Hi, I first came across the BKs last summer. I was having a few problems with my husband and family. The centre was run by three lovely people - let's call them 'Mike' 'Jane' and 'Sue'. I loved the meditation and the various workshops.
I went on the Raja Yoga course and found The Cycle challenging, but sort of accepted it. I had always got a lot out of Buddhism, preferring to concentrate on the basic teachings and putting them into practice in my life. My problem was that I needed to experience God personally and I found that tools helping me to deal with my secular life were somewhat limiting. My BK experience was amazing and gradually my life seemed to improve, I had a connection with God and my relationships seemed to be more relaxed.
I never really questioned why it was that every time I returned home from a discussion with Mike, Jane and Sue, I had terrible rows with my husband. I began to see him in a different light, i.e he was impure, not on the same wavelength, using me etc etc. I gradually turned against him and spend most of my time with my new friends. By now we were having intense discussions and I began to feel that if I really was to be myself I would have to leave John, my husband. Eventually I did and I moved to a flat literally one street away from the centre. My family were upset but I just told them that I just needed space to re-evaluate my life. I had never intended staying there for ever to be really honest.
I loved my husband and did not want to give up on that. The stress of trying to keep both sides happy and prevent as much damage as I could, eventually led me to have a breakdown and I was off work, finding it almost impossible to get up in the morning or even put one foot in front of the other. Mike, Jane and Sue were amazing. They would invite me to use the centre as my home, I eat with them, they would let my cat in and out and feed him and they even started arriving at the flat uninvited checking that I was OK or suggesting some DIY improvement. I felt loved, nurtured and safe.
Gradually as time went on the teachings intensified and I was introduced to more and more information. I was only eating food prepared in the centre, had stopped eating fish altogether which I had always eaten, stopped drinking, avoided friends who were not BKs, and devoured every CD and book I was given. The problems started when i was invited to listen to the Murlis each morning. I found that every question me and another newcomer 'Paul' asked respectfully (and because we just wanted to understand as best we could) it was met with what I can only describe as disapproval and a feeling that we 'just were not getting it.' I am sure it is not unusual for somebody brought up in a fishing village in Europe to find Hindu terms difficult to grasp at first, but anyway, I eventually accepted that I needed to have my consciousness raised if I really wanted to be able to understand the voice of God (I never could say Baba).
Sometimes Mike seemed on the verge of losing his temper with us, not because he was an aggressive person I don't think, but it seemed more out of frustration and impatience. I was so vulnerable and not well at all, I became rather submissive and just accepted the fact that I was possibly a bit stupid or maybe too impure to understand it. I was eventually invited to Oxford and during lunch time, when I had not realised I was not to sit on the same table as the men, I just burst into tears and could not stop crying. This was ignored by everyone. I was suffering from depression at this stage and it seemed that the bubble was bursting. All the positive stuff, i.e being a soul, connecting with God, living a simple and healthy life, sending out good vibrations etc etc, seemed to now be going down a completely new road, where I was told that i was a special person, an angel and that the Destruction of the world was very soon.
Considering I had just had a breakdown and was finding it difficult enough to hold on to reality anyway, and needed to feel positive about the future and anchor myself to something that would at the very least, make it worthwhile getting out of bed, this new knowledge was actually devastating and I can remember crying a lot during that time and feeling very scared. I was also very lonely at this point and wanted to make friends, but I found that any interaction with a fellow 'enquirer' was discouraged and so some of us would meet up in secret.
One lady in particular I really liked and suggested we meet up one day - afterwards 'Jane' told me that it was not a good decision to meet up with her because she was at a different stage in the 'knowledge' and anything I had to tell her could be damaging. I felt hurt because all I had wanted was a bit of company and I was beginning to ask myself if these people were trying to take over my life - now my choice of friends within the BK was being policed. I also found out at this time that a another person who came to the centre had tried to make contact with me but had been warned off and told 'leave Sarah to us.' One person was brave enough to breach the divide and we met for a coffee, constantly looking over our shoulders to check we were not being watched, and this person begged me not to tell anyone at the centre that we had met up.
For the first time in my journey I had to really ask myself if this was as good for me as I had hoped it would be. I was now facing the possibility of divorce, lonliness and homelessness since I could not afford to keep both my house and flat on. All this sacrifice to be closer to God? Did he really expect all that from me?
Gradually me and my husband started communicating, more openly and honestly than before and I couold sense that he really did want to understand the spiritual need in me. I knew that what I had with him was something I did not wish to give up. I was advised that it is better to serve all of humanity than one other person. I have an issue with that. Of course attachment, born our of insecurity, is not good but if every human being felt loved by one other human being, I am sure that would change the world.
Anyway because I did not want to upset Mike, Jane and Sue and because I still genuinely believed most of the teachings and saw great benefit from the meditation and much of the lifestyle changes etc. I decided to just lead a double life whereby the imminent reconciliation with my husband was kept quiet. I found this almost impossible because it appeared that Mike particularly had another path laid out for me and increasingly suggested I became a BK teacher. I also was aware at this time how two newcomers in particular were being treated in a way that I can only describe as bullying.
Robert, who had only just started coming to the Murlis, was asking very genuine questions and showing respect in asking them. He was undermined and patronised, and even though he appeared to be giving 100%, it never seemed to be enough for them. Eventually Mike and Robert had a huge argument and Robert walked out nearly in tears. I stayed behind determined to phone him later that evening to see if he was OK and to reassure him that I was having a change of heart anyway.
I was shocked the way Mike started speaking about Robert behind his back and I wondered if these people were as 'pure' and as 'good' as they led me to believe. NO way would God have treated another person like that. I don't expect these people to be God, but I don't expect them so easily to bully, and ridicule either. Suffice to say, I left the flat just after Christmas and just feel traumatised by the experience.
I am so confused. On the one hand I miss the sense of community, a space to go and meditate, the amazing conversations we had and the hope that we all felt. I do not miss the horrible cloud that would hang over my head when I tried to imagine the future, and I don't miss the anger I sometimes felt each morning when I heard the Murli and doubted that this was the same God as the one I was increasingly connecting with in my meditation.
This leaves me rather lost however. If I accept that I am a soul and that it is God I am connecting with, then how can I just pick and choose what bit I believe and what bit I do not believe. If I am impure then surely I have to accept that I won't be as close to God as I want to be and that I am destined to go round and round every 5000 years exactly as I am, i.e just missing the Confluence Age! And yet I feel so relieved that I can connect with God without feeling somehow unworthy, that I can touch my husband without feeling dirty, or look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed.
I don't miss that horrible feeling of isolation either, that somehow I am different from everyone else and that it is totally acceptable to deal with another person with a complete lack of compassion simply because they are too impure or because they are Iron Age souls and their Karmic account is pretty bad. I can question whatever I am asked in a relaxed way with people and not feel like a naughty school child. Also I don't have to chart every hour of the day whether or not I am serving enough or giving enough.
I think the only option is probably to drift back to Buddhism, simply enjoy the practice of it and see how it informs my life and my relationships. I also think that I must hold on to seeing myself as a soul and connecting with God. I did receive drishti from Dadi Janki (sorry about spellings by the way!) and it was a powerful experience, so all this contradiction in my experience does confuse me a bit. Anyway, sorry to take this up. Any advice, help, would be good.
I went on the Raja Yoga course and found The Cycle challenging, but sort of accepted it. I had always got a lot out of Buddhism, preferring to concentrate on the basic teachings and putting them into practice in my life. My problem was that I needed to experience God personally and I found that tools helping me to deal with my secular life were somewhat limiting. My BK experience was amazing and gradually my life seemed to improve, I had a connection with God and my relationships seemed to be more relaxed.
I never really questioned why it was that every time I returned home from a discussion with Mike, Jane and Sue, I had terrible rows with my husband. I began to see him in a different light, i.e he was impure, not on the same wavelength, using me etc etc. I gradually turned against him and spend most of my time with my new friends. By now we were having intense discussions and I began to feel that if I really was to be myself I would have to leave John, my husband. Eventually I did and I moved to a flat literally one street away from the centre. My family were upset but I just told them that I just needed space to re-evaluate my life. I had never intended staying there for ever to be really honest.
I loved my husband and did not want to give up on that. The stress of trying to keep both sides happy and prevent as much damage as I could, eventually led me to have a breakdown and I was off work, finding it almost impossible to get up in the morning or even put one foot in front of the other. Mike, Jane and Sue were amazing. They would invite me to use the centre as my home, I eat with them, they would let my cat in and out and feed him and they even started arriving at the flat uninvited checking that I was OK or suggesting some DIY improvement. I felt loved, nurtured and safe.
Gradually as time went on the teachings intensified and I was introduced to more and more information. I was only eating food prepared in the centre, had stopped eating fish altogether which I had always eaten, stopped drinking, avoided friends who were not BKs, and devoured every CD and book I was given. The problems started when i was invited to listen to the Murlis each morning. I found that every question me and another newcomer 'Paul' asked respectfully (and because we just wanted to understand as best we could) it was met with what I can only describe as disapproval and a feeling that we 'just were not getting it.' I am sure it is not unusual for somebody brought up in a fishing village in Europe to find Hindu terms difficult to grasp at first, but anyway, I eventually accepted that I needed to have my consciousness raised if I really wanted to be able to understand the voice of God (I never could say Baba).
Sometimes Mike seemed on the verge of losing his temper with us, not because he was an aggressive person I don't think, but it seemed more out of frustration and impatience. I was so vulnerable and not well at all, I became rather submissive and just accepted the fact that I was possibly a bit stupid or maybe too impure to understand it. I was eventually invited to Oxford and during lunch time, when I had not realised I was not to sit on the same table as the men, I just burst into tears and could not stop crying. This was ignored by everyone. I was suffering from depression at this stage and it seemed that the bubble was bursting. All the positive stuff, i.e being a soul, connecting with God, living a simple and healthy life, sending out good vibrations etc etc, seemed to now be going down a completely new road, where I was told that i was a special person, an angel and that the Destruction of the world was very soon.
Considering I had just had a breakdown and was finding it difficult enough to hold on to reality anyway, and needed to feel positive about the future and anchor myself to something that would at the very least, make it worthwhile getting out of bed, this new knowledge was actually devastating and I can remember crying a lot during that time and feeling very scared. I was also very lonely at this point and wanted to make friends, but I found that any interaction with a fellow 'enquirer' was discouraged and so some of us would meet up in secret.
One lady in particular I really liked and suggested we meet up one day - afterwards 'Jane' told me that it was not a good decision to meet up with her because she was at a different stage in the 'knowledge' and anything I had to tell her could be damaging. I felt hurt because all I had wanted was a bit of company and I was beginning to ask myself if these people were trying to take over my life - now my choice of friends within the BK was being policed. I also found out at this time that a another person who came to the centre had tried to make contact with me but had been warned off and told 'leave Sarah to us.' One person was brave enough to breach the divide and we met for a coffee, constantly looking over our shoulders to check we were not being watched, and this person begged me not to tell anyone at the centre that we had met up.
For the first time in my journey I had to really ask myself if this was as good for me as I had hoped it would be. I was now facing the possibility of divorce, lonliness and homelessness since I could not afford to keep both my house and flat on. All this sacrifice to be closer to God? Did he really expect all that from me?
Gradually me and my husband started communicating, more openly and honestly than before and I couold sense that he really did want to understand the spiritual need in me. I knew that what I had with him was something I did not wish to give up. I was advised that it is better to serve all of humanity than one other person. I have an issue with that. Of course attachment, born our of insecurity, is not good but if every human being felt loved by one other human being, I am sure that would change the world.
Anyway because I did not want to upset Mike, Jane and Sue and because I still genuinely believed most of the teachings and saw great benefit from the meditation and much of the lifestyle changes etc. I decided to just lead a double life whereby the imminent reconciliation with my husband was kept quiet. I found this almost impossible because it appeared that Mike particularly had another path laid out for me and increasingly suggested I became a BK teacher. I also was aware at this time how two newcomers in particular were being treated in a way that I can only describe as bullying.
Robert, who had only just started coming to the Murlis, was asking very genuine questions and showing respect in asking them. He was undermined and patronised, and even though he appeared to be giving 100%, it never seemed to be enough for them. Eventually Mike and Robert had a huge argument and Robert walked out nearly in tears. I stayed behind determined to phone him later that evening to see if he was OK and to reassure him that I was having a change of heart anyway.
I was shocked the way Mike started speaking about Robert behind his back and I wondered if these people were as 'pure' and as 'good' as they led me to believe. NO way would God have treated another person like that. I don't expect these people to be God, but I don't expect them so easily to bully, and ridicule either. Suffice to say, I left the flat just after Christmas and just feel traumatised by the experience.
I am so confused. On the one hand I miss the sense of community, a space to go and meditate, the amazing conversations we had and the hope that we all felt. I do not miss the horrible cloud that would hang over my head when I tried to imagine the future, and I don't miss the anger I sometimes felt each morning when I heard the Murli and doubted that this was the same God as the one I was increasingly connecting with in my meditation.
This leaves me rather lost however. If I accept that I am a soul and that it is God I am connecting with, then how can I just pick and choose what bit I believe and what bit I do not believe. If I am impure then surely I have to accept that I won't be as close to God as I want to be and that I am destined to go round and round every 5000 years exactly as I am, i.e just missing the Confluence Age! And yet I feel so relieved that I can connect with God without feeling somehow unworthy, that I can touch my husband without feeling dirty, or look at myself in the mirror without feeling ashamed.
I don't miss that horrible feeling of isolation either, that somehow I am different from everyone else and that it is totally acceptable to deal with another person with a complete lack of compassion simply because they are too impure or because they are Iron Age souls and their Karmic account is pretty bad. I can question whatever I am asked in a relaxed way with people and not feel like a naughty school child. Also I don't have to chart every hour of the day whether or not I am serving enough or giving enough.
I think the only option is probably to drift back to Buddhism, simply enjoy the practice of it and see how it informs my life and my relationships. I also think that I must hold on to seeing myself as a soul and connecting with God. I did receive drishti from Dadi Janki (sorry about spellings by the way!) and it was a powerful experience, so all this contradiction in my experience does confuse me a bit. Anyway, sorry to take this up. Any advice, help, would be good.