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Getting Married after BK Life

PostPosted: 15 May 2010
by Affected BK
Hello every body and thank you very much to all of you for all your encouragement and motivation which I desperately needed. The title "I am Hanging" is well used and explained.

Please allow me to change the topic now, which I am sure would be well experienced by many of you EXs.

My friends and relatives are noticing me, my stage is not quite OK, feeling terrible pain of loneliness and despair. Going out for work, but could not mix up with the people normally.

My friends and relatives are suggesting to go for the marriage as it will give me company and help me to live a normal life. I request you to kindly suggest anyone who has undergone marraige after spending good years in the BKs and how it is affecting one's life?

Thank you once again.

Re: I am Hanging

PostPosted: 18 May 2010
by ex-l

I cannot speak from personal experience but can relate some of others experiences who have left messages here and make a general comment.

For any good relationship, I would say that what is important is either or both mental equality and/or mutual respect. That is to say, where there is not mental equality between the partners, at least their can be mutual respect for each others special abilities.

I come from a different culture where it is entirely possible to have relationships, more than one relationship, without marriage. By that I mean "serial monogamy" ... not multiple relationships at the same time (infidelity). People live with each other for as long as they want and then split and move on some finding other partners, others not. It is left to the individual's choice. I understand that most of India does not follow this pattern.

It would seem to me that the hardest part for BKs re-adjusting to ordinary life is that BKs are mostly used to a highly self-disciplined and reflective lifestyle. They are encouraged to become "selfless" - which I think is a good thing - ,but unfortunately, that personal selflessness is exploited for self-interest of the organization of the BKWSU.

Not everyone has these qualities of selflessness, self-discipline and reflection ... especially moral self-discipline and moral reflection ... and I think the hardest part of engaging into a relationship is living with someone that does not. In my opinion, most of life for most people is a bit of a fight for one's own self-interest and being a BK, and seeking to avoid conflict, might not actually prepare one for that. It may take time to relearn, it might be difficult to adapt and be accepted into an environment where fighting for one's own self-interest is normal.

(Of course, even some BKs do not have these qualities but they are a minority I feel and so I exclude them from these thoughts).

So, my primary advice (peer/mutual support), would be to look for someone with such qualities of self-reflection and self-questioning with which one can continue to grow spiritually but other qualities are important too. Someone who is more down to earth might be a good balance.

The other most important issues would be to discuss very openly what you have been through and why. This might be less of a problem in India where spiritual seeking is more common. Don't hide it, but avoid falling back into the habit of "serving" non-BKs!

Real life is interesting. There is plenty to do. There is plenty of good to do. You have to re-consider your own personal security. "Serving others" if that still interests you, is not limited to preaching Brahma Kumarism ... you can still give to and help others in many ways.

In short, leaving the BKWSU for me, is about becoming one's self again, picking up one's own spiritual or life path, learning one's own lessons, in religious terms, "becoming one's own master". My feeling is that we were conned by being sucked into the BKWSU and taken off our own path to walk someone else's, to serve their ambitions and their self-interests not our own.

Life is not always easy. Success and failure are part of life and often beyond our control. But it is better to be one's self and learn one's own lessons rather than someone else's.

In many ways, you - as a male - were made to be a wife. A wife to the Seniors, to BapDada, to the BKWSU ... by that, I mean more submissive, passive and subservient. It should have made you a better person and made you more capable to be a better, more sympathetic husband too! But you may have to re-learn some of your strengths.

In balance, would I do it? Yes, is the answer. Move on. Leave that life. It really is only becoming worse and more exploitative.

Do not worry about God or gods too much. Be a good person and if they need you, they will come and ask themselves ... they do not need some old women in white to ask for them and take a commission in between.

Re: Getting Married after BK Life

PostPosted: 24 May 2010
by Affected BK
Here it is. The post which shook me. I, myself, turned out to be a very bitter person whilst in the BKs. I was not talking sweetly to anybody. Anger was always there on the tip of my tongue. I lost faith from all my relatives and friends in those years and recently when I got bitter with the BKs also, I lost them too. Today I’m, totally isolated from the outside world. Not in BKs, not in the world. Hence the feeling of terrible loneliness.

This day was destined to come. My Karmas were like that. When I found GOD and knew that Destruction is coming in 2-3 years, and God is supplying me all what I need, I was flying. Flying in false world, thinking myself chosen one, the great and above all others who are impure and materialistic shudras.

Now, I am back on ground, Destruction did not happen, I can not lodge a complaint against BKs for misguiding me. They will laugh. I do not know to manipulate, so I could not survive in the BKs. I am a straight forward man. Do not know hypocrisy.

I am isolated. It is difficult to find friends, Yes, I am living with my family, and they are helping me from every aspect. But they can not leave their lives for my sake. I have to go to them. I have to ask for my needs. They themselves will not supply any thing. Forget about emotional support from them, they will not supply the materialistic support also in the future, as time is changing and changing fast. Every body is busy in their own world. So, I can not expect anything from them.

What is the way out? I do not know. Is marriage a solution? I cannot say. You have to have an understanding partner. She will come with her own problems. And if I do not understand her, it will increase the pressure rather reducing it. But it will be better than killing ourselves from the terrible feeling of loneliness and insecurity.

Re: Getting Married after BK Life

PostPosted: 24 May 2010
by ex-l
One thing I find helpful is to discard the simplistic concept of "karma" the Brahma Kumaris have taught you. Understand that they teach at a beginners', childlike level ... and they have other agendas. Life is random .. very, very random ... and mostly out of our control. Only our reaction to it is easily under our control and nor are we responsible for it all. Life is random, a lottery, a gamble ... nothing is guaranteed. Largely, we are just a mass of atoms flying through the universe ... new karmas keep being created and colliding. If you read the great teachers in life, none of them apply it in such a simple way.

You have to find your will again. Rebuild and strengthen it through practise. Find something you want to do, like to do, find an interest, a project your are keen on, start with that and keep re-building. It is like building muscles again after you have stopped exercising. Yes, it is a little difficult to start with, but just try a little every day.

A wife? A good wife could become a good companion. Life has a lot of practical necessities for which having a partner makes it a lot easier. If you accept that simple truth, it might make the idea much easier. Have you tried meeting or speaking to people first?

How modern or traditional a community do you live in?