Feel Like I Wasted My Life - but it's not all bad!

Hello everyone,

I found the BKs through a work friend when I was very unhappy in my marriage & my life with a newborn baby & I found the meditation gave me a deep feeling of peace. Since then, 28 years, I have been at various stages in & on the edges but not entirely convinced by some things which I choose to ignore & not to investigate. I took what I liked & left the rest. Every time I came closer to the inner circle, either the senior or some other Sister in the hierarchy made a clear statement rejecting me.

I grew up in a very strong, spiritual & good culture with an very ancient tradition where things like respect, sharing, caring, family & true values are embedded in the culture, laws & traditions. I had also gotten clean & sober from my chemical and process addictions & have spent all my life in 12 step programs genuinely transforming my actions & behaviours. I am a good person & highly intelligent, I have a doctorate & I teach @ a University.

Early in my "BK" life (I don't think I even knew what that was!), I went to my first event when Dadi Janki visited our country. I met a BK Brother then who befriended me & gave me flowers. I was newly divorced, quite vulnerable & looking for peace & a different life, within a matter of months this person began a sexual relationship with me (I am complicit here as I did agree) but it was only once.

I felt quite horrified after as I realised what had really happened & so I went to the country senior, told them & asked about why this would happen if 'celibacy' was truly on the agenda & this person had been a BK a long time. I was treated with disdain, made to feel I caused it & generally guilty.

Being bought up in my culture, it seemed normal for me; relationships, children & families! Being educated in Catholic schools, I knew what institutionalised & Catholic guilt could do so I chose to ignore her & live my life & chose not to engage with that person again as he rejected me when I told him I asked the senior about it. Oh & I was told it was karma & we must have lived together in another life! As our culture believes in reincarnation, I had no problem with that.

Over the years, I maintained my meditation practice which I enjoyed but noticed a high level of dysfunction & institutionalisation & hypocrisy - just like the Catholic church. I kept my distance but studied the philosophy mainly to get answers. I discovered over time that I became more sucked in but still not believing the entire 5000 year thing or I translated The Knowledge I heard into some of the similar things in my own culture but then began to wonder why Indigenous people aren't on The Ladder! Eventually I think I became very indoctrinated, going to India regularly but always having my cultural spiritual life & my 12 step program's to anchor me.

I gradually realised that the senior was always very denigrating of me, not only to me but to others, she refused my child to go to India on countless occasions but Dadi Janki told her she could go when she was 11 as long as she read the Murlis every morning. I let her choose & eventually when my child asked as an adult 18 years old, her Father & I decided it was OK. I never asked for permission for anything except to do retreats & programs but when I told the travel person who told the senior I was taking my now adult child to Mt Abu I was told by the travel person that ' xxxx said it would be my karma if I did'.

My child saw it for what it was, & in fact had always cautioned me, & I know I trust my child more. From the last 5 years, I became more involved in my own cultural traditions learning from my Elders & spiritual people in my own culture what real truth, love & spirituality is. When we took some of my Elders to Mt Abu, Dadi Janki treated them with such arrogance that all of us were very shocked. The leadership has always kept me close but the main senior of our country told me last year (after I had not been for 7 years due to financial issues) that I had not brought any of my people to the Yagya - which is not true - & that I should deal with my self respect (which actually is quite strong) & has generally never treated me with regard or respect which my own women Elders do - usually with unconditional love & respect!

There are too many instances to repeat but, generally, I cannot & don't believe such a hierarchical & dysfunctional group of people who got me at my most vulnerable - & I don't find them very spiritual given the number of incidences I've witnessed ... I spent 5 years in psychotherapy of my own choice after putting a Catholic priest in jail for sexually abusing me as a child & from then I have recovered & questioned anything which does not sit well with me intuitively whilst maintaining those cultural traditions which support my spiritual life of peace & simplicity. I have seen too many adult children like me destroyed by the coercion & lies & I am concerned too.

My psychiatrist challenged my membership of this cult 10 years ago & I heard that but wasn't ready - but he was right - I am now choosing to follow my heart - trust what I know to be true & continue my journey. I always wondered why the BKs denied my sharing of 12 step ideals which actually enable you to be individually responsible & change your behaviour for the better & my cultural traditions which are 'really' about family. I have spent more than half my life celibate because of this institution & because I thought purity was right but I know that it's not what they espouse & now I see how choices based on this falsehood I missed to have a partner.

My child asked me if I was lonely & truthfully I am not but I am sorry I believed them because despite my following the 'rules' I am always treated badly & my human, civil & social, spiritual rights have been violated because I trusted them - a result of my childhood abuse I know ... but now my eyes are wide open & I am choosing what I want to do. I always congratulated any BK who went into a relationship or got married because I always felt it was normal, as all my values do.

So although I've been traumatised & abused psychologically, I know I have, & I know my part in it so I am not a victim as I am intelligent enough to know what I chose & now I am changing it as I have a goal to have no abuse of any kind in my life or my world & to fight for the human & spiritual rights of every being. I have received some good things from the 'BK' life & like a saying from AA "take what you need & leave the rest" is my motto.

Good luck to all of you & be strong & grown up. If you've been hurt use whatever tools you need to heal.

Blessings!

Dear TrueLife,

Many people have difficult lives with all kinds of problems and betrayals. This forum is for those whose difficulties have been caused by, or exacerbated by, connection to the BKs. It is generous of you to share your story.

Your story shows that you understand the patterns of what can happen to people in institutions, and the abuse that occurs when there is imbalance of power. The dynamic affects some in such a way that they will harm others, and others are affected in a way that they become vulnerable to be harmed.

That you seem able to see your way through it without vindictiveness is admirable.

From what you have pointed out, to me the most telling hypocrisy of this institution is revealed not so much by the blatant coverup and responses to 'major' events, like sexual impropriety etc - cover up is to be expected for it is protection of the kind of "reputation" they want to have. The real hypocrisy is in the disrespect shown to your honesty, your Seniors, indigenous peoples as you've mentioned, and anyone who does not fit their stereotype of "worthy".

For the BK hierarchy, that you were honest about things was not a reason for you to be respected, but a reason for you to be seen as "less". Cunning liars can rise high in the BK ranks, as long as their cunning lies benefit the institution.

It sounds like you have raised your daughter well - and that can make worthwhile almost anything else that happens in life. A well-known child psychologist recently published a book here. In it he tells readers that children should always be encouraged to follow their "gut feelings'' and their heart, and not to do anything they really don't want to do; do not teach them to suppress those inner feelings because of social pressure.

He says e.g. if they really dislike kissing Aunt Susan, they shouldn't be forced to. Because that "conditioning" - of suppressing instinct for the sake of "respect" - gives rise to the ecology of abuse of power (and self-disempowerment) where the authority of the adult (or any person in a more 'powerful' position) is considered as being more important than any feeling of danger or impropriety - and leads to not reporting it as well. This point was not initially brought up in the context of abuse, but in the context of pressure by others - pressure to have sex before one feels ready, pressure to do any activity to "prove" one's worth based on others' say so.

Thanks for your story. Wishing you all the best for the rest of your life!

I met a BK Brother then who befriended me & gave me flowers. I was newly divorced, quite vulnerable & looking for peace & a different life, within a matter of months this person began a sexual relationship with me (I am complicit here as I did agree) but it was only once.

I felt quite horrified after as I realised what had really happened & so I went to the country senior, told them & asked about why this would happen if 'celibacy' was truly on the agenda & this person had been a BK a long time. I was treated with disdain, made to feel I caused it & generally guilty.

Welcome to the forum TrueLife.

You raise a few interesting points but this episode above a terrible account. You were new to the religion and obviously in a vulnerable state of mind. The man involved would have 'known the rules' and, in essence, abused you. You were 'the child' and they were the adult.

According to their rules, you did the right thing and yet they treated you like dirt? What happened to the man? Are you suggesting elsewhere he did this more than once? (That would not be unique, nor unique of just men, I heard of a woman doing the same at one of the American centers).

[quote="TrueLife"]I discovered over time that I became more sucked in but still not believing the entire 5000 year thing or I translated The Knowledge I heard into some of the similar things in my own culture but then began to wonder why Indigenous people aren't on The Ladder! quote]
Do you mind saying which culture you are talking about here?

You raise the issue of "Indigenous peoples". I say peoples because, of course, it is not just Indigenous people and beliefs from your culture but all cultures all over the world; American, African, European and Asian. The BKs also blank all of NE Asian beliefs such as Taoism, Confucianism and Shinto.

And in India, there are indigenous people as well but I think in this we have the answer ... the indigenous people of India are generally seen as the lowest of all classes or even outside of the caste system. In short, as non-humans. Generically they call them "backward castes”, Adivasis or Adi (...) according to their location. India has a long and shameful history of prejudice, discrimination and atrocities against them, and yet they number around 70 million and they are the original people of India.

It strikes me the BKs are so obsessed with their fake Brahmin high caste and status, and at its core their religion is also discriminatory, that they see such people as utterly unimportant, Their beliefs are merely a very minor inconvenient anomaly to the BK teaching which are best ignored (even though it includes to perhaps 33% + of the world population) and easily ignored because in India such people are weak, powerless and unimportant.

I'd also appreciate your thoughts on this matter.

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, I mentioned indigenous peoples and I am talking about Aboriginal culture from Australia.

I have known of the advisvasis of India and met some at some of our International Indigenous people's meetings. I do know how Indians see their Indigenous people and when I once did service in Madhyar Pradesh I was driven 8 hours to a village of Adivasis peoples to meet them and see their new centre. It was very short and we did not have much time but I had asked to meet adivasis and do service there. It was a bit token, so that bothered me.

It has bothered me that I have been seen similarly by the hierarchy but never by Jayanti. She has always been kind, helpful and respectful, but our country senior who was Indian was awful ... most Australians are racist so there were many BKs who were racist to me ... and I've let that go as it's very familiar in my life. Others in the hierarchy are OK, generally, but many have no understanding and I was often told that I was in an Aboriginal body for the purpose of service, nothing else ... bit sad really given that Indigenous people carry so much of the original values and spirituality and spiritual practices that the BKs espouse.

The BKs are elitist and I found myself in the early days as being only useful because of my career position. Now it's because I am Indigenous. I am going to live my life in my own spiritual traditions and let the Indians enjoy theirs!

Re: the BK man involved, he continued on and had relationships with other contact souls and BKs, who then left, but I think he eventually returned to BK life ... other BKs tried to do same with me, some were obvious, some not, others were seductive emotionally without the physical contact, and I always challenged them to own up and be honest and maintained my 'purity', but I always felt purity was about purity at all levels in the mind also and I found that many Brothers did have that so I just go on with my life and stayed away from those sorts. I became friends with many BK Brothers who did practice what they preached and have maintained those friendshops because Ive been honest.

In our culture, when you are studying to be a ngungkari or kaidaichi, which are medicine and law people, then you have to have a period of celibacy for a specific spiritual purpose, and it's your choice, and then you are given the choice after that period to do as you wish as family path is important.

However, many ngungkari and kaidaicha do not marry or have children and they tend to enjoy the life of purity because of the power which comes to them for their work, and because of the rules around relationship attachment in our culture. But it is not coercive and we 'are boss of ourselves'.

I hope this assists in further understanding and it has helped me greatly to relay this on this site. I appreciate your honest feedback.

TrueLife

Knowing only a little about the historical treatment of aboriginals, aboriginal women and white man, my alarm bells are ringing like crazy. Putting that on top of Brahma Kumarism, and the disciplines they should have been follow and present to the world, only makes it even worse!

Thankfully it is all in the past for you and you, like us, are through and out the other side of your experience ... many of see the big lesson in the BKs leaving it and exorcising their spirit from us so as never to be caught or trapped by a similar spirit ever again.

What you are telling us is genuinely terrible and it will take some time for me to process ... on top of the other can of worms you have opened ... to me it was a kind of all too typical sexual and spiritual abuse that your people, your Sisters, have suffered. Albeit it a very "subtle" one, as the BKs would say (it's not subtle at all to me).

I am pretty much aghast.

But tell me please, putting aside the human part and seeing from your spiritual point of view now, what do you see the nature of the spirit of the BKs whether you think of it as a group spirit or an actual spirit "god"?

You can be as honest as you like here, no one will think you are crazy and no one will try and beat you into the BK mould!

Thank you very much for posting.

TrueLife

Thanks for sharing those insights (ngungkari or kaidaichi) into a spiritual tradition that goes back the equivalent of over ten BK kalpas!

It may be for another topic, but I for one would appreciate learning more about the Australian aboriginal culture and spirituality. It offers such a fresh perspective because it developed separately from all the Eur-Asian traditions which have a lot of crossover, borrowings and influence on each other (which i also enjoy unpicking to find origins).

Your experience of being typecaste is to be expected, because there are no people more ironically hypocritical about seeing through ethnicity, social standing, or basic physical appearance than the BKs. They preach "soul consciousness" but practice the "tokenism" that you mention to the nth degree! They'll fit everyone in the whole world into their "Gyani" boxes of caste, branch of The Tree, etc. If anything is not on their ''radar" - like indigenous peoples or a billion chinese, they just ignore them, until one comes along. Then it's, "oh, wah drama, you are x, your role is clear - go and serve x (and don't think you can have any other worthwhile input except in that "department. Know your place)" !

Still, it's probably only different in the detail to the experiences of some intelligent blonde women I knew who, after sincerely practicing "soul consciousness" and "raj Yoga" for a number of years, went to Madhuban and were "typed" by no less than the BK God itself in 'his' blessings to them in personal meetings with, "you are a doll with porcelain skin" and nothing else! Churn all you like on that! When that happened a second time, two years later, they were gone.

I wonder why you hung around and tolerated so much from them for so long? Were you "projecting" something onto the BKs that wasn't there, and excusing any shortfalls from that ideal? Were you getting something there you weren't getting anywhere else?

Oh, and if you don't mind, was there much Christian influence in your background as well as traditional indigenous? The dynamic ex-l refers to went on a lot in the Christianisation of indigenous peoples everywhere, but probably more blatantly in Australia. Many aboriginals seem able to slip between Christian faith and traditional life/spirituality quite easily. And much discussion has preceded this on forum about the misattribution of power, power imbalances etc.

Your experiences as both female and indigenous would be enlightening.

Your experiences as both female and indigenous would be enlightening.

You are very welcome to discuss whatever you like about indigenous spirituality in the [url=http://www.brahmakumaris.info/forum/viewforum.php?f=12]Anything goes[/forum] ... let me put it on record that it is a great privilege to touch base with what is probably the oldest human spiritual tradition on earth in any way ... but it would be better to keep these topics about how you are it relates to your BK experience because that is why people come here and this is the primary place where people can find out more about the BKs, for good and bad.

When I first read your very honest posts, I was also a little concerned about your AA or Al-Anon references because, in many ways, it also has cult-like tendencies ... or at the very least language. There is a tendency of 12 Step individuals to see things in a certain way, and I know some individuals end up swopping their primary addiction for a 12 Step addiction! I guess, personally, I am just a little allergic to it's Christian/religious overtones.

However, appreciate where you are coming from, I understand why it is a good or better thing. I don't understand how why those communities have been so ravaged, probably deliberately so by the Whiteman, by alcohol and other intoxicants. The same happened to the Plains Nations in North America.

The BKs have also targeted alcoholics and substance abusers both in India and the West. I am uneasy at the ethics of that but might excuse it, moreso in India than the West, as the lesser of two evils ... perhaps. We've also had some *very* nasty and damaging reactions from ex-substance users who have attacked us for questioning "their savor" in what I found to be quite an irrational manner which suggested they were not fully over whatever got them into it in the first place. We get similar reactions from BKs about BKism too.

The floor's yours TrueLife ...

A long time ago, we joked about this place being like a 12 Step for ex-BKs ... "Hi. I am ex-l, and I used to be a Brahma Kumari ... I've been God Free for 25 years now but it's still one day at a time ...!".

I'll see if I can dig the link out.

True Life

If some one’s life is wasted on following a "Bogus Cult", no secondary positive aspects could compensate for that ..!!