Hi everyone,
I first posted here a little under two years ago, giving my experience growing up in a BK family:
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1625
At the time, I was shocked to discover this site and read so many negative things about the BKs, but I still felt that my overall experience had been positive, despite a few issues.
Things have changed. I am currently undergoing counselling and coming to terms with the damage that has been done to me through growing up as a BK.
I did not mention this in my original post, because it never occurred to me that my BK experience could have anything to do with it, but I've suffered from depression since I was a teen. This has never been diagnosed as such because I've never sought help, but was fairly static throughout my teenage years and still comes on in sudden bursts from time to time now I am older and have learnt to deal with a lot of my issues. (Namely self hatred, low self esteem, feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness, plus suicidal feelings that I have never acted upon. I have self harmed [only very light cutting] irregularly since I was a teen too).
I finally sought help in June 2009, when I had a very short-lived but intense bought of depression. I have come a long was since my teen years and thought I'd put most of my issues behind me, but this indicated that I still had stuff to deal with so I reluctantly listened to my friends and went to see a counsellor.
Within a couple of sessions I had the incredibly intense realisation that my depression and feelings of self hatred could quite obviously be linked to BK teachings and my experiences as a child. From the age of about 5, I'd learnt the "value" of detachment - from my family, from the world, from all the things that would have mattered so intensely to me as a child looking for love, identity, affection and guidance.
I learnt that my body conscious understanding of myself was a bad thing, that I should be trying to become soul conscious. My Father was learning this too - and putting it into practice. In order to try and make my dad happy, I tried my absolute hardest to put these things into practice too. Essentially, any chance I had of developing a functional, whole identity was f**ked. Any chance I had of valuing myself as a person in the "lokik" world was f**cked.
No wonder I spent the whole of my teenage years trying to hide myself away, believing I was worthless, negating my own desires and my very right to exist, to continue living; after all, 'Alanna' was just a role, a role I should detach myself from. Only my soul mattered.
I am still working through this, so I won't go on much more. Basically, I am extremely angry. I feel like my whole understanding of my childhood is based on lies. I had no idea what was happening to me, I was just trying my hardest to fit in to both the BK world and the lokik world - quite how I reconciled the two in my underdeveloped mind I have no idea! I am starting to feel surprised that I am not even more screwed up!
I'd love to hear from anyone else who grew up as a BK, particularly in the UK in the 1990s. I am also interested in how long it took those of you who have left to realise that there was anything wrong. I feel like my mind's wrapped in a giant white BK sari and I need to rip through it to get to the truth ...
I first posted here a little under two years ago, giving my experience growing up in a BK family:
viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1625
At the time, I was shocked to discover this site and read so many negative things about the BKs, but I still felt that my overall experience had been positive, despite a few issues.
Things have changed. I am currently undergoing counselling and coming to terms with the damage that has been done to me through growing up as a BK.
I did not mention this in my original post, because it never occurred to me that my BK experience could have anything to do with it, but I've suffered from depression since I was a teen. This has never been diagnosed as such because I've never sought help, but was fairly static throughout my teenage years and still comes on in sudden bursts from time to time now I am older and have learnt to deal with a lot of my issues. (Namely self hatred, low self esteem, feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness, plus suicidal feelings that I have never acted upon. I have self harmed [only very light cutting] irregularly since I was a teen too).
I finally sought help in June 2009, when I had a very short-lived but intense bought of depression. I have come a long was since my teen years and thought I'd put most of my issues behind me, but this indicated that I still had stuff to deal with so I reluctantly listened to my friends and went to see a counsellor.
Within a couple of sessions I had the incredibly intense realisation that my depression and feelings of self hatred could quite obviously be linked to BK teachings and my experiences as a child. From the age of about 5, I'd learnt the "value" of detachment - from my family, from the world, from all the things that would have mattered so intensely to me as a child looking for love, identity, affection and guidance.
I learnt that my body conscious understanding of myself was a bad thing, that I should be trying to become soul conscious. My Father was learning this too - and putting it into practice. In order to try and make my dad happy, I tried my absolute hardest to put these things into practice too. Essentially, any chance I had of developing a functional, whole identity was f**ked. Any chance I had of valuing myself as a person in the "lokik" world was f**cked.
No wonder I spent the whole of my teenage years trying to hide myself away, believing I was worthless, negating my own desires and my very right to exist, to continue living; after all, 'Alanna' was just a role, a role I should detach myself from. Only my soul mattered.
I am still working through this, so I won't go on much more. Basically, I am extremely angry. I feel like my whole understanding of my childhood is based on lies. I had no idea what was happening to me, I was just trying my hardest to fit in to both the BK world and the lokik world - quite how I reconciled the two in my underdeveloped mind I have no idea! I am starting to feel surprised that I am not even more screwed up!
I'd love to hear from anyone else who grew up as a BK, particularly in the UK in the 1990s. I am also interested in how long it took those of you who have left to realise that there was anything wrong. I feel like my mind's wrapped in a giant white BK sari and I need to rip through it to get to the truth ...