post04 Jan 2010

After the holidays, we all want to lose some weight, don't we? Well, here is a method to get it done.
Eating is worse than murder, you might as well jump of a 5 stories building than to enjoy a meal.
You are only worthy of worship when you are thin.
Do not touch or sit next to people who eat.
People who invite you to eat are bad company.
Your friends and family become your enemies, for they care for you and see you live an unhealthy life now.
Remember this drill throughout the day, so make yourself sick even thinking about food ... that is good, you are making progress.
Forget everything else that is or was important to you.
Forget you're friends, they don't understand anyway.
Only by following these rules you can become a (beauty) queen. But all are number wise because no one can follow these rules, so this is to feel good about yourself.
But every "normal" thing you eat is a mistake, and this is to make you feel guilty all the time (you enter the anorexia stage)
Only this is true love for the self, and you will be watched, so watch out. Eating is impure, to become pure do not open the refrigerator door at all times. When you feel weak, sick or tired, meditate more.
Punish yourself when you think about food.
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tete

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Re: Jokes

Post26 Jan 2010

Long but a great laugh and please put your hot drink down before you spill it ...
ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing 'til you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety ... ?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I am looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ... ?

I am sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head c*cked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip ****,'reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I am pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I cannot be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself :shock: , but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud :oops: above my head which I believe came from my hair. I am still looking for my nuts and I am offering a significant reward for their safe return! :shock:

P.S. .. My wife, cannot stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid ...
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because.parmeshwar

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Re: Jokes

Post03 Mar 2010

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . “They will in a minute.”

Read more here
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jann

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Re: Jokes

Post17 Sep 2010

Raj Yoga: All Yoga In One by Jivana Heyman

Some people are of the opinion that one must choose a particular method of Yoga according to one's personality.
    An emotional person would then practice Bhakti Yoga (the Yoga based on love and devotion).
    An intellectual would select Gyan Yoga (the Yoga founded on knowledge).
    A more actively inclined individual might prefer karma Yoga (the Yoga based on action).
Easy Raja Yoga, however, is suitable for people of all personality types and interests, because it combines the essence of all the various paths. For example, an emotional person can progress very quickly on the path of Raja Yoga because a feeling of devotion and love for the Supreme is so easily developed.

Intellectuals will find The Knowledge from which Raja Yoga proceeds to be endlessly fascinating, and will appreciate the rationality of this path, wherein blind faith is out of the question. Socially can be practiced while one is at work, it also causes one to be aware of the ethical and spiritual aspects of every relationship, allowing him to overcome his errors and attain perfection in action. Those who thrive for discipline will also welcome the ability Raja Yoga gives one to gain control over thought processes and behavior patterns, without having to undergo strenuous, physical or mental exercises.

Through practice of easy Raja Yoga, one can enjoy the essence of all Yoga's: peace of mind, intellectual clarity and purity, absence of worry, depression or negative tendencies, self-discipline and transformation of behavior patterns, supersensory bliss and relaxation even of unconsciously held muscle tensions.

Thus, Raja Yoga subsumes within itself the fundamentals of all methods of Yoga, and confers the achievements of them all naturally and easily, using one very simple method which anyone can learn.

A sample of Meditation
    For beginners, sit in a natural and an easy manner. Read the following words slowly, thinking deeply over the thoughts which they contain:

    I withdraw my awareness from my physical organs… I become aware of my inner self- a point of light… the eternal soul… I now feel light… as the burden of physical thought diminishes… A non-material light glows in the centre of my forehead… I am the driver and my body is the car. As my thoughts concentrate, I become light… floating ... I find deep peace within… and I am filled with power… I tune my mind to a new dimension…

    My original home… the Soul World… the land of peace and silence… the land of tranquil light… I bathe in this glow… and once again filled up with total peace and purity… My home has no limits… I fly in this expanse of light, so free of tension…

    I enjoy the sweet stillness. Height in my home now I am so free and light… Here in my true home-the soul world- there is another brilliant point of light… The Almighty Father is an ocean of peace, purity and power… As I come closed to this silence, I feel so still and begin to explore this depth of peace…

    God, my Sweetest Friend provides me with the ecstasy of unlimited warmth and love… Gently, waves of light from this sweet ocean now are passing over me… a golden glow of tender love… I become so still… I feel… I have gone to the very bottom of this ocean of serenity… I taste the very essence of real peace… Peace becomes my true nature once again…

    Now slowly I become aware of the physical costume- the body, yet from within I am completely peaceful and relaxed… I will maintain this awareness even during activities… I will remain detached and light while at work… nothing can disturb me any more.
Practice meditation twice daily for about ten minutes. The early morning and evening atmosphere is most favorable.

Presented by: Lt Col Harish Nagpal.
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post19 Feb 2014

Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day...

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just get worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post18 Dec 2014

A BK was arguing with an Atheist about the existence of their god and failing to get her point across. They had been arguing for two hours and finally the BK in frustration sat down.

"Listen," said the BK, "You are like a man in a dark room, with no lights or windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that is not there. What do you say to that?"

The Atheist thought for a moment.

"Yes, you are probably right," he said, "but you are like a woman in a dark room, with no lights or windows, wearing a blindfold looking for a black cat that is not there. The only difference is, you have found the cat."

- original credit to Dave Allen
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post31 Dec 2014

The plane is about to crash. Some passengers are weeping and wailing, some are hastily praying to their god, some are confessing their regrets to their neighbours or showing them pictures of their families, some are hurriedly writing notes they hope will be found with their remains. Then they seem to go all silent at the same time as the descent steepens.

Out of the quiet comes a desperate cry from a middle aged nun seated at the front of the plane. ”I just want to know what it’s like to be a real woman for a real man, just once, before I die!” She crosses herself and starts weeping in ashamed embarrassment for a minute, then also goes quiet.

Everyone is stunned. From a few rows behind her, a tall handsome man gets out of his seat and proceeds to unbutton his shirt revealing a solid abdomen and buffed tan skin. As he comes close to the nun he takes off the shirt and folds it in his right hand, leans over close to the nun and, placing the shirt in her lap, says in a broad Australian accent, ”Iron this for me love. Oh, and on your way back, bring us a beer from the fridge will ya”.
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newlife

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Re: Jokes

Post31 Dec 2014

Statistically women who carry more body fat into their 30s and 40s last a lot longer than men who mention it
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post02 Jan 2015

Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says: "Can you put me up for the night?"
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post02 Jan 2015

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: ”Y-Ye-.. Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian ?"

”Yes."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God” he replies, starting to relax.

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God” he says, the slightest of smiles starting to appear and he seems to make a small shift of weight away from the edge

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I pushed him off, calling after him ”Die, you heretic scum!".
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post10 Jan 2015

The Brahma Kumaris forum is pretty dull right now but this made me laugh.

One BK comes along ... excuse the pun ... to discuss 'Celibacy and its effect on Yoga'. Currently he's torturing himself for the lack of being able to *not* hold his piece for more than a month.

Meanwhile another BK called "Jizz 1012" interjects on 'Points to Churn from the Murli of May 06, 2013'.

Crazy guys those Brahma Cumars. Couldn't make it up if you tried.

Shame they have banned me for replying, I could have really helped the guy. All he needs to do is keep a photo of Dadi Janki stuck to the wall next to his pillow. And consider handcuffs at night.
DimitrisT wrote:I am not exactly new in Gyan but I am still struggling with Raj Yoga. I don't feel much and mostly feel like it's exhausting. I'll go straight to my question: Does abstaining from orgasm really have an impact on Yoga's efficiency? I am talking mostly about men. My guess (and what I've heard) is "yes" but since we're all anonymous here, can any male Brahmins share their experiences on this? Can you experience God when you're recenlty released your sexual energy? Does it take a while for celibacy/abstinence to provide you with benefits or does it not affect Yoga that much?

Personally, I am trying to abstain but always fail after less than a month, usually much less.

Thanks in advance.
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