BK member for five years

Classic posts chosen by the admins of xBKChat.com and the users of this website
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BK member for five years

Post06 Jan 2009

From, BKWSU Watch: The Members
laura wrote:Your description of BK life and a typical BK member is very accurate. I fit your profile exactly and was a BK member for five years following principles and attending class every day without fail. BK members do tend to be the loveliest people you could hope to meet. The teachings have been very well thought out and are very appealing to intelligent but wounded souls looking for an explanation.

It is devastatingly hard to deal with finding hope and purpose in life, finding a place to belong with a huge loving family, yet at the same time the whole family is somehow inhibited and distorted by the expectation of detachment from each other. I am sure the vast majority of BKs I came into contact with were operating with the very best of intentions. Well intentioned lovely deep thinking individuals with big hearts attract others who are the same until it has snowballed in to a large organization.

The desire to be among kindred spirits is so strong that you really want to believe. I gave myself up to BK life entirely willingly and consciously because I wanted to be part of this lovely family. I wanted to better myself and separate myself from my past unhappy life. BKs call coming in to BK knowledge and embracing it your spiritual rebirth or Brahmin birth. It was an answer to my prayers to have a fresh start in life.

I agree with you it is so hard for those of us who have chosen to walk away from that life. To leave is a painful and scary decision and the teachings do mean we become alienated from the spiritual family we loved so much and gave up so much for. Personally, I cant place the blame on my center head or any Brahmin that I met as they all seem to be in the same boat. The man who started it all is long dead and his creation was so cleverly designed as to self perpetuate itself without anyone really seaming to be in charge.

I did not know Dadi Janki or Jayanti well enough to say if there is any darkness in their intentions, I never saw any darkness in their intentions in the five years of hearing classes and having meetings with them. Certainly I witnessed BKs behaving badly and upsetting people but i always put it down to them being human and being under huge pressure to be these perfect angelic beings 24/7.

I never thought badly of them, but it was very sad all members, Seniors especially expect so much from themselves and give themselves such a hard time. Constantly examining your thoughts words and actions in case some vice slips in is exhausting work. The inner conflict and turmoil of all this self examination while also one of the main teachings being positive thinking is a very demanding balance.

They berate other religions for their blind faith but if you question the BK teachings too deeply you will soon find you are expected to have that same blind faith. They have an answer for everything while never really giving you an answer.

When all else fails the standard response is to have Yoga, improve dharna, keep being soul conscious and remember one Baba. Failure to understand a teaching or feel it as truth in your heart is said to be down to some lack of effort on your part. Maybe if you had better Amrit vielas or kept your thoughts more in order then you would see clearly the blinding light of divine truth.

Whichever way the Brahmin student turns all responsibility is piled back on them and we end up disheartend, our all important self respect begins to dwindle away. It seems crazy to think that while making huge efforts and living near angelic lives we could think so badly about ourselves and feel so lowly and unworthy.

BKs do seem to attract people with inferiorty complexes. We need to prove ourselves so much. We renounce our old lives, we give our wealth our time and our energy. We use all our talents to benefit the organization and still, we feel inferior and keep looking for ways to be better and give more. But of course that is just our sanskaras of many births of being devotees in Hindu temples. There is always an answer which is why we continue to feel inadequate and that we are to blame, also why it is so hard to leave.

I finally left after I started teaching new students the seven day course. In the core of my being I knew I was doing something wrong. I am a lovely, well-intentioned, intelligent strong person and students were inspired by me and trusted me then they would struggle and I knew I was partly responsible. I knew I would never be comfortable being an instrument to bring others in to the organization.

Something about the organization just would not sit right within me and being fully aware of this I was unwilling to be responsible for bringing others in to something I was not 100% certain about. Once realizing I could not advocate this path for others I had to finally question if I could continue with it myself.

After five years being a model student I just stopped going to class and of course had to deal with the family's disappointment as good students and teachers are hard to come by, specially young enthusiastic ones such as I was. I still have so much love for the BK family and many of their ideals and do feel sad I can no longer belong with them.

Leaving was indeed traumatic. I never doubted leaving was the right decision but having joined as a troubled teenager and followed the principles so well, I did find myself a bit lost in the world. I did find five years of repressed hormones were very messy when finally after leaving they rebelled and flooded out. Going from a very pure extreme lifestyle then (being an all or nothing sort of person) allowing myself to drown in lust and worldly pleasures was a big emotional shock.

I was left very confused about my own duality and identity. I did a lot of damage to myself while discovering my limits. I was always a loner a non-conformist. I came from a broken, dysfunctional family and had no friends. Then I cut myself off even more from the world in Brahmin life.

I lived and worked appearing relatively normal but internally more cut off from the world than ever but as a Brahmin that was desirable and praised. I had the Brahmin family and I did a huge amount of healing and growing with them. My time as a Brahmin was the happiest time of my life and most forfiling time of my life, again making it so painful to leave.

I, personally, had to leave because I do not trust the entity which they channel and call "God ShivBaba". When I had the privilege to stand in front of that being and look in to those eyes I did not see or feel God. That being is certainly powerful, and has huge energy, but I do not believe it to be God.

The Murlis to me never seemed quite right. I am sure editing and translation played a part in them not feeling right, but also I always had the notion that the best way to hide a lie is to wrap it up really beautifuly in layer upon layer of truth. That is always what I felt about the Murli. There was so much beauty and truth in them, some great teachings and inspirations but within a sence of something dark that I never trusted.

It was very frowned upon to speak of the Murli that way so I tended to just put it aside and not mention it too much. I would listen and pick out the pearls from amongst the mud being careful how I chose my words when sharing points so as not to offend or alarm more believing members. I thought maybe I could do some good and maybe save my lovely spiritual family from within but they did not want to be saved, I could no longer pass myself off as a believer so I left.

I was fortunate that for as long as I can remember I have been in love with God and trusted completely in God's total unconditional and most gentle love for me. MY family as a child were never religious. My connection with God has always been very personal and beautiful. God is the one being who I have always felt with me loving me through all my heartaches and troubles. I have a very clear understanding of my relationship with God and not even the BKs could touch that.

I agreed completely with the loving God they presented, but listening to the Murlis it was clear a lot of the content was not from the God I knew and trusted. Sometimes I would think it must be Brahma Baba's words I am not happy with but we were always told they spoke in combined form and every word must be taken as the true word of God. Even if it were only Brahma Baba whose words i objected to, I still could not accept that my loving God would allow those wrong words and teachings to pass uncorrected. Therefore I became certain the Murli was not the word of God and as a Brahmin it is best not to say such things aloud as other students would become offended, defensive and most likely scared that I was right.

I think many Brahmins just keep going because that seems easier than confronting the thought they may be following a lie and have struggled so much unnecessarily and led others towards a lie. It is nice to feel you are special and superior in some way, that you have lifted yourself out of the dirt and are becoming an angel worthy of heaven. It is lovely to think that by bringing others on to the path you are saving them and helping them claim their eternal fortune.

How wonderful to be working side by side with God and a fleet of angels transforming hell in to heaven. What higher purpose could there be for your life than to reach your own perfection and help others do the same in a supportive loving family headed by God himself who constantly sustains you with divine power and guidance. Then imagine the idea that it is all a lie that some unknown being is manipulating you in God's name that you are not, in fact, following Gods holy directions but are working on behalf of a dead man's delusions or unknown spirit.

You certainly don't want to believe that could be true. Such a painful and tragic realization could not be entertained and is not welcomed from anyone especially a BK.

In conclusion, I am so happy that I had those five years with such lovely people and made so much progress within myself. I had some lovely magical experinces and am so grateful for my time in BK life. I do not regret being a BK for five years at all (quite the opposite). I do feel very sad about what I feel are some misguided beliefs and systems and I so wish the organization could exist in a slightly changed form without the darkness of the unknown teacher claiming to be God. That being is the only one I am angry with, but being a bodiless spirit, it is difficult to discuss the matter with that one.

I would very much like it if Dadi Janki would turn and confront it on one of its channeled visits but maybe she knows better than to upset it. Maybe it is Brahma Baba, or maybe he also was a victim, believing the spirit he channeled to be God. It is hard really to point the finger of blame at anyone within Brahmin family as the whole lot of them are blindly following some ghost or disembodied spirit that is invited to take possession of first Brahma Baba, then to bring his spirit along for the ride and take possession of Dadi Gulzar.

Who knows who is really behind it all and what they seek to gain, maybe this spirit believes itself to be God, maybe it believes its own teachings? Maybe it is inspired in some way by God but has mixed in its own ideas not knowing them to be wrong or harmful.

Maybe I am too kind in looking to excuse Brahmin family of any fault or blame. I do think these are all questions that Brahmins should ask themselves and thoroughly discuss with an open mind and sharp intellect. I do think they should show some of that Shiv-shakti courage and really really look in the mirror of their hearts individually and as an organization.

Realization leads to transformation and it would be nice if they applied that to the very core of their structured system and were honest about what is wrong. It takes courage to admit mistakes and move on with greater wisdom. It takes courage to admit your investments are misplaced, but all is not lost. They as an organization could be so much greater than they are now if they shook it all up and threw out the rubbish to make room for newness.

There is nothing wrong with not knowing all the answers, nothing wrong with not being specially chosen, we are all equal and that is OK. We may not have an instruction book from GOD all neatly delivered in a class every day but we can each find God in our own hearts and work on uplifting mankind, cleaning up the world without the help of a disembodied spirit that certainly is not God, or at least not the complete God.

We may well all be parts of God, I don't have all the answers but I can live with that.

Best wishes to all.
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paulkershaw

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Re: BK member for five years

Post05 Feb 2009

What a beautifully written letter and one I can completely recognise, understand and agree with. Thank you Admin for posting it here and if the writer is also on-line, thank you for these words of love.

You embody light, compassion and a deep understanding of humanities ways. Respect. warm wishes and spirit love to you always.
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gotmylifeback

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Re: BK member for five years

Post17 Jul 2009

Probably the hardest thing with leaving the BKs was looking in the mirror and saying, "You got totally sucked in". There is no Golden Age, no 5,000 year cycle, no 900,000 deities and all the rest of the babble that this organisation spouts. BapDada is nothing more than a creation of Dadi Gulzar's intensive conditioning and self-hypnosis (which the BKs like to call "trance"). It took me years to get over the fact that I got it so totally wrong and gave thirteen years of my life and wealth for nothing.

Lekraj Kripalani wasn't a "multi-millionaire" financier or fabulously successful jeweller - he obviously had some money but whatever he had was long gone by the time the cult moved to India in 1950. All part of the mythology. Dadi Janki came a year after the others, and was a mother - though there has never ever been any mention about what happened to her child. The more you look at this organisation, the less truth.

As for the Murlis, gobbledegook - it's as if someone cut some of the early ones into sentences and every day, the sentences were rearranged and issued as a new "class". How many times "Krishna is not the sermoniser of the Gita?". Who honestly cares even inside the organisation? Even now, I look back at those years and think, "Who was that? Surely it wasn't me!" And I was in the "inner sanctum" - a centre-in-charge for many years; sorry, then they became centre co-ordinators - more politically correct!

But, in those years I met some great people, many of whom are still good friends after twenty-five years. We did amazing things together - Million Minutes of Peace was a buzz in the eighties, though "Baba's" pet project, "Global Co-operation for a Better World" was a complete fizzer. That was probably the beginning of the end for many of us - oh, and the great LA Earthquake not happening in 1984, or 1986, or 1987. Wasn't Confluence Age supposed to be 50 years of Destruction and 50 years of Construction?

By my reckoning, taking 1937 as the start of the institution, Destruction is over twelve years late. All those poor BKs now - what do they think? Or perhaps they don't think. Wonder what lies they're told now to suck them in? It was quite a downer to realise that there was never going to be a "Destruction", that we'd made the mess that the planets in, and it's going to be a slow, long hard grind to salvage our civilisation, if we can. Maybe it'll be Golden Age for the rats and cockroaches. A friend of mine once said, the meek shall inherit the Earth, and you cannot get much more meek than a cockroach! I digress.

Congratulations to anyone who had that very tough decision to leave the BKs and to anyone wrestling with that decision. You're facing about five years of inner turmoil, but there is life after Raja Yoga. But central to that it accepting that you personally are no different to anyone else on this planet, you're not a hidden "deity" and all of us have faults and flaws. And celibacy is crap - the BK myth about 2500 years of non-sexual pro-creation. Give me a break! Suppress sexual instincts and you pave the way to paedophilia - look at all the religions!

Take the plunge and get out now. I'll be back.
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Mr Green

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Re: BK member for five years

Post17 Jul 2009

Hello nice to read you, I am so happy to hear from another BK that was inner circle/sanctum, although I was a member for only 10 years and a lower rank ... hahahahah ... just a center-wasis living in a small center, then I moved to Shanti House where I found very good advice from a good doctor.

It's so weird what happened to us, attemping to surrender yourself to something that is not real, but somehow becomes your reality! I am still not free from it all in many ways, the endless hours of being in silence I find is a hard habit to break, if I am left on me own I'll just sit in silence most of the time, not sure if that's weird or not, heh!

When I read your bit about the repetition of lines in the Murli it it made me laugh. It reminded me of how I used to try and read new meaning/gain deeper insight into the phrase sometimes, such weird behavior ... sitting there in me shawl, taking notes, that I never re-read :lol: (Admin please please can we have a lol smilie).
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Re: BK member for five years

Post05 Nov 2011

Hello, I am Laura that is my post on what it was like for me being a member for 5 years. I am glad it has been helpful to others. I remember writing it was a very emotional but healing experience for me. It took me a long time to get over leaving and the realization that I had been so manipulated by people I loved and trusted. In the years since leaving I struggled a lot with trying to find self acceptance which I had hoped to find in BK life. I have had numerous relationships including a marriage which is now over. I finally found some of my answers to why life is so hard for me. I am bi polar, asperger and dyslexic amongst other things. I was so innocent and lost when, at age 19, I wandered in their positive thinking class. The love bombing worked a treat on me.
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exbkmember

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Re: Meditation and Orgasm

Post05 Nov 2011

When I first joined BK, I had great meditations but after 5 years I would fall asleep almost instantly at the thought of meditation. Being in Madhuban mostly triggered my bi polar to go in to a huge low. The energy in that place was powerful and I still miss it sometimes but there was a dark twist to it and I cried so much whenever I went there. Being a committed BK in floods of tears was frowned upon. I lost count of the number of times I was hauled in front of Dadi Janki, and other Seniors, by my centre coordinator. I was clearly defective in some way as their drishti never managed to sort me out.

I took my vow of celibacy very seriously and did not do anything physically sexual for my whole 5 years but by the end I could orgasm walking down the street if I thought naughty things ;).

All that repression must have been bad for me as I later became a sex addict after leaving and have had sex with hundreds of men, now when I was a BK I was told I was going to Golden Age and my act of joining was proof that I am a BK soul. So now that I have been a very, very naughty girl, how can they explain that? They never mention the pure angelic BKs that leave and become sex addicts and prostitutes. I stood on stage and looked BapDada in the eyes in Madhuban once and him being all knowing and all seeing never warned me of my future spectacular fall from grace :shock:. He just gave my an unpleasant look that made my blood run cold (not very benevolent of him) and was the moment of undeniable realisation that that was not God. My centre co-ordinator said my experience of looking in to his eyes was my own impurity being reflected back at me :-?. Hmm so much for loving and supportive spiritual family.
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rayoflight

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Re: Meditation and Orgasm

Post05 Nov 2011

Dear exbkmember,

I am really sorry to hear what you went through, but I applaud you for your honesty which, unfortunately, is not a BK sanskar.

There is a strange nostalgia that comes with leaving the BK which I liken to an old love affair. There was the high of falling in love blindly, and then there was the break-up. I try to remember the reason for the break-up in order to not drift into nostalgia which has a way of attracting Maya back into our lives.

Wishing all the best in your full recovery and return to light, love and freedom.
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ex-l

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Re: Meditation and Orgasm

Post05 Nov 2011

exbkmember wrote:All that repression must have been bad for me as I later became a sex addict after leaving and have had sex with hundreds of men, now when I was a BK I was told I was going to Golden Age and my act of joining was proof that I am a BK soul. So now that I have been a very, very naughty girl, how can they explain that?

Of course, they cannot. It is just all methods (yuktis) for capturing people by their minds, holding them for as long as they can and exploiting them.

You said you joined at 19 years old and they stole 5 years out of your life? That is very young and your hormones must have been running at full speed. I think I was 20 year I first encountered them. I realise now I was far too young to make the "life surrendering" decisions they require of one. I think it was also highly irresponsible of them to feed all their crap into young minds at that time knowing now all the historical revisions and failed predictions of Destruction which were hiding. I deeply regret giving away that time of my life when I should have been investing in myself, building up my own life, career and so on.

I'd call it stealing the best times of people's lives.

There are times to do things in life and it is no wonder that in traditional Hinduism they leave that degree of religious surrender until the final years of ones life. However, exploiting the theory of the End of the World allows them to get to justify it all in their minds.

I'd am very happy for you that you made up for it and had some fun it sounds like you enjoyed. I have often thought that a lot of the problems of many Brahma Kumaris could have been fixed by a good sexual experience. But obviously I am concerned that what you really needed was probably some mental health support or therapy rather than cult brainwashing and suppressed sexually.
They never mention the pure angelic BKs that leave and become sex addicts and prostitutes. I stood on stage and looked BapDada in the eyes in Madhuban once and him being all knowing and all seeing never warned me of my future spectacular fall from grace :shock:. He just gave my an unpleasant look that made my blood run cold (not very benevolent of him) and was the moment of undeniable realisation that that was not God.

Hooray. You are not alone in that realisation.
My centre co-ordinator said my experience of looking in to his eyes was my own impurity being reflected back at me :-?. Hmm so much for loving and supportive spiritual family.

Little more than self-important idiots pretending to be fully enlightened gurus really.

But, listen, is what you write true? That sounds like some pretty extreme reaction to the BKs you have been through. How are things now? By Asperger's, you are talking about autism. I have heard people suggest ex-Brahma Kumaris go off the rails a bit after leaving the BKWSU but never met one.
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exbkmember

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Re: Meditation and Orgasm

Post05 Nov 2011

Everything I have said is true. I certainly went off the rails and am still off them 6 years after leaving. My story is posted by Admin as a quotation in ex-BK classic posts forum BK member for five years. Yes Asperger is a form of high functioning autism. I had a very unpleasant and isolated youth and had been battling the desire to kill myself from age of 9. My parents both suffered from depression, and my younger Brother made 3 suicide attempts and was sectiond for 6 months with suspected Schizophrenia but I think infact it was an extreme bi-polar episode. Fortunately for him he has been well for over 10 years now.

I grew up with my mother and Brother who are also both Asperger. My mother was a disturbed and very private individual who had a lot of problems and no friends or support. My Brother and I also had no friends or support and were badly bullied through school. I am also dyslexic and, like my mother, have an eating disorder that meant as a child I was obese from a young age. I also have polycystic ovary syndrome which caused bad acne and I have a bad underbite that should have been treated but never was. My life was hellish on many levels and I was let down by many systems.

By the age of 19, I was a very fragile soul, I had vast amounts of will power and ability to go against the grain but was desperately in need of belonging somewhere and being treated with love and acceptance. I was a lone wolf character with a gentle heart, a high IQ and a spiritual yearning. I was custom made material for them to real me in and I wanted to be reeled in, I invited it. At the time I had not been diagnosed as bi-polar or Asperger, I just thought I was a freak. The truth is I have a complex selection of medical and emotional problems. I was very honest about myself with them but was never encouraged to seek help for any of my difficulties. I was very much encouraged to cut myself off from my family and outside world.

Many of their idealistic views were in line with my own, I was a very spiritually minded person. I believed in reincarnation, I believed this world was hell, I often believed I was ruined in some way or other, I had been in love with God for as long as I can remember, I had a deep interest in morals and spiritual values. I was desperate for an explanation for not only my own suffering but for world suffering. I had a desire to be a nun but not to be a Christian. I felt unlovable and unwanted by men and asking me to remain celibate was not a big deal at the time.

I was not stupid and I saw most of what was coming a mile off before it was ever mentioned. I expected celibacy to be a requirement the moment I saw a Sister dressed head to toe in white. I got in contact with them via a positive thinking course that I had seen on a notice board outside a church hall. I was sitting in the church garden contemplating suicide at the time as I had recently started to suffer from severe tinnitus, which is an unexplained noise in ear. In my case it was triggered by extreme stress but two doctors saw me and said they could not see any problem and there was no explanation for it so therefore there was no treatment needed.

I was always going to doctors and I think they thought I was making it all up as I had such an array of symptoms. I was painfully shy and nervous and feeling unbelieved I just went back in to my shell of misery and gave up seeking help. It is only in last few years that I finally got to bottom of all my symptoms and now know exactly what is wrong with me. I have a complex set of things wrong with me that unfortunately were not easy to diagnose and are not easily treated. BK lot would just put it down to karma.

Anyway back then, at age of 19, I was sick of the battle and was on verge of getting my mind set to take my own life as the high pitched noise in my ear was an unbearable addition to my already unbearable heap of troubles. The little flyer on notice board had a sweet little picture on it and for some reason I felt it was a calling from God, a little ray of hope. I was a total recluse, going to work each day was an ordeal for me, gathering the courage to go to this course was totally out of character for me. I got there before everyone and helped set the room up putting chairs out. Little angel that I was I was doing service from day one.

I sat through the lesson in a hot sweat with my knees shaking but I felt an amazing connection to something, an explained magnetic pull to be with these people. I listened to the guided meditation and song of Bliss CD and every hair on my body stood on end I knew each word before it was spoken. I had profound spiritual experiences (or possibly I was in a manic episode or was wide open to some form of psychic attack/trap). I had just had an aura photo taken at a spiritual mind body spirit fair a few weeks prior to going and I was told my Aura field was wide open and had ultra violet white light and angelic guides above my head. I was told i was in a very open state and was about to become a spiritual beacon but was also vulnerable.

The prophesy seemed to be becoming true, I thought I had found enlightenment. Poor me maybe I had or maybe I was off my head insane, I really cannot say for sure. I had wanted to be vegetarian for years but I got a lot of stick from BK family when I later became vegan, they hated that as I would not eat their holy foods if had dairy in them.

Anyway I was excited and I wanted to be one of them from the start, I would have done almost anything they asked. They love bombed me in a big way, I was held up as a model student. I completed positive thinking course then Raja Yoga course, Murli course, I immediately became vegetarian, I joined morning class at soonest opportunity and as a nervous 19 old girl used to walk 45 min in the dark to class each morning and often in evenings too. I did that for 5 years, never missing a single day. I was committed in a big way, I did loads of service and helped out whenever asked and offered help even when not asked.

Over the years I had a few hair raising incidents walking on dark mornings and evenings through deserted roads and parks. I was chased by wild gypsy dogs once, I was flashed at by a naked man in bushes and often was scared out of my wits by men walking behind me or lurking ahead of me. It is a miracle I was never attacked. Sometimes I admitted my weakness of fear to center head and I was told to trust in God's protection or that my purity was my protection.

I was so innocent back then I used to have massive guilt trips over the smallest things. I used to have amazing meditation experiences and to this day I still see my center head and Dadi Janki in my dreams from time to time. I sometimes heard my center head call my name and I would wake up with a jump and see it was 4am. I do not underestimate the power they have, although my openness to them may have made me far more vulnerable than most. I so much wanted to give my life to them, I was desperate to surrender but being a westerner with no money or dowry they would not let me.

I saw red flags and heard alarm bells as it were from early on but as the years went by they became more numerous until finally I knew it was false but I stayed as long as I could even after that point because I had nothing else to hold on to. I know for a fact that some long serving surrendered souls also believe none of it but they have no way out. I was once warned by a more senior member not to surrender because you lose all you have and it is too hard to leave at that point. I was also told by others that believing was not important as long as follow Shrimat and that it was OK to just do so as a life choice rather than a belief.

The whole denial of natural human affection was the most painful thing. Due to my undiagnosed and untreated bi-polar I was often extremely distressed in floods of tears and my center head was not even comfortable to do the very human thing of giving me a cuddle. I used to get the same lecture over and over that if only I would do Amrit Vela then everything would be OK, I just needed more meditation. I was getting up at 5 am walking 45 min to class, walking to work, working full time, walking home then often walking back to center and then walking back home late.

I was exhausted. I used to fall asleep while standing up at work. I did that for 5 years and it never got easier, I am not remotely a morning person, bi-polar often causes huge energy shifts it is a miracle I managed to do what I did and Amrit Vela was most often just more than I could manage. However i got told that good old Brahma Baba managed just fine on 2 hours sleep a night. Well if so good for him but it was unfair to be harsh on me when i was trying my very best to be as near perfect as i could be.

In some ways I am so proud of what I achieved but in other ways it is deeply sad. These days life is still very hard but at least I am free to get a cuddle now and then. I have been on various medications for bi-polar but they all had same effect of knocking me out like I had been shot with tranquilliser gun. I could not function at all while taking them. I just slept until I stopped taking them even on very low dosages. My doctor said that was not normal but normal or not it is what happens when I take mood stabilisers.

They will not prescribe antidepressants because during a bad manic phase I become a bit delusional and put myself at extreme risk without caring, they fear antidepressants may trigger such an episode. As I refuse to take drugs that leave me unconscious and they will not give me antidepressants they decided the solution was to discharge me from care and recommended I get private counselling as NHS would never fund the vast amount of therapy and counselling they reckon I need. So, basically, I am too broken to fix :-? .

After years of struggling to hold down a job, I finally had to admit defeat and now work as a prostitute because it is the only way I can think of to keep my independence, earn what I need to live on, and have the flexibility of working hours that I need. My doctor would only sign me off work for 2 weeks and said there was no chance of getting longer or being entitled to any benefits. I have been let down my whole life and I am used to it but it never stops hurting and I very much wish things were not as they are. I am sure BKs would call this part of my 100,000 fold punishment for leaving and committing lustful acts, or maybe just the covers all answer of karma. Maybe they would be right but the suffering I experience now is no greater than the suffering I experienced while a practicing BK.

Now at least I answer only to myself and do not have people constantly pointing out my spiritual defects. Now at least I can be held tightly in a mans arms and, yes, I get to have orgasms from time to time. I have not meditated much at all since leaving as they put me right off it.
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ex-l

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Re: Meditation and Orgasm

Post06 Nov 2011

Whew ... I suppose you could have tried changing to a different doctor instead? I think you should still.

Don't say too much and get the physical problems like your underbite and weight addressed, are you still overweight? I had the same problems with the BKs when I went vegan.

I am not a psychotherapist, and there is a limit to how much support we can offer here, but it does seem logical enough that even a "normal" kid growing up in such an environment would have a hard time finding its bearing in life ... developing, as we do, as reflections of our environment.

Strictly speaking, the Brahma Kumaris used to have a rule that it would not accept people with mental illness and I think this was a fair rule which they regularly ignore. In fact, if they were honest, they would have a sign that says, "You don't have to be mad to meditate here, but it helps". More seriously, they should instruct their center-in-charges NOT to play guru or healer to people with difficulties, least of all go prescribing "more Yoga" as a fix all for all conditions. I guess they don't because they are desperate to have anyone follow them to keep up the numbers.

You still seem to be on a bit of a nihilistic path though and putting yourself in danger, aren't you? Prostitution is a short career and surely should not be an alternative to welfare.

How about trying co-counselling, a 12 step programme, or even "spiritual healing"? Most of those are available at a low to no cost.

You may not want to mention in public, because it might identify yourself, but I would be interested to know in private which center and center-in-charge it was, simply because I keep a track of 'rogue' centers.
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bkti-pit

Independent, free thinking BK

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Re: BK member for five years

Post06 Nov 2011

Hi Laura and welcome!

I had read your story when it was posted here, which was about 9 months before the last traces of my faith in the God of the BKs vanished. I relate to everything you said.
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exbkmember

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Re: BK member for five years

Post06 Nov 2011

I have had many different doctors and all of them have been close to useless. I did join a 12 step program for nearly 8 months and lost all the excess weight while in it but was in the worst emotional state of my life by the end of it. Having experienced 12 step groups, I found them very similar to BK life and would say 12 step groups are also a cult with same issues as the BK lot. They encourage blind faith and surrender to group ideals and way of life. 12 step groups have a 0% actual success rate, 5% of members recover which is same or less than recovery rate with no help. I was forced to see that joining cults is something I need to be aware I have a tendency towards doing.


I have never been an alcoholic but have been a problem drinker, I have attended 4 varieties of 12 step group and they are all the same. I would not recommend them to anyone. I left in the end partly due to my very experienced sponsor dropping me and partly because I was required to become a sponsor once I had 6 months of abstinence in the 12 step group I was in, as with BKs, it did not sit right with me to impose things I did not agree with on others. Also it was a requirement to be celibate for first year of recovery unless married. Lucky me I was married at the time.


I did begin treatment on my jaw but it was so painful and on top of everything else I just can not cope with it so it has been abandoned for now. I piled all weight back on after my 12 step sponsor dropped me as she did not feel comfortable with my emotional baggage. I tried many sponsors and eventually walked away same as with BK. My husband also left me after I lost the weight, my Father died around that time too. Life has been a rough ride but it helps to talk about it sometimes.

I have known some counsellors and seen how messed up they are. I no longer look for anyone to show me the way. I just get on with each day the best I can and find honest comforts. I keep on trying to find healing and that is all I can do. There are no magic solutions. Life is hard and what makes it bearable are simple things like appreciating a beautiful day, hearing a lovely song and seeing a smile. I live for cuddles.

The BK part of my life was over 6 years ago and the BKs I knew then were doing the best they could. I do not blame any of them as they were/are caught up in the system. I would not single any of them out as having caused me harm, they are victims as much as I was, they preached the same drivel that those above them had preached at them. I think the center head meant well in her own way. She is doing her best to get through life same as rest of us. I wish her no harm.

The center I once attended is very small and has never been much good at recruting anyone so I doubt it poses much of a threat. I still feel protective of some of them although, as quoted by someone on one of these sites, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Maybe I should stop posting as Admin is very kindly breaking my dyslexic posts up in to nice tidy readable paragraphs, sorry about that I have never quite managed to grasp the concept of where to end one and start another :-?. Thanks for spelling corrections too.
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exbkmember

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Re: BK member for five years

Post06 Nov 2011

I remember one of the first things that really disturbed me was seeing picture of Brahma Baba. From the first time I saw it I got an unpleasant vibe from it, I later had same reaction to seeing a picture of Mama. I was quite open about this at times and again I was told that, as they were pure and perfect, any negativity I felt from looking at them must be a reflection of my own impurity or waste thoughts.

I had a vivid nightmare once where Brahma Baba was drowning me. Over my 5 years I never felt comfortable with their images. Also the fact that thier Pictures are all over the place as well as Brahma Baba trance lights directly goes against the teachings of not worshipping images. The excuse that it was to get the good vibes of Shiva within him always sounded like rubbish to me. He was a charismatic man with too much influence.

I always quite liked Dadi Janki as she did remind me of yoda and although I never got the feeling she liked me much I always saw her as a victim of it all rather than a leader particularly. They remain loyal to this somewhat deranged dead man's spirit. My time as a BK really was quite odd as, honestly, I was never much of a believer although I so much wanted to believe and wished it was the lovely organisation I first hoped it was on positive thinking course. I just refused to let go of the ray of hope I had in the early days of contact.

I did used to ask loads of questions as there was nothing wrong with my ability to see gaping holes in it all. I was told it takes 5 years to hear whole cycle of Murlis and at that moment I had one of the most powerful thoughts of my life. I had the thought that I would stay and listen to the whole cycle of Murlis so that I could make a fully informed decision. 5 years in the prime of my life but that thought was an excuse to stay near to people who I felt a connection with.

I was in love with the inner circle of my centre. I wanted to be part of it, to be close to what felt like my spiritual family. I got my wish as much as you can in Brahmin life. I paid the price but at the time I needed something to hold on to and it filled that role. Although I got broken hearted there many times I think I may have been far worse off if I had not come in contact with them. I did end up leaving after the five years almost like the spell I put myself under was broken. There was no way I could have stayed any longer. I could not continue teaching as I knew that was wrong, the idea of hearing all the Murlis again which I no longer had any trace of belief were direct words of God was awful as they were so repetitive anyway.

That time of my life is testament to my power of spirit, my determination to hold on to something pure, no matter how much crap was mixed in with it. My experience of 12 step groups was a shorter repeat of same thing. When I do the standing back and looking at myself thing I do think I am such a sweet soul. I keep looking for the best in people and organizations no matter how many times I get hurt. I fall in to regular deep pits of despair and on and on I keep dragging myself back up. Sweet, innocent, naive, shakti spirit or just plain daft :-?.
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ex-l

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Re: BK member for five years

Post06 Nov 2011

exbkmember wrote:Sweet, innocent, naive, shakti spirit or just plain daft :-?.

Sorry to break the news to you ... just plain daft like the rest of us. A herbivore in amongst predatory carnivores.

That's life. Sorry to be depressing. As soon as you think you have sussed out every trick in the book, someone or some group comes along with a new one, and get you with it.

I don't know what I make of life except for "it is better to be nearer the top of the food chain than the bottom of it". Perhaps a common thread amongst BKs and ex-BK is that they expect too much of themselves, or apply to high standards ... and that becomes another hook to be drawn in by.

Follow the BKs actions, not their words ...

    Get as much money together as you can by hook or crook,
    buy property and land,
    become a manager rather than a worker or servant,
    protect yourself by making friends with as powerful and influential people as your circle allows, and put on an ethical front.
Actually, I think you can do better than the BKs if you factor in doing a little good for other people as you go along too. But when you are young, you have to put yourself first.
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shanti

spiritual seeker

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Re: BK member for five years

Post07 Nov 2011

ex-l wrote:Strictly speaking, the Brahma Kumaris used to have a rule that it would not accept people with mental illness and I think this was a fair rule which they regularly ignore.

I wonder why it is that people with mental illness are not accepted, surely God accepts everyone? From my experience of six years of Raja Yoga causing increasing depression and lack of self esteem, I would suggest that perhaps it is because their 'methods' are somewhat flawed. Positive thinking based on suppressing, ignoring or denying the total self is a recipe for disaster.

Thank you for sharing ex-BK member - you are not alone in your journey of healing and I wish you well.
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