I am Hanging

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Affected BK

questioning BK

  • Posts: 90
  • Joined: 30 Apr 2010

I am Hanging

Post30 Apr 2010

Reading the different posts for 10 days.

I would like to participate.

I was in for 14 years.

I am out for four months.

I am hanging now.

I do not know where I will fall.

I know that I cannot proceed further with BKs.

I know that I am like an abnormal man in the normal world (society).

I know that I am a lonely man with no beliefs now, with no hopes, no ambitions, no plans, standing on a cross roads.

I am hanging now.

I do not know where I am going to fall.
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Mr Green

ex-BK

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Re: I am Hanging

Post30 Apr 2010

Don't worry my friend, your life has actually just begun ...

you will feel normal again (whatever that is).

You're becoming free.

duty bound

questioning BK

  • Posts: 29
  • Joined: 11 Mar 2009

Re: I am Hanging

Post30 Apr 2010

Broaden your horizons, read a good book, see a movie or two, eat some good food that you like, get a hobby ... grow flowers or vegetables, build a fire and dance around it, do something wild, boredom is not an option ... your life is just starting over, tell your family you love them.

God is yours and doesn't belong to the BK. Try not to take yourself to seriously. Take a deep breath, smile and move on.
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ex-l

ex-BK

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Re: I am Hanging

Post30 Apr 2010

kumar28061972 wrote:I was in for 14 years ... I am out for four months.

Boy ... you talk like you had just come out of a prison ... which, in fact, you just have. A sort of prison of lunacy.

Be happy. You have made it. You passed. You are reborn.


What to do? Well, you need to find a positive way to explain your situation to others and then get on with something practical. You will probably have to rebuild your life a little and catch up financially and professionally but I also encourage you to have some sort of practical goodwill project to work on.

It is good to tell people that you wanted to explore religion and tried wholeheartedly but that you discovered it was corrupt, manipulative and self-serving ... that you wanted to make a real change to the world and so wanted to focus on more practical things. Yes, find the beauty and wonder in life as it is.

It is good to wake up and realise that you were fooled ... conned ... by tricksters who have been changing The Knowledge, re-writing their predictions of Destruction to trap people like you.

Mr Green is a good person to speak to. He was a surrendered soul and centre-niwassi. He knows better than many of us what life in the BKWSU was like ... and especially what the leadership is like.

Most of all ... I encourage you to speak honestly about what you saw and what you experienced so that others might read it and be saved from the same experiences.

bkti-pit

Independent, free thinking BK

  • Posts: 509
  • Joined: 14 Jun 2007

Re: I am Hanging

Post01 May 2010

Congratulations for your common sense! Congratulations for making it to the crossroads! Here begins the road to healing and growth, the road to life and freedom. Welcome!

I have been in 25 years and some. When I realized that it could not be God I felt I had no choice but to reconsider all my beliefs. It has been a slow process but there was no turning back. It did feel like coming out of a cage into the the open air and bright sunlight.

My coming out might have been easier than many but I believe that if there was enough common sense and will to live left in you to make it to this point, there is hope for you my friend.

If and when you feel like it you can tell us a bit more about your story.
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rayoflight

beyond BK

  • Posts: 361
  • Joined: 17 Mar 2009
  • Location: Truth.

Re: I am Hanging

Post01 May 2010

Dear kumar28061972,

Welcome to the forum. You will find very good advice and support here to help you go through the changes and courage to get through the initial and most difficult transition.

It is worth it though. Please hang in there.

Best wishes to you,
rayoflight
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ex-l

ex-BK

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Re: I am Hanging

Post01 May 2010

Kumar ...

you can transform your feeling of being different into something positive. Make life like an adventure. The discovery of a new world.

It is a thrill to discover that you do not die and are not doomed when you do what you want and do your own thing. You can still do good and help others. You can just rest and be yourself. It is hard to know what to say to you without knowing more about your experience but do not worry about what others might think. Most people live in the present and will see you just as you are day. You have many advantages in comparison to others.

What do you want to do with your life now?

Affected BK

questioning BK

  • Posts: 90
  • Joined: 30 Apr 2010

Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

What I want to do with my life now?

Well, at the moment I am in complete dilema. In the total indecisive state of mind. One thing is clear I can not live as a complete BK life. I tried hard to be like them, follow them but every time I was in confusion. The guilty feeling was always there, no matter what and how much i was doing seva etc. But always there was the feeling that I am not putting enough.

Through this website I learned that there are many who are no longer in the organisation and it relieved me a lot.

My main problem today is to get rid of my indecision. I think it is some psychological problem which is stopping me to take any firm decision. The moment I decide to do something some force gives me the idea just opposite and then i drop the idea of doing the thing and ultimately I move round and round in the circle.

Secondly, loneliness is killing me from inside. I am not able to trust people and find myself uncomfortable mixing with them. Though I know there is much much to do in this world, but my inner will is not ready to do the worldly things again, which I was supposing to destroy soon.

Why I left? I had to left one or the other day, as the complete system was looking confusing to me. I am not blaming any person in particular but the system seems to be confusing, though the people out there is helping and caring but they are only superficial. As attachment is not allowed, and one has to develop the sakshi (observer) state of mind, so it becomes very difficult to expect or to vent out things from people which are considered natural in the normal world. It really surprises me how people are going on and on in the organisation. I think may be because they cannot turn back, especially women, so they have to move on an on.
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ex-l

ex-BK

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Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

I think you view of the BKWSU is accurate the world over. It is a strange half-world.

For me, there is only one truth about the BKWSU ... all the time, property and money goes in one direction, into the BKWSU's bank account, and much of it is wasted on stupidity, increasingly more on luxuries like First Class flights.

It is a terrible truth to discover that they have been using this fear of the End of the World to trap people from the 1930s and 40s. If you read the History section, you will discover Lekhraj Kirpalani or BapDada specifically predicted Destruction during WWII, 1950, 1976, mid-1980s to mid 90s before you even joined. It failed. People left. The leadership started changing the Murli predictions to hide and cover it all up.

Your will or interests are like muscles which you have not used for a long time. They have wasted away through lack of exercise. You will need to exercise to build them up again.

You may well just need a rest, plenty of sleep, some natural peace and quiet without any "efforts" in order to sort your thoughts out. Then go and meet people.

Try finding some interest group you might like or go back to adult education classes etc, if they have them where you live. Learn how to dance, mix with people of the opposite sex, perhaps you can spend time and help children. Their natural purity and interest in life will give you much more back in return.

Sadly, I think you are right. The system is well designed to trap Indian women in, young and old, and exploit them for free labor.

Perhaps you could start to campaign against that and for the Kumaris to be really helped in order to grow and become independent? I know some civil group accused Dadi Janki of running a system designed to marry young girls off to a spirit god. I think they are made into slaves.

starchild

ex-BK

  • Posts: 113
  • Joined: 23 Apr 2009

Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

Hi Kumar28061972

Welcome to you.

The beginning of getting healing is talking about your experience and seeing the fears that have been instilled in the psyche. I also remember the confusion. It will pass.

it seems to me that each one who comes on and writes their story here helps even those who have left a long time ago as they seem to articulate another facet of how the BK experience affects one.

I still believe that once we have unraveled and resolved the hurt and abuse, that we each one will have gained according to how genuinely one engaged with the concepts of truth etc. It seems at first that those who gave their all were the most hurt. The pity of it is that as you say (the concepts are wonderful) but it has ended up somehow superficial.

As someone has pointed out the BKs do not own God.

If 28061972 is your date of birth you are still very young in the world of today. Your life is ahead of you and though it will take time to readjust, give yourself that time, take the support of the good and kindness of the people of this forum and you will find your way.

Regards Starchild.
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enlightened

ex-BK

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  • Joined: 30 Aug 2007

Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

Hey Kumar

Welcome ... please note that you're not the only one hanging. I've been in more than 25 years and out for about 10 years and undergoing psychotherapy for about 3 years and I still find myself hanging at the crossroads not knowing which way to go ... Truthfully speaking, I could say that I am only really out of the BKs since about 4 and half years mentally ... and only really coming out since I started therapy ... However, the journey of recovery is proving to be extremely long ...

Even after so much therapy, why do I still find myself hanging ... not knowing which way to go ...

there are so many options, possibilities, opportunities etc...but i cant get myself motivated to go for them ...

life for me too has been and is still very very lonely ... frustrating, confusing, unclear, indecisive ... even after so many years ...

I feel that someone just needs to kick me up my backside to just get on with it ... someone needs to cut the rope so that I just land somewhere instead of hanging for so long ...

I want to do so much but why cant I just get on with things ... why does life have to so difficult even after putting in so much effort in therapy and in recovering ...

I still find myself getting trapped in situations that take all my energy ... in situations that people are maybe using me, cheating me ...

How does one know the intentions of another human being after being cheated, abused and used for so many years ... is there any genuine, honest, kind and decent person on this planet who can just accept you as you are and go beyond the physical appearances and your current circumstances ... is there anyone who can really understand me for who I really am?

I do not know ... am still awaiting the time when I can say, "yes, this is what i need to do in my life next, this is how i will do and this is the person with whom I may share my life with ... etc etc".

Right now, it is still a life of confusion and uncertainty.

Yours enlightened :-?
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ex-l

ex-BK

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Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

kumar28061972 wrote:I know that I am like an abnormal man in the normal world ... I know that I am a lonely man with no beliefs now, with no hopes, no ambitions, no plans, standing on a cross roads ... I am hanging now ... I do not know where I am going to fall.

You are probably wiser than you realised ... perhaps you should study the Tarot for a while, and the mysteries of the Hanged Man?
le-pendu-the-hanged-man.jpg


The Hanged Man is about letting go ...

    having an emotional release ... accepting what is
    surrendering to experience ... ending the struggle
    being vulnerable and open ... giving up control

    renouncing a claim ... putting self-interest aside
    going one step back to go two steps forward
    giving up for an even higher cause
The suspension of the Fool's progress occur when learning reaches a plateau. If things are seen from a new perspective, change can occur. You are not being punished unjustly. It indicates a need self-surrender to a higher wisdom. A reversal of your usual way of life. The giving up of something to gain something better.

The Hanged Man appears to be a captive, suffering an undeserved punishment under the power of an unknown malicious force. This initial impression generally leaves a reader with the uneasy feeling that the card portends disaster or trouble. However, when viewed more closely, the positive aspects of the card become more evident.

The young man bears a peaceful countenance upon his face, much more the look of a man content with his fate than at the mercy of unknown powers. He also has a bright yellow halo around his head, suggestive of his purity, innocence and divinity. The Hanged Man is a willing victim, someone who has chosen the path of sacrifice to accomplish a higher goal.

The Hanged Man represents the willingness to forsake the temptations of instant gratification for a higher cause, and because of his willing sacrifice he accomplishes the goals he has in his heart. When we encounter the Hanged Man, we should consider areas in our lives where we may need to act in a more selfless manner or, in contrast, we may need to examine our life for areas in which we are giving too much to others at the expense of our own mental and spiritual well-being.

What emotions does the image of the Hanged Man stir in you?

You are lucky now ... many have walked this way.
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alladin

no label

  • Posts: 917
  • Joined: 27 Feb 2007

Re: I am Hanging

Post02 May 2010

Yes, and walked out of that uncomfortable position. It is not compulsory to "hang in there". Reclaiming one's freedom is no joke, it takes determination, and love for the self. We all have to roll our sleeves up and start doing it, it won't happen all at once in one day, due to having been conditioned deeply and become subservient to guilty feelings, fear and various programming.

Again, I like to use a boomerang quote against the BKs: remember the story of the bird who said he couldn't fly because the branch as preventing him to leave the branch?

In Gyan we are often told that fools are those who dare leaving. But leaving what? I haven't left God, but I can only be with him if I am with myself first, and I don't give up my creeds and my healthy self to a crazy money making organization!!

Best wishes to you and to all of us and to those who are to come on this site looking for some oxygen! I am not done yet, but steadily on the path of recovery and on my own spiritual path, with my third eye clean and open in order to make sure that no harmful thought patterns inherited from my experience in the cult may interfere with my happiness.

Ooops! I used so many "my"!

In tune with the idea of reclaiming, I guess!!!

Bye to all, I am alive and fine, just busy. We, old souls have plenty of little karmic accounts, you know ;) !

because.parmeshwar

exiting BK

  • Posts: 283
  • Joined: 18 Dec 2009

Re: I am Hanging

Post03 May 2010

hello Kumar
hanging some times is good. You have enough time to ponder. Ponder for better options. Life has very much to offer. Some body is waiting for you just go and grab.

angel

questioning BK

  • Posts: 3
  • Joined: 09 May 2010

Re: I am Hanging

Post12 May 2010

Hi Kumar,

I, too, am struggling with distancing myself from BK. I feel also that I could not give 100%. That I was not the 'full package' when it came to what they believe in. It is a difficult journey, I guess for a lot of people who come into BK from less than 'ideal' situations. It is hard enough trying to find out who you are before BK. After learning all I could possibly learn from my 'teacher', I think I am having an even more difficult journey trying to undo what has been ingrained in me now.

Please be reassured that you are not the only one in this predicament. Believe in yourself and that you have made the first step in your healing journey.

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
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