25 Jul 2007
Here is my story:
I had very low self-esteem when I was a kid. I could get grades, I could put adults in my pockets, but I could not make friends my age, or could not keep them once I had made friends. I was in high school (3rd grade) when I first had my BK course.
Can you imagine? From close to zero I became a Soul; pure, divine, almighty, double light, loved by God Himself. I had a good deal, bought it right away. God had chosen me to be One of the Few. Long lost and now found (I don't know if that's how it's said in English, I did not receive The Knowledge in English).
Imagine a 16 year old kid chatting about spirituality with a bunch of 50 somethings ... on an equal level, since we're all talking about the same Murlis, aren't we? I had to slow down on school days but, boy, was I in it during vacations ... Until my life started to go the downway, and I started expecting the Brahmins to save me from my misery. I received a lot from them, I reckon, but it was not until I realized that I had to take responsibility for my own life, for my own happiness ... Baba will carry you on the wings of success"... yeah, right. When i got out of my mishaps, I wanted to return to the center again (I was about 22 at the time). I was a good singer, so arranged a little show for Xmas. Comments from the Sister in charge: song too jazzy, not dressed accurately (I was wearing a winter sweater up to my neck with several layers but considering I am busty, it looked too showy), slapping of fingers doesn't look professional, etc ...
That's when I realized that whenever I was doing something really fun and enjoyable, or something that was important to them, it was never good enough. I would end up having to handle tensions, things unsaid, misunderstandings ...
The reason why I joined, is that i wanted someplace I belonged. Someplace where they would accept me as I am, where I would feel at peace. Thinking about the Center all together was making me sad. So I quit. Then I saw the underside of Gyan.
People arguing about petty things like; should we offer coffee in the ceremonies? Who makes the drishti and read the Murli in the morning? When is food supposed to be offered, before or after the Murli? Who makes that food?
The absolute refusal of confrontation unless "do or die" situations, the isolation of some Brothers and Sisters who refused to follow the main line of the Sister, person who was in emotional distress herself, trying to manage the burden of Center life and peer pressure. Fighting with herself and others, trying to find out what God wants her to do. That's when I decided to leave. If she, after so many years was in this state, how was I gonna be? Was I gonna have to be alone too in my pain?
Brahmins have a way of evading conflicts that is supernatural
. One day, I was discussing with Dadi (won't mention wich one because the I would be identifiable, my argumentation was publicised). I asked why women weren't allowed to cook during their period, even if they did not feel any pain or feel moody? Answer; they just aren't. Youhou! That's an answer! The issue about when exactly we were supposed to be pure was a good one too, and so was the one about the interpretations of the Murlis (Remember, one has to interpret the Murlis to the newcomers, how are we gonna make sure that all newcomers would understand the same things)?
So, that is my road. 12 years in and out of Gyan. No feedback, except the ones my Brother gives me, and Sister who treated me like a real one. I am still thinking that if my life was so great, and envy worthy, then I should be bragging about it. "Hey, look! I am a Brahmin! Got a pool in my house!!!" I should telll others about how excited I am to wake up in the morning and live my day.
Contrarily to Aladdin, I do believe there's a way out. I just don't want to take it, 'cause i don't want to forget. The pain, the resentment, the burning shame of giving up, the sadness of feeling like a victim. i don't want to forget all that. I don't want to be blind again. I will never be satisfied with an answer like, "Hey, this is your karma, now, shoo! Good girl!" ...
I had very low self-esteem when I was a kid. I could get grades, I could put adults in my pockets, but I could not make friends my age, or could not keep them once I had made friends. I was in high school (3rd grade) when I first had my BK course.
Can you imagine? From close to zero I became a Soul; pure, divine, almighty, double light, loved by God Himself. I had a good deal, bought it right away. God had chosen me to be One of the Few. Long lost and now found (I don't know if that's how it's said in English, I did not receive The Knowledge in English).
Imagine a 16 year old kid chatting about spirituality with a bunch of 50 somethings ... on an equal level, since we're all talking about the same Murlis, aren't we? I had to slow down on school days but, boy, was I in it during vacations ... Until my life started to go the downway, and I started expecting the Brahmins to save me from my misery. I received a lot from them, I reckon, but it was not until I realized that I had to take responsibility for my own life, for my own happiness ... Baba will carry you on the wings of success"... yeah, right. When i got out of my mishaps, I wanted to return to the center again (I was about 22 at the time). I was a good singer, so arranged a little show for Xmas. Comments from the Sister in charge: song too jazzy, not dressed accurately (I was wearing a winter sweater up to my neck with several layers but considering I am busty, it looked too showy), slapping of fingers doesn't look professional, etc ...
That's when I realized that whenever I was doing something really fun and enjoyable, or something that was important to them, it was never good enough. I would end up having to handle tensions, things unsaid, misunderstandings ...
The reason why I joined, is that i wanted someplace I belonged. Someplace where they would accept me as I am, where I would feel at peace. Thinking about the Center all together was making me sad. So I quit. Then I saw the underside of Gyan.
People arguing about petty things like; should we offer coffee in the ceremonies? Who makes the drishti and read the Murli in the morning? When is food supposed to be offered, before or after the Murli? Who makes that food?
The absolute refusal of confrontation unless "do or die" situations, the isolation of some Brothers and Sisters who refused to follow the main line of the Sister, person who was in emotional distress herself, trying to manage the burden of Center life and peer pressure. Fighting with herself and others, trying to find out what God wants her to do. That's when I decided to leave. If she, after so many years was in this state, how was I gonna be? Was I gonna have to be alone too in my pain?
Brahmins have a way of evading conflicts that is supernatural
. One day, I was discussing with Dadi (won't mention wich one because the I would be identifiable, my argumentation was publicised). I asked why women weren't allowed to cook during their period, even if they did not feel any pain or feel moody? Answer; they just aren't. Youhou! That's an answer! The issue about when exactly we were supposed to be pure was a good one too, and so was the one about the interpretations of the Murlis (Remember, one has to interpret the Murlis to the newcomers, how are we gonna make sure that all newcomers would understand the same things)?
So, that is my road. 12 years in and out of Gyan. No feedback, except the ones my Brother gives me, and Sister who treated me like a real one. I am still thinking that if my life was so great, and envy worthy, then I should be bragging about it. "Hey, look! I am a Brahmin! Got a pool in my house!!!" I should telll others about how excited I am to wake up in the morning and live my day.
Contrarily to Aladdin, I do believe there's a way out. I just don't want to take it, 'cause i don't want to forget. The pain, the resentment, the burning shame of giving up, the sadness of feeling like a victim. i don't want to forget all that. I don't want to be blind again. I will never be satisfied with an answer like, "Hey, this is your karma, now, shoo! Good girl!" ...
.