A new perspective on growing up BK

for ex-BKs, exiting BKs, Friends & Family of BKs and newcomers to the forum.
  • Message
  • Author

alanna

friends or family of a BK

  • Posts: 41
  • Joined: 17 May 2008

A new perspective on growing up BK

Post16 Mar 2010

Hi everyone,

I first posted here a little under two years ago, giving my experience growing up in a BK family:

viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1625

At the time, I was shocked to discover this site and read so many negative things about the BKs, but I still felt that my overall experience had been positive, despite a few issues.

Things have changed. I am currently undergoing counselling and coming to terms with the damage that has been done to me through growing up as a BK.

I did not mention this in my original post, because it never occurred to me that my BK experience could have anything to do with it, but I've suffered from depression since I was a teen. This has never been diagnosed as such because I've never sought help, but was fairly static throughout my teenage years and still comes on in sudden bursts from time to time now I am older and have learnt to deal with a lot of my issues. (Namely self hatred, low self esteem, feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness, plus suicidal feelings that I have never acted upon. I have self harmed [only very light cutting] irregularly since I was a teen too).

I finally sought help in June 2009, when I had a very short-lived but intense bought of depression. I have come a long was since my teen years and thought I'd put most of my issues behind me, but this indicated that I still had stuff to deal with so I reluctantly listened to my friends and went to see a counsellor.

Within a couple of sessions I had the incredibly intense realisation that my depression and feelings of self hatred could quite obviously be linked to BK teachings and my experiences as a child. From the age of about 5, I'd learnt the "value" of detachment - from my family, from the world, from all the things that would have mattered so intensely to me as a child looking for love, identity, affection and guidance.

I learnt that my body conscious understanding of myself was a bad thing, that I should be trying to become soul conscious. My Father was learning this too - and putting it into practice. In order to try and make my dad happy, I tried my absolute hardest to put these things into practice too. Essentially, any chance I had of developing a functional, whole identity was f**ked. Any chance I had of valuing myself as a person in the "lokik" world was f**cked.

No wonder I spent the whole of my teenage years trying to hide myself away, believing I was worthless, negating my own desires and my very right to exist, to continue living; after all, 'Alanna' was just a role, a role I should detach myself from. Only my soul mattered.

I am still working through this, so I won't go on much more. Basically, I am extremely angry. I feel like my whole understanding of my childhood is based on lies. I had no idea what was happening to me, I was just trying my hardest to fit in to both the BK world and the lokik world - quite how I reconciled the two in my underdeveloped mind I have no idea! I am starting to feel surprised that I am not even more screwed up!

I'd love to hear from anyone else who grew up as a BK, particularly in the UK in the 1990s. I am also interested in how long it took those of you who have left to realise that there was anything wrong. I feel like my mind's wrapped in a giant white BK sari and I need to rip through it to get to the truth ...
User avatar

ex-l

ex-BK

  • Posts: 10661
  • Joined: 07 Apr 2006

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post16 Mar 2010

There is not a lot I can say right now but I am deeply moved and deeply impressed by the wise steps you have taken. Please excuse the Indian-ism (it does not belong to the BKs) but ... namaste. I bow to you.

What I read here is terrible. You as a child, as any child would do, were trying to find love and acceptance from your parent and make them happy by conforming to some idiotic, half-baked, corrupt religion based on spirit worship and run by a mixture of naive incompetents under the thumb of corrupt manipulators. Does that just about sum it up?

You are right. Your chances of normality were f**ked. What I read in what you say is that you were basically being trained to be a psychopathic or schizophrenic! You do need to remove all that programming. But it is not impossible and you can come out of it a better, more insightful person ... an expert even. It is not what you want to hear but healing yourself afterwards will leave you with many useful and deep insights into the human condition.

Study up around the subject of cult religion. Do not go for the trash end of the market but have a look at some of the psychological and anthropological studies of tribalism and cultism and I think it might help you a lot.

You do not have to answer this online but one thing I also think might help you and others in your situation to unpick your wound is to study up a little on both Indian and particularly Sindi mentality because you have also been made victim to it. We think what we experience is God's own "Brahma Kumarism" but in reality, a lot of it is "Sindism" or the experience of emigrant "Gujeratism" ... or call it "Patel Syndrome".
User avatar

littlelamb

ex-BK

  • Posts: 35
  • Joined: 03 Mar 2010

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post16 Mar 2010

Hi Alanna

Like ex-l, there is not a lot I can say, except to salute you for your strength of character and to feel for you in your present struggles and acknowledge the damage done to the child you were.
alanna wrote: I am extremely angry.

That anger is energy and can be used as fuel for your healing journey. It also means you can feel! Very important.
I am starting to feel surprised that I am not even more screwed up!

That, I believe is testament to the real power of the human spirit!

Oh Love, I wish you well in your recovery and search for the truth.
User avatar

littlelamb

ex-BK

  • Posts: 35
  • Joined: 03 Mar 2010

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post16 Mar 2010

ex-l said, "You do not have to answer this online but one thing I also think might help you and others in your situation to unpick your wound is to study up a little on both Indian and particularly Sindi mentality because you have also been made victim to it. We think what we experience is God's own "Brahma Kumarism" but in reality, a lot of it is "Sindism" or the experience of emigrant "Gujeratism" ... or call it "Patel Syndrome".

I would be interested to learn more about this. In my BK time, I was mainly surrounded by Westerners who would nevertheless adopt the mannerisms and speech patterns of the Sindi elders. They would say that of course they had had many births in India and these were their sanskars emerging.

Is there somewhere here on the site where we could learn more about "Sindism"?

Lamb

alanna

friends or family of a BK

  • Posts: 41
  • Joined: 17 May 2008

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post17 Mar 2010

Thanks, ex-l and littlelamb :-) I do plan on doing more research. I hadn't heard of Sindism.

I feel I should point out that I don't believe anyone in the BK centre or my parents intended to hurt me and I do still appreciate the friendships made there, but putting a developing child in that environment, having her listen to very deep, complex, confusing ideas communicated in an extremely emotive, strange language is wrong.

I very much empathise with some of the points made in part I of the child protection report - there are so many things that a child's mind is not able to understand, and I am sure I took some aspects of "The Knowledge" very literally when perhaps they were meant in a more "subtle" (I hate that word!) way.
User avatar

littlelamb

ex-BK

  • Posts: 35
  • Joined: 03 Mar 2010

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post17 Mar 2010

Hi Alanna
alanna wrote:I feel I should point out that I don't believe anyone in the BK centre or my parents intended to hurt me

I am sure your parents thought that they were doing their absolute best for you and I too have met some lovely, kind, gentle people in BK centres, who would not wilfully do harm to anyone.

The problem is that being indoctrinated into a cult or cult-like system distorts peoples' perspectives.

I was in my early twenties when I became involved with the Brahma Kumaris and I remember well how some BKs brought young children, babies and toddlers even, to morning classes and other meditation classes. It never occurred to me that this was inappropriate because of course I had been taught that these were Baba's children, they were old souls and therefore not really children at all. I was so impressed by how these children would sit, so still and silent, how special they were. That's how I saw it. Reading the truth of how this really affected you fills me with sadness for you and those other kids.

In my more recent involvement with the Brahma Kumaris, children were not present at any of the events I attended. So maybe lessons have been learned but they are still targetting schools with the Relax Kids stuff (I bought some of the CDs for my own child :shock: who found them hilarious and they are gathering dust somewhere, thank goodness. I now find it hard to see any benefit in the teachings of the BKs because I know too much of the darker side of their activities).

I think the positives that people gain from BK involvement are more to do with their own inherent qualities as a person, qualities which can be shaped and developed through many avenues of life, not just the white sari experience!

Keep ripping your way through to the truth and be kind to yourself in the process x
User avatar

ex-l

ex-BK

  • Posts: 10661
  • Joined: 07 Apr 2006

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post17 Mar 2010

littlelamb wrote:Is there somewhere here on the site where we could learn more about "Sindism"?

Well, in truth, there is no such thing as "Sindism", however there is distinct Sindi history and culture. You could have "a Sindism" though, as in a particularly Sindi trait, characteristic or saying such as "being sugar in the milk" (using sweetness to ingratiate themselves invisibly into any society for the sake of business). Quite a lot of Lekhraj Kirpalani philosophy and allegories are just taken from Sind sayings and attitudes, all the talk and love of songs about 'travelers', 'home', the remote 'husband' etc, as they were a merchant class whose men travel for business.

The point I am making being that Westerners make a mistake by bundling in everyone with a browns kin as "Indian" and assuming it is all uniform "Indian". Sindis are different, many non-Sindi Indians felt sidelined for position and promotion by the Sindis in the old days. (I do not know how things are now, I suspect they have changed).

There are a few books, papers and websites discussing the Sindi people and their various castes or jati (Amils, Bhaibund etc), how they are different from their neighbouring Indians and the relationship between the two. One of the most telling was a Gujerati saying, "If you meet a Sindi and a cobra on the road, kill the Sindi first". They are known for their 'astute' business sense. I am also remember advice given to the early BKs by Lekhraj Kirpalani, something like not bothering going to serve the Gujeratis in the early days because they will come in their thousands later and I think an interesting study could be made of the relationship between the Sindi inner circle and the second class Patels.

The Sindh Story by K. R. Malkani is a good place to start, as are Dalsabzi.com, and "Is this Justice" by Om Radhe which is in the library section. Have a look at some of the other old material. The old Brahma Kumaris, who let's face it are all dying off now so their influence is lessening, were different in that they had been freeze dried in old 30s and 40s attitudes for decades. Lawrence A. Babb "Glancing ... " and Richard Barz books on the BKs are useful reading, "A reinterpretation of Bhakti theology: from the Pustimarg to the Brahma Kumaris".

I am thinking too of the experience of Indian women growing up in foreign countries many of them struggling with the environment around them or retreating into their Indian-ness. Not particularly cultured or educated either. A lot of Brahma Kumarism seemed to me to be a 'Hinduism lite' they were recreating for themselves which satisfied enough of their longing for home.

As for all that stuff about white BKs becoming Indians claiming it was old sanskars from previous births, yes, I remember all of that. Some of it was ridiculous. What is much more likely is that many BKs are just very susceptible to hypnosis and unconscious mimicking. Your therapist might even add in some kind of weak ego adopting a chameleon-like tendency in order to be accepted and survive ... I do not know the technical terms for it but I am sure they exist.

One thing I might raise with your therapist is that many of the techniques the BKs use are indistinguishable from hypnosis and what effect that might have had on you.

alanna

friends or family of a BK

  • Posts: 41
  • Joined: 17 May 2008

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post17 Mar 2010

Hi littlelamb,
...they were old souls and therefore not really children at all. I was so impressed by how these children would sit, so still and silent, how special they were.

You have no idea how many times people would tell me that! The more adults told me I was an old soul, so special and wonderful, the more pressure I felt to have an "experience" and live up to their view of me. I've spent years trying to "shield" other people - my parents in particular - from my own unhappiness and negative emotions, staying silent because then I wouldn't let them down.

I thought there was just something inherently wrong with me, that I was mentally ill, or that my feelings of self hatred etc. were a manifestation of bad karma from past births, but it's all starting to make sense now. I am starting to realise that it's not my fault.
I think the positives that people gain from BK involvement are more to do with their own inherent qualities as a person, qualities which can be shaped and developed through many avenues of life, not just the white sari experience!

Agreed.
User avatar

littlelamb

ex-BK

  • Posts: 35
  • Joined: 03 Mar 2010

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post17 Mar 2010

alanna wrote:I am starting to realise that it's not my fault.

No, and it never was.

xephani

  • Posts: 17
  • Joined: 06 Jun 2012

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post06 Jun 2012

I grew up in BKs too :).
User avatar

ex-l

ex-BK

  • Posts: 10661
  • Joined: 07 Apr 2006

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post06 Jun 2012

xephani wrote:I grew up in BKs too :).

Are you family still in the BKWSU? How are things with them now?

Koolbloke

  • Posts: 8
  • Joined: 08 Jun 2012

Re: A new perspective on growing up BK

Post08 Jun 2012

I myself did not grow in a BK family but understand your pain. I can only think of belonging in anything if it brings me a benefit, be it piece of mind or whatever. It is obvious that BK was not meant for you and you took the right decision to leave it. Better late than never.

As for me, I just could not justify jumping blindly into their philosophy so, like anything, I just took the best of it to help me face the challenges of our material world.

Return to Newcomers

cron