What did xBKchat do for You & Source of Love

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What did xBKchat do for You & Source of Love

Post02 Jun 2008

What did xBKchat do for You & Source of Love - posted by: Babbit on January 9 and 23, 2005

I am new to ex-BK Chat Forum, so hello to everyone. This forum feels like a lifeline because I think I am now an ex-BK, with all the confusion, self-annoyance and baggage that comes with facing that decision After six months of increasingly intense reflection, at Christmas I came to a final conclusion that, for me, the BKs are a cult and I am through with them. Part of me feels upset, fragile and adrift; another part feels calm and free and strong. I was relatively new (a BK for just over three years), but everyone referred to me as a ‘last-go-fast’ person. I went to Murli † class every day for three years. I have read a lot of the posts in the XBKs only forum; they have made me feel much less alone, now that I no longer want to be part of this organisation.

I am really angry and annoyed at myself for getting sucked into this - am I not supposed to be an intelligent person?! I feel intense disappointment and sadness that I let them do my thinking for me something that I thought I had never allowed in my life before. It was so subtle and insidious, but I have to own up to my complicity in repressing my critical thinking. I am annoyed at myself but also realise that there are myriad lessons and valuable insights I could not have learned any other way. Things are messy in my head right now and, with time, the annoyance will die down as I make more sense of the whole matter. Lots of people think I am so smart. I beg to differ. Thank goodness this forum exists I would feel utterly alone otherwise.

.....

My grievances are myriad, and they are only starting to coalesce. What started the separation was the experience of being involved in the planning of a couple very big programmes. I suddenly had the realisation that I was being groomed to do this because I was useful and presentable and had all the right skills despite being a newcomer who probably could have benefited from a little less pressure and high-profile role. Behind-the-scenes episodes showed me an ugly face of the BKs that I had not believed (not wanted to believe) existed - exploiting, pressuring, or demeaning people who were helping or wanted to help.

In all of this, I don’t want it to seem as though I did not realise that I had a choice. I know I let mysel be pressured into continuing - “ha ji” †† is a powerful tool of control - but I felt that I started to see things more objectively. By the end of the programmes, I was really questioning how my perception had changed so dramatically; I was the same, and they had to be the same. I realised that I stopped seeing things so selectively.

I stuck with it for another six months to see with my new eyes in the hope that the organisation (or it representatives) could redeem itself. But it was broken for me by then: I hated going to Murli Class, everything was fear-based and I could not access the love in the message I once heard - I was impure, doomed and never enough; if I was tired, it wasn’t because I was working more than full-time, it was because my Yoga was deficient; the centre residents seemed so sad and exhausted and angry; I thought I would scream if I heard ‘Baba this, Baba that, Baba the other’ one more time - there is more to life than that! Surely, I couldn’t be the only one who thought that there were hefty amounts of dogma, Bhakti and religious ritual in the BK system (offering Bhog, as a quick example), yet no one else seemed to see this, no one answered me when I said so. And then there was the adoration cult of the Dadis †††

The final nail in the BK coffin came when I was having discussion with a centre resident - guarded at first and then, once she decided I could be trusted, more frank. She asked me, “Do you believe in BapDada?” It stopped me dead in my tracks. I had been avoiding this question in my own head for some time. Without effort or volition I said “No, of course not!” On top of all the other things, it was clear to me at that moment I was no longer a BK. I can’t believe how much it helps to talk to people wh understand.

.......

The Murli is not an instrument for finding God’s love, unless love is administered by totally destroying a person’s self esteem, self concept and self worth. I lost track of the number of times ‘God’ called me a traitor (because of my normal human emotions) or told me I was impure or that I just wasn’t trying hard enough, in the Murli. Is God like the army where you have to be destroyed and then rebuilt into an obedient and unthinking drone in order to be (or feel) loved? We were programmed to think that the Murli is where to find God’s love, and this disempowers. It is a very handy instrument of control for the BKs.

I agree that love is always around us, but we are often unable to allow it. I think it is important to stress that real love from ‘God’ - or however you conceive that Being - is unconditional, so it is not dependen on whether I do or think the ‘right’ things. So perhaps a crucial aspect to allowing this love is acceptance: that - right here, right now - I am worthy of love, more love than my human mind could imagine; and no action, thought, emotion, religion can alter that fundamental truth. But knowing it and experiencing it are often two separate things. Sometimes I will stop my thoughts and ask that Being, “Do you love me now?” knowing that the answer must be, “Yes, I love you more than ever”, and I keep doing that until I feel the love. I guess it’s a bit simplistic, but it helps me to tune my thoughts into the right wavelength.

Administrator inserted notes:

* These were three posts made by Babbit. They are separated by the elipses ... but have been counted as one, because they were written in the same month and flow from each other.

† “Murli” - in Hindi, “flute”. Refers to the spiritual discourses of incorporeal Shiva, delivered through human medium.

†† “Ha ji” - the respectful way of saying “yes” in Hindi; denotes compliance.

††† “Dadis” - in Hindi, “Senior Sisters”.

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