Hi Proy,
I don't know the person you mailed me.
My experience is that it seems that it is not wholly me who is making decissions ... The last time I quit it was for six years. Maybe because I am raised as an atheist - it was not common in the sixties in Catholic Flanders - that the sanskar often becomes at the foreground and so in those six years I instinctively kept away from spirituallity. Sometimes I watched a Dutch-Hindi program on TV but that was all. But then suddenly, in a talk with a man in the pre-Iraq war period, when he said: "I believe that God is using the Americans to wipe this dirty world clean", I awoke! Six year there was no Baba and in one second he was back again. It looks like he pulls me but who or what chooses the moment? Karmic balans?
ex-l wrote:Do you connect the influences you experienced as a BK with those feelings, or your leaving?
I did not get depressed because of leaving. I got depressed and then I had to leave because I was so ill I even couldn't manage to put my clothes on! BK life in combination with the busy lokik life was to much for me because of my nerves. We, in our family, are very nervous; there is a lot of stress in even little matters. I have to accept that as a BK I am limited, that I can not be as perfect as Baba and the teacher want it to be.
My depression tendency is much older than my BK period. But I was stabilised for 5 years before I met the BK. Vital depression has a lot to do with exhaustion, I think. It is very important for yogis, and especially those with such a huge mission as BKs, to take enough rest. If we reduce our sleep without learning how to take that recuperation out of Yoga, like I did, then there is a problem.
In those early BK years the depression became a manic-depression syndrome (because of Baba pulling me up high again and again ...).