I am new here

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priscilla

ex-BK

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I am new here

Post30 Sep 2009

Hi everyone,

I have surfed this website for a few weeks on and off, but felt too scared to register. I have now registered though, and was wondering if there are any young people on here that grew up as BK kids. I still feel conflicted about posting on this site, very scared, so I have used a false name to register here.

I was 3, my Sister was 1, when both my parents joined the BK. In a few years they had their own centre at home. We were a prime example of how BK families could really work, with a husband and wife running a centre, and two little girls growing up as perfect little Kumaris.

I remember, as a child, being scared a lot of the time, always thinking about how the world was about to end. I think in 1997, BKs were instructed to stock up for a possible upcoming Destruction. My parents, as many other BKs, stocked 1000's of litres of water, tonnes of canned food, medical supplies, etc. I would have been 10 or 11 at that time, and I remember being scared on New Year's Day 1997, scared that all my friends were going to die, scared I wasn't perfect enough and that my parents and Sister would go to the Golden Age without me.

As a children we had to set an example for all the students coming to our centre, which meant attending morning classes, then going to school, and attending evening classes or bhattis. And, boy, did we get in trouble if we tried to sleep in. Especially bhattis were so hard for me, try having an 8 year old sit still for 1 or 2 hours. I thought God could hear my every thought, and I'd try really hard to think about Shiva and Brahma during bhattis, but my thoughts would inadvertently go to school or friends and when I'd "catch" myself I'd feel guilty, knowing I hadn't been meditating properly.

As I went through puberty, I developed intense feelings of guilt, for having sexual feelings or thoughts. As many BK kids, it was drummed into us that we were to never ever have boyfriends, or get married.

I am now 23 (my parents are still very active in the BK community). I started questioning my BK upbringing around age 17. This co-incided with me getting clinically depressed, several suicide attempts and some time in a residential adolescent psychiatric facility for depression and suicidality.

When I met a man I feel in love with, I did everything a "proper" girl would do. We waited with getting intimate until after we got married, I lived with my parents up until the day I got married, yet I still felt dirty and guilty, and like I had disappointed God. I just couldn't face the prospect of spending the rest of my life alone, and never being able to have kids, and this felt weak, giving in to my desires.

I got married at age 21, we've almost been married for 2 years now. We're very happy, but every single day I still feel the grip that BK holds over me. I feel guilty when we're intimate, I have trouble forming attachment, because for years I was taught that attachment was a sin, I feel guilty for wanting to become a mum.

I've been in therapy with a very good therapist for almost 3 years now. I see him twice a week. I trust him completely and enjoy working with him, yet I feel he doesn't quite "get" how deeply entrenched these BK beliefs are inside of me, and how much influence it still has over my life, my thinking, my emotions.

So I was wondering if there's any other people on here that were kids when their parents joined the BK, and that have never known any other life apart from BK life.

Thanks for reading.

Priscilla

bkti-pit

Independent, free thinking BK

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Re: I am new here

Post30 Sep 2009

priscilla wrote: I still felt dirty and guilty, and like I had disappointed God.

Welcome to the Forum Priscilla and thanks for your honest post. It so well illustrates the perverse effect the BK teachings can have on children and how it follows them into their adult life.

I am not a youth. I was in my 30s when I joined the BKs and already had 3 children. Adopting celibacy was not a big deal for me. I do not know if it helped me to get any closer to God but I honestly did enjoy the celibate life very much and it is still true to this day, 25 years later, even if I am half way out the BK world.

I however do not understand why sexual attraction or desire to be a mother could be seen as dirty. I think there are a lot of unhealthy attitudes toward sexuality within many BKs mind set.

In my opinion, if God is disappointed with you he does not deserve to be God. Better to leave him alone.
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rayoflight

beyond BK

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Re: I am new here

Post30 Sep 2009

Welcome priscilla and thank you for sharing your very honest post.

I joined the BKs in my early 30's and it was very difficult to break free. So I can imagine how difficult it must be for you, as a child's mind is much more vulnerable than an adult's. Under the circumstances, you seem to be doing very well. There are some psychologists that are specialised in dealing with cults so maybe this could be something to look into.

The BKs unfortunately, have confused the beauty of love-making with the sex-trade that is found on street corners. Love is the foundation of all love-making and respecting your body does not mean being ashamed of it and covering it up. A man who loves a woman, will love all of her including her beautiful, female body. This is what connecting mind, body and soul is about. In time, the BK brainwashing does diminish. Enjoy your sweet marriage.

And thank you for joining us.

Warm regards,
rayoflight
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alladin

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BK's spiritual robberies

Post30 Sep 2009

Welcome Priscilla.

Sorry to hear what you say, and best wishes for recovery. Guilt is a horrible feeling and being in bed with someone and, instead of enjoying the moment, having such kind of feelings conditioning our experience is not cool at all.

It is a robbery the BKs perpetuated on us :( and we all have to become strong and claim back what is ours by right.

Like Ray said, if your therapist doesn't seem to be able to provide the specific help you need, you may want to change it. Maybe a sexologist, could be more appropriate? The bill should be sent to the BKs, BTW! However, I agree with the comment BK t Pit made about God, so the key for all of us lies, IMHO, in making peace with God which is also the eternal loving and accepting Mother, not just the punishing Dharamraj-type they push on us. Anyway, what you wrote proves that if you experience a lot of guilty feelings about making love with your husband, since in your case, you came into Gyan as a kid, one cannot say that you was already dysfunctional when joined the BKs (frigid, impotent, gay, incapable of relating to the other gender, blah blah ...).

So they made you feel ashamed and dysfunctional ... well, from a BK perspective, it could be that you had been a Catholic nun or priest in a previous life and that would explain why breaking the chastity vow makes you feel so "illegal". Criminals are those who condition other people in such a bad way for the selfish purpose of controlling their lives. Please absolve and love yourself!

I send you a beautiful Rita Marley song, hope you enjoy God's plan :D.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spqq6Sz1ilw
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ex-l

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Re: BK's spiritual robberies

Post30 Sep 2009

alladin wrote:... in making peace with God which is also the eternal loving and accepting Mother.

Hi Priscilla. Welcome.

I don't know about all the god and reincarnation talk. I reckon it is better just to chuck all such notions out, leave god and religion alone, and to get on with the here and now. If there are gods and they needs you, or have anything to offer you, I am sure they can sort it out in their own way and time ... in the meanwhile, free your mind.

Do you know what? If you just stop, it really does make any difference and the world does not end. Far better, just loosen up and enjoy being able to laugh and cry about it all with us.

Yes, I agree that the social and mental conditioning is very deep and that most average counsellors get no where near the core issues of ex-BKs. I also think that most ex-BKs are too mentally "skilled" at defending themselves and many are in denial about the experience out of pride or fear.

There are very few counselors experienced in cultic, never mind spiritualistic experiences anywhere. Wellspring in the USA is one such center that does intensive courses and can refer to trained therapists. I have no experience of them directly though. I too still have a big question mark open about the "psychic" effects of the BK experiences.

Music and dance however, as alladin recommends, I agree that is a great way to move the mind and emotions.
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alladin

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Re: I am new here

Post01 Oct 2009

Priscilla's story proves, in a way, that it's the BK dogmas and complexes they instill in adherents which cause dysfunctions. Although it is true that many dysfunctional people run into the arms of BKs. She joined them as a child. The slate of her life was clean and, yet, she probably never experienced a day or a moment without that nasty bell ringing in the head reminding her that physical attraction, sex, attachment, even closeness (familiarity) are sins.

A lot of damage done, in the name of God!
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priscilla

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Re: I am new here

Post01 Oct 2009

I wanted to say thanks to you all for your supportive messages. I have been reading, but finding it hard to actually write and post here. It still feels like I am doing something wrong by publicly talking about the negative sides of the BK.

I am reading a lot of articles and posts on this forum and finding it really helpful.

I was diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder, mainly because I have huge problems with forming attachments and relationships, I experience a lot of moodswings and I self-harm. I've often wondered if I would have turned out like this if I hadn't grown up as a BK. If it hadn't been drummed in to me, that being attached / needing someone / loving someone / wanting to be close to someone is wrong. I guess I'll never know.

I live in quite a small country, only 4 million people, and the mental health system here is not as extended as the USA. Much harder to find specialized mental health professionals here, such as cult-specialized counsellors etc. And, of course, money is an issue. I still go to university while my husband works full-time. My current therapist charges me way less than he normally does, so that I can afford to see him twice a week. I am quite happy with him, except for this part, but wouldn't want to change, because it's already taken me 3 years to finally trust him and open up about painful issues.

Thanks for all your messages, it's helping me a lot. I'll post more as I feel more comfortable here.
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ex-l

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

alladin wrote:She joined them as a child. The slate of her life was clean and, yet, she probably never experienced a day or a moment without that nasty bell ringing in the head reminding her that physical attraction, sex, attachment, even closeness (familiarity) are sins.

You make a very good point. Read that again folks ...

    the slate of her life was clean.
Another stolen childhood and adolescence.

And what is she from the BKWSU's point of view? An eternal failure doomed to repeat her suffering every 5,000 Years ... "lower than the lowest of the low" to quote the Murli facing the annihilation of the world. No point in investing herself in life, friends, relationships ... it is all going to end in Nuclear Destruction. Gosh, that's nice. A mental technique excellent for trapping adult adherents ... what sort of effect does it have on children and who has studied that effect? Again, I think not of the West but what happens to kids in India where it is probably beat into them? How much wreckage is out there?

Priscilla, if you have not read it, a lot of our work has been put into uncovering all the false predictions of Destruction and false history. It turns out that almost all of what we read in Adi Dev and confirmed by the Dadi Jankis, Sister Jayantis and other Seniors was false. For the first 20 years, until after 1950, there was no God Shiva. They obviously thought WWII was Destruction and then predicted 1950, 1976, mid-80s as "the End". It helped me a lot to see it with my own eyes ... the lies, the cover up, the amateur revisions ... in order to see those that had so much influence over us as they were.
priscilla wrote:I wanted to say thanks to you all for your supportive messages. I have been reading, but finding it hard to actually write and post here. It still feels like I am doing something wrong by publicly talking about the negative sides of the BK.

You do not NEED to post negative stuff. There are no demands placed upon you to conform. Folk tend to go through different stages of reactions. Firstly, like you, fear and nervousness ... sometimes denial ... then fascination and exploration ... often disgust or anger at being cheated (because we were) ... some leave and move on. Some stay to help others. We are just trying to work it all out for ourselves too.

A few try and use the forum for their own interests.
I was diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder, mainly because I have huge problems with forming attachments and relationships, I experience a lot of moodswings and I self-harm. I've often wondered if I would have turned out like this if I hadn't grown up as a BK.

I suspect that BPD is just a loose fitting box as they do not know how else to categorise you. Of course, we would see a far more obvious connection with forming attachments and relationships.

Have you showed him the Murlis and where that all comes from? Did you attended morning class for years etc?

I am remembering too that many of the core of the BKWSU were processed children, or nigh children (young uneducated women), who spent 20 years in seclusion waiting for Destruction, knowing nothing of the world but what Lekhraj Kirpalani told them.
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rayoflight

beyond BK

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

priscilla,

I don't know if you came across this link posted on various threads in the forum, but it is Steve Hassan's website. He is a counsellor for people who were involved in religious cults. There is some interesting information that might be helpful to you.

best,
rayoflight
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alladin

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

Thanks Ray, I will read info from the website you suggested.

Does that "foundation" know anything about the BK's activities and nature?
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tom

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

Dear Priscilla,

Welcome. Nice to have you here.

It is very sad to hear your story. It is a severe children abuse to let 7-8 years old children sit hours long on bhatti. But your parents believed to do the best for you. So good that you are luckily married and have broken your chains.

It is the greatest sin and creation of sick minds and violation of nature to inject young and healthy female and male human beings guilt feelings about making love and becoming children. This twisted tradition started from Dada Lekhraj, during their Om Mandli time in Kashmir (take a look into pages 44-45 of the "Autobiography of Dadi Nirmal Shanta" in the BK Vintage Publication folder, Library). He got this idea one day and destroyed his daughter Nirmal Shanta's happy marriage and all other married BK mothers' marriages by saying "sex-lust is going to hell" and gave the start of 70 years long wrong perception of the BKs towards making love, being in love with another being, getting married with love, making sex with love, becoming children.

A matching couple can reach bliss through making love. Just think of that aim and let go of all waste thoughts.

Children are the greatest gifts of Heaven. The biggest source of happiness. Thanks God I had my child before BKs. The survival on earth depends on them, or what else?

You are not alone having difficulties of making love in a happy marriage after leaving BKs. Take a look at our pages long correspondence with "Sukhi" in Newcomers: "Hi - I am a newcomer and want help with my relationship".

Please take a look at the two websites I got great help besides this forum which I mentioned in my post to Raistlin today.

I recommend these websites sincerely.
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rayoflight

beyond BK

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

alladin wrote:Does that "foundation" know anything about the BK's activities and nature?

I believe they are although I don't know why they haven't included them in their list of cults yet.

raistlin

ex-BK

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Re: I am new here

Post02 Oct 2009

Hello Priscilla,

It's great you're here. Thank you very much for sharing and I congratulate you on courage to register here even though you had fear of it. You are very brave and courageous person.

It's very sad and unfair that you lived so long through all of this and also got that "legacy" of a post-sect syndrome.:/ I wish you all the best in recovering and having a really happy life as you could only imagine.

Warm regards,
Raistlin
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Mr Green

ex-BK

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Re: I am new here

Post07 Oct 2009

Welcome here
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desi_exbk

ex-BK

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Re: I am new here

Post10 Oct 2009

priscilla wrote:I remember, as a child, being scared a lot of the time, always thinking about how the world was about to end.

I can very much relate to your experience Priscilla. BKWSU's toxic philosophy was fed to us along with our cereal! Then, as we grew up, it was fed with Toli.

Yeah, those bhattis ... for me, it was physical pain :sad: - numb and aching feet!! A good student always sat on the floor in a lotus pose :D.
priscilla wrote:my parents are still very active in the BK community

Ditto! - at least one half.
bkti-pit wrote:In my opinion, if God is disappointed with you he does not deserve to be God. Better to leave him alone.

Couldn't agree with bkti-pit more.

I am glad you now have a family. Please cherish your life.

Look forward to hearing from you more.

Regards,
Deccani

P.S. Kids are wonderful.

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