20 May 2007
Yes, I am in the situation of adhar Kumar.
I'll first of all fill you in with a few details of my background and experiences that brought me into PBK from BK. Over the next few weeks I'll clear my mind on the topic of being in/out/in of relationships, and share my experiences. Of course in some areas I can only speak in broad terms because I only wish to relate aspects of my relationships/personal life with the blessings of my partner.
Anyway we got back together earlier this year after a 4-5 year break. Our initial breakup can be attributed to me beginning Advanced Knowledge in Feb 2001. I'd had a break from BK for approx 6-7 years. I was in BK for about 4 years. In my time away from BK I completed a highly intensive deprogramming strategy, ie sexndrugsnrocknroll. Lets just say I had the best time, I was on top of my game, no hang-ups, and totally 'up for it'.
My partner came to know me through my 'deprogramming' phase of my BK past. But I did not really go on about my Brahmin life that much , only occasional references. Compared to most of my friends I was relatively drug free, I knew I had an unlimited supply of enthusiastic, positive energy I could pour into most situations ie, parties and festivals. My slogan was 'festivalisation of the nation'.
So, after spending several years together with my partner as a raving hedonist, she found the sudden re-emergence of my former Brahmin life as a completely shocking thunderbolt from no-where.
You see, although I was appearing to be having the best time, internally I was watching the news thinking. "Wow! this world is completely screwed"
I thought to my self that, "I have such an amazing knowledge and experience of the soul/Supreme Soul/world drama, I can see things and not get disturbed. Nothing in the world made me anxious, but I couldn't help but feel a little selfish that I had such wonderful knowledge inside me and that the world and its inhabitants were mostly up **** creek with nowhere to go. I felt the urge to somehow contact ShivBaba.
The thought of returning to the BK center completely churned my stomache with revulsion. That world was light years away from me now. Yet how could I get in touch with ShivBaba. Recently at that time I'd began to use the internet for college. One day I thought of contacting ShivBaba by E-mail!. I did a search on 'Google', and found an 'Advanced Knowledge' site. I was dumbstruck at first.
"Whats this"? At first it seemed like an odd splinter group. Virendra Dev Dixit, "just who is that!!!? Little by little things fell into place. It was the first time in years I'd looked at anything Gyani. That was deliberate. Years ago I threw away a boxfull of Murlis onto the rubish dump.
I was serious about leaving the BKs. I began to read the advance clarifications. That same voice began to emerge. That little voice that speaks inside and makes the heart soar.
"WOW!!, WOW!!, WOW!! Unbelievable, how things had changed in my time in the 'outside world'.
The clarifications to me were like the missing link. I left BK because of a feeling of stagnation and lack of anything going on. Just endless repitition. Plus I found the 'Seniors' to be seriously lacking in ability and experience, and felt entirely disconnected from the Admin heads etc.
This was what I'd been waiting for. I immediately contacted ShivBaba via the website and began to get replies to my questions. All day at college I was waiting for replies. I couldn't concentrate on my course. I quickly contacted PBKs and arranged to meet up. After a night partying, on Mushrooms, Ketamin, Hash and booze I somehow got on a morning train to London, to meet a PBK family. All the while my partner was there, completely bewildered, to witness my Brahmin personality emerge, and she supported me. I studied for a few days then booked my ticket/visa and flew to New Delhi, India. There I was in the New Delhi traffic, with my taxi driver lost, looking for the PBK center, thinking, "what are you doing, have you completely lost it?"
One minute I was studying at college and making plans for our life together. The next minute I was on the plane to India, to investigate the 'Advanced Knowledge' and to do the 7-day course at Kampil, and to meet ShivBaba/Virendra Dev Dixit. Somehow my return flight got mixed up and I came home two months instead of two weeks later. You have to realise that we'd spent the last several years together almost 24/7. To spend that much time apart was unheard of, and there I was running around India on the original magical mystery tour.
When I first meet Baba the first thing He said to me was, "Now that the Father is here, everyday is a festival". Well, that fitted in with my philosophy very well. It also fitted in with a previous BK experience. In the Sakar Murlis I remember a point by ShivBaba/Lekhraj Kirpalani which says "As you are and whoever you are Baba accepts you".
I had spent the last several years trying to bury my self in 'sin'. ShivBaba/Virendra Dev Dixit met me in his 'hut' in Kampil. I sat in front inches away from His face. A particular look came over His face which I recognised from somewhere. 'Speak' said Baba. I have to admit that although I felt accepted by Baba there were one or two things of a deeply personal nature that were on my mind and were laying heavily on my heart. One mata ji was translating from the corner. "Baba says 'no need to speak anything too personal now, you can tell/write to Baba later in confidence'. I had been prepared to reveal my burden at that time but Baba I guess deemed it innapropiate at that moment. Instead I spoke of travel, family, and some aspects of Gyan.
"Baba, I like the subtle twist in Drama"
"Which subtle twist do you mean"? asked Baba.
"The subtle twist about the dharam gurus" I replied.
"Accha"
During the reminder of my meeting with Baba He sat me next to Him, where I asked a few more questions e.g., "How many clarifications has Baba spoken"? He replied the exact amount.
"Will Baba arrange for more translations"? He went deep into somewhere else for a few minutes. Upon returning He said, "Better for you to learn Hindi."
This was a shock. I wanted and expected something easy, like more translations. Well, I still havent learnt Hindi yet, but I know it is my final frontier. Baba cought my dristi and meaning, at every moment.
After completing the course it felt like I had received a blueprint for the entire creation. On the very last day one or two points I'd stuggled with finally slotted into place. I felt triumphant. I met Baba several more times before returning to UK. On the final occasion I asked to take leave of Baba while I was staying at Farroukabad. The 'dormatory' Brothers were sleeping in was little more than a storage room full of building materials, sacks of foodstuff, and various odds and ends that accumulate in bros areas. Baba came through unshaven and wearing dhotis. He spoke an anecdote to the Brothers who stood to attention when Baba came in and made them laugh.
He came and sat next to me where I was resting on my rucksack. I reached into my art portfolio I'd taken with me to India, and began to take out a 'thankyou' card. It was a geometrical abstraction of Vishnu. Baba appeared unable to make head nor tail of it. One other PBK Brother translated my meaning in the drawing. He simply nodded and read the message of thanks inside which I'd written in Hindi. I also handed over my pota mail in which I'd related every aspect of my deep inner and personal life from the time I could remember anything up to the present. Baba held the pota mail in His hand very causually.
It felt like my life was in the balance. I'd just entrusted every detail of my life to what could be seen as a perfect stranger, was I mad? Baba made me sweat it out for a minute or two while He spoke to some Brothers, just gently caressing my potamail and lightly tapping it against his hip before finally placing it out of sight in His pocket. Whoa! the thought of that pota mail being public made me wince. Yet I'd entrusted it to ShivBaba. He looked at me so sweetly. His face and eyes were like gold. There was no threat from the 'Innocent Lord'.
I'd given away all my crap and recieved some immeasurable priceless gift in return. Looking back at the time I'd half expected some kind of slap on the back from Baba as in "well done child!" Of course I later realised Baba doesn't work that way He is way too subtle for that. But that experience I feel has matured in feeling and meaning over the years along with many other experiences.
I jumped on the rickshaw along with another PBK bro (Arjun). He was humming quietly to himself, we remained lost in thoughts on the train back to Delhi for several hours. There was however, a not too small detail I'd been keeping to the back of my mind. That of my return to the UK. Everything I'd tried so hard to forget over the last few years had just emerged in full 'HONEYMOON/SATOPRADHAN STAGE'. HOW ON EARTH WAS I GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS?
I'd recieved plenty of advice from PBK bros and matas. Advice ranged from aspects of having sex and not having sex, family relations, attitude, etc. I felt in the PBK world there was a much more mature view on everything than in the BK world, there was a lack of paranoia about being seen to be following the diciplines especially in a literal sense. For me the key aspects were about being flexible to ones own situation. It meant keeping in touch with Baba and letting Him know of your situations and intentions in an honest and open way, and being very clear about why you do anything.
One thing though, sometimes all the good advice in the world cannot prepare you for the devastation of someones world falling apart, ie the world of me and my partner.
I did not realise how far gone I was untill I reached home. The bhatti had continued for me for several weeks after completing the 7-day course.
One time a group of PBKs were travelling and staying together. The place we stayed at Mummy turned up. I was told that Mummy was there in an incognito way. For this reason I did not actively seek her out to speak to her. Instead, I went for a bike ride just as she arrived. Later on when I returned, I lay down on a cot in the courtyard. Laying there an incredible feeling of sweetness and joy overwhelmed me. As I breathed into the experience, I began to feel lighter than air and completely blissfull.
As I lay there for several minutes appreciating the experience, one Sister walked by. I looked at her but she ignored me. A few minutes later one mata walked past calling my name several times. She brushed past the cot I was laying on but she did not see me. She walked past again, calling my name but didnt see me inches from where she walked past me in plain sight.
"Why cant they see me"? I thought in my expansive lighter-than-air-blissful self.
"Because you're invisible"!! I realised. It felt entirely natural to be feeling like I was floating in the essence of joy. I called out to the mata.
"Over here, I am on the cot".
"Oh, there you are" said mata. It looks like you just materialised!
Well, upon returning to the UK fuelled by the experience of understanding how creation works, meeting the Supreme Being, World Mother and Father,. completing an arduous mission/service plan, and becoming invisible I prepared to meet my partner ...
