Om Shanti Everyone,
I am very glad to find this website where you can speak freely and just be yourself ... please forgive me for my English, as English is not my mother tongue but I will try my best here.
I am in a big dilemma/problem and would also like to know if is there anyone here like me who is facing a guiltly conscious problem after marriage but, before I speak about it, I guess I should tell you something about myself. Mine is a very long and happening story and I will try my best to be short. Please forgive me if I am writing too much here as today I really want to vent everything out and want to be free of things that are hampering my mind constantly ...
I was in Gyan before my marriage. Initially me and my younger Brother we both came into Gyan followed by our parents. The only reason I got married and left Gyan was that in India there is lot of social pressure about getting married once you reach the age of marriage, and even though my parents were in Gyan they had their own theories and were not at all supportive of my views of not getting married. They were worried about issues like
Now with all this I was still going to the centre and praying to Baba desperately for some miracle to happen to either change my parents view or something or to find a right person for me who would respect me and my wish, and one also believes in GOD etc ... then may be I, with Baba's Yaad (rememberance), can change his mind and we both can live like an adarsh (ideal) couple in Gyan.
I thought it would be easy as I had similar example like me happened to one of the Kumar ... he got married under his parents force and changed his newly-wed wife's mind convincing her and the next day they both went to the centre and surrendered themselves ... They both are very well-known for their service, so I kind of thought of taking some inspiration and started having dreams that I will too find someone like this ... meanwhile my parents were keeping their eyes open for each and every guy they were looking and screening them. Even my friends, friend's friends or anyone close in our relatives etc ...
Finally I had a friend studying with me. We were having group projects together and so spent lot of time doing group studies. My Father liked him very much and I kind of liked him too as he was always sweet and kind to me, and helped me in studies. Whenever we had any debates, I usually used to win so I just thought that I could convince him about Gyan ... and I started doing so ... telling him about BK and everything. But he was not convinced with me totally ...
I don't know how and when but I started feeling true love for him. I mean we had that chemistry between us. I thought, well, I will convince him one day and we decided to get married and I am a married woman now. But even after our marriage I was not able to convince him as he would agree on all but not one thing "celibacy".
NOW MY PROBLEM -
Believe me if I tell you that it's been more than one year into our marriage but still I am not involved with my partner 100% in physical relationship. I just kept postponing saying I am not ready yet and can we live for couple of days or months like friends. Believe me he loves me so much with his whole heart and he is such a nice person, loving & caring and I just have no words to describe his greatness. So he waited till date for me to get ready mentally and psychologically as he knew my past that I was so much spiritual and all this is against it ...
We live like true friends helping each other with routine activities and understanding each other more better ... and the more we understood each other ... the more our love grew but now he had his enough, he cannot control his emotions anymore, and we have fights every now and then on this issue ... in saying so I do want to admit here that we have kisses, hugs and and masturbating each other to attain sensual pleasure as, even though I had Gyan, I knew when I was in Gyan I was repressing my sexual thoughts and desires. I guess everyone in Gyan must be faced by this but after marriage I thought it's OK - so we had all like kisses, etc but whenever we are about to make love or decide to make, my guilt conscious just won't let me do it and so we are just not going anywhere in our relationship ... and I don't know what to do?
I told this to my best friend who's in Gyan and is living single, she told me that I have got only two solutions ... one is to leave him and return back to Gyan and another to give myself fully to him as I am not only ruining my life but also of the other person who loves me so much (that could wait for more than one year for me) and wants me to live life fully; that I have got no right to spoil his/his family's life. I feel totally screwed up and as if my life has become totally sandwitched ... as I am not able to forget Baba and his Knowledge and also don't want to live my husband ... I know he will be totally shattered if I do so ...
My life has become terrible and my dreams have shattered ... sometimes I felt so bad about myself ... and have negative thoughts ruining my mind and I even thought of committing suicide ... but back up because it will not put an end to my problem ... in fact, I will bind more karmic bandhans and God will never forgive me for that ... but at the same time I feel so bad and pity for my husband as I have screwed up his life too and his dreams have shattered ...
I am not able to see him like this ... he is not able to concentrate in his job etc ... also on top of this, because of all this stress. my health is deteriorating day by day ... I mean I have started having serious health problems which I did not used to have before and all the doctors told us one thing it's stress!!! They all want to know what kind of stress is bothering me ... and what can I say to them??? As everyone who knows us, envies us as we are both are made for each other and don't understand what's bothering me???
Sometimes I felt, why did Baba chose me??? I asked the same to my Grandma and bestfriend they say it was my part and this is how Baba wants you to do service in your new married life ... that may be if not now but in future after few years down the line you will be able to bring your family into Gyan ... and when I am too low say me that Baba loves me unconditionally ... He is Great God and knows everything and if he is God, then God's love should be unconditional and so i should not feel so bad for my self or feel to much guilty etc ...
But it's still not convincing enough for me. I say that but all the Murli points that Baba used to say that if we enter into lust we will be terribly punished etc, etc and that those people are like demons, traitors, etc ... I don't exactly remember it word by word but the gist is something like this only from all his Murli points and I just do not understand if God's love is unconditional and if he loves his each n every child then how can he say so discouraging words for his children ...
Well, if we consider that humans are supposed to make mistakes and let's consider or agree that I made a mistake by getting married but I do not want to back up now and really want to move forward and accept the life's biggest challenge, make our life happy and peaceful and do good things for us and for world around us, then should not the Great GOD forgive us and accept us as we are? I have seen so many parents in this in real world who are not having obedient kids and they just chose wrong path in their life but when they realise or accept their mistake their parents readily accept them and even though they do not come back they just love them unconditionally.
Whatever the major thing bothering me is my guilt conscious??? Where can I get rid of it??? Is there any solution to this??? Please, please, please help me with this!!!
I don't want to live my husband and hurt him anymore, or ask him to wait for me anymore, and still want's to keep remembering GOD in his original form (of course I am not going to the centre but am still remembering HIM by meditating etc) ... how can I do that??? How do I try to be positive in my life and keep balance ...
I am very glad to find this website where you can speak freely and just be yourself ... please forgive me for my English, as English is not my mother tongue but I will try my best here.
I am in a big dilemma/problem and would also like to know if is there anyone here like me who is facing a guiltly conscious problem after marriage but, before I speak about it, I guess I should tell you something about myself. Mine is a very long and happening story and I will try my best to be short. Please forgive me if I am writing too much here as today I really want to vent everything out and want to be free of things that are hampering my mind constantly ...
I was in Gyan before my marriage. Initially me and my younger Brother we both came into Gyan followed by our parents. The only reason I got married and left Gyan was that in India there is lot of social pressure about getting married once you reach the age of marriage, and even though my parents were in Gyan they had their own theories and were not at all supportive of my views of not getting married. They were worried about issues like
- 1) the social pressures on them that what would people think if their daughter is not married and is still single?
2) they did not wanted me to become brahmakumari. When I asked permission, they said, "NO" and said that we know everything inside out story of BKs, that life of Brahmakumari is very hard and not your cup of tea, and certainly as a parent we would not let you go there and see our own daughter go through tough times in her life. I told them that Baba would take care of me. But I could not convince them enough as even I knew partially of the facts that why my parents are against my wish of surrendering. Some Brahmakumari's life is real tough as I live with lot of Sisters at the centre and was very close to them so I know pretty much ... (not going in details about this).
3) they certainly did not want me to live a single life as they wanted a social security for me, so with all these the only option left with them was to marry me to a decent guy.
Now with all this I was still going to the centre and praying to Baba desperately for some miracle to happen to either change my parents view or something or to find a right person for me who would respect me and my wish, and one also believes in GOD etc ... then may be I, with Baba's Yaad (rememberance), can change his mind and we both can live like an adarsh (ideal) couple in Gyan.
I thought it would be easy as I had similar example like me happened to one of the Kumar ... he got married under his parents force and changed his newly-wed wife's mind convincing her and the next day they both went to the centre and surrendered themselves ... They both are very well-known for their service, so I kind of thought of taking some inspiration and started having dreams that I will too find someone like this ... meanwhile my parents were keeping their eyes open for each and every guy they were looking and screening them. Even my friends, friend's friends or anyone close in our relatives etc ...
Finally I had a friend studying with me. We were having group projects together and so spent lot of time doing group studies. My Father liked him very much and I kind of liked him too as he was always sweet and kind to me, and helped me in studies. Whenever we had any debates, I usually used to win so I just thought that I could convince him about Gyan ... and I started doing so ... telling him about BK and everything. But he was not convinced with me totally ...
I don't know how and when but I started feeling true love for him. I mean we had that chemistry between us. I thought, well, I will convince him one day and we decided to get married and I am a married woman now. But even after our marriage I was not able to convince him as he would agree on all but not one thing "celibacy".
NOW MY PROBLEM -
Believe me if I tell you that it's been more than one year into our marriage but still I am not involved with my partner 100% in physical relationship. I just kept postponing saying I am not ready yet and can we live for couple of days or months like friends. Believe me he loves me so much with his whole heart and he is such a nice person, loving & caring and I just have no words to describe his greatness. So he waited till date for me to get ready mentally and psychologically as he knew my past that I was so much spiritual and all this is against it ...
We live like true friends helping each other with routine activities and understanding each other more better ... and the more we understood each other ... the more our love grew but now he had his enough, he cannot control his emotions anymore, and we have fights every now and then on this issue ... in saying so I do want to admit here that we have kisses, hugs and and masturbating each other to attain sensual pleasure as, even though I had Gyan, I knew when I was in Gyan I was repressing my sexual thoughts and desires. I guess everyone in Gyan must be faced by this but after marriage I thought it's OK - so we had all like kisses, etc but whenever we are about to make love or decide to make, my guilt conscious just won't let me do it and so we are just not going anywhere in our relationship ... and I don't know what to do?
I told this to my best friend who's in Gyan and is living single, she told me that I have got only two solutions ... one is to leave him and return back to Gyan and another to give myself fully to him as I am not only ruining my life but also of the other person who loves me so much (that could wait for more than one year for me) and wants me to live life fully; that I have got no right to spoil his/his family's life. I feel totally screwed up and as if my life has become totally sandwitched ... as I am not able to forget Baba and his Knowledge and also don't want to live my husband ... I know he will be totally shattered if I do so ...
My life has become terrible and my dreams have shattered ... sometimes I felt so bad about myself ... and have negative thoughts ruining my mind and I even thought of committing suicide ... but back up because it will not put an end to my problem ... in fact, I will bind more karmic bandhans and God will never forgive me for that ... but at the same time I feel so bad and pity for my husband as I have screwed up his life too and his dreams have shattered ...
I am not able to see him like this ... he is not able to concentrate in his job etc ... also on top of this, because of all this stress. my health is deteriorating day by day ... I mean I have started having serious health problems which I did not used to have before and all the doctors told us one thing it's stress!!! They all want to know what kind of stress is bothering me ... and what can I say to them??? As everyone who knows us, envies us as we are both are made for each other and don't understand what's bothering me???
Sometimes I felt, why did Baba chose me??? I asked the same to my Grandma and bestfriend they say it was my part and this is how Baba wants you to do service in your new married life ... that may be if not now but in future after few years down the line you will be able to bring your family into Gyan ... and when I am too low say me that Baba loves me unconditionally ... He is Great God and knows everything and if he is God, then God's love should be unconditional and so i should not feel so bad for my self or feel to much guilty etc ...
But it's still not convincing enough for me. I say that but all the Murli points that Baba used to say that if we enter into lust we will be terribly punished etc, etc and that those people are like demons, traitors, etc ... I don't exactly remember it word by word but the gist is something like this only from all his Murli points and I just do not understand if God's love is unconditional and if he loves his each n every child then how can he say so discouraging words for his children ...
Well, if we consider that humans are supposed to make mistakes and let's consider or agree that I made a mistake by getting married but I do not want to back up now and really want to move forward and accept the life's biggest challenge, make our life happy and peaceful and do good things for us and for world around us, then should not the Great GOD forgive us and accept us as we are? I have seen so many parents in this in real world who are not having obedient kids and they just chose wrong path in their life but when they realise or accept their mistake their parents readily accept them and even though they do not come back they just love them unconditionally.
Whatever the major thing bothering me is my guilt conscious??? Where can I get rid of it??? Is there any solution to this??? Please, please, please help me with this!!!
I don't want to live my husband and hurt him anymore, or ask him to wait for me anymore, and still want's to keep remembering GOD in his original form (of course I am not going to the centre but am still remembering HIM by meditating etc) ... how can I do that??? How do I try to be positive in my life and keep balance ...