Back to the question ... "out with a bang, or fading away quietly?", what do folks recommend?
Ex-I, a very good question indeed. I have been thinking about this aspect a lot over the past 2 weeks and I've come to some interesting realisations about the effects of ongoing fear-based subconscious programming and/or post-hypnotic suggestions after leaving a cult.
Basically I think, if you are the sort of person who has taken in the programming very deeply into your subconscious about how terribly you will physically and mentally suffer if you "betray" the cult by leaving, then if you leave
suddenly that negative programming may be activated strongly. And from what I've read about post-hypnotic suggestions, experts say that even after 20 years a post-hypnotic suggestion will still be functioning - unless it is somehow removed. On the other hand if you ease out very slowly, it's possible that the fear-based negative programming, and guilt aren't triggered at all or as much.
Please note: I am definitely
not advocating staying in a cult here - I totally agree with Tom:
leave as soon as you see you are in a wrong place. Don't waste a valuable minute of your life there any more.
I am just trying to explain how some ex-BKs like myself may inadvertently cause themselves many years of strife by not being aware of, or knowing how to deal with all the mental programming once they leave. Madelaine Tobias talks about this at length in her videos.
I know that there are so many different factors in each individual's experience of exiting a cult, but I wanted to illustrate the point by comparing the psychological damage and post-cult fall-out of myself (sudden exit, as a young woman) and my Sister (distancing herself slowly over many years as a middle-aged woman). In my case, I was recruited into the BKs as a very innocent teenager and must have unknowingly taken in that programming about "God's punishment" very deeply. I chose to leave the BKs of my own accord when I was nearly 21 but, due to my conditioning by the BKWSU, I basically had no friends or family to turn to for support.
Consequently,
I ended up totally alone in a strange city trying to rebuild my life in a very messed up state of mind - MAJOR PROBLEM #1.
I wasn't even aware that I had been involved with a heavy-duty cult, so I just thought I would ignore it and try to get on with my life - MAJOR PROBLEM #2. But even though my conscious mind was very clear that the BKs were full of sh**, and I just wanted to finish my college degree, start a profession etc. -
it seemed like I just couldn't help unconsciously making all the wrong choices and being drawn to the wrong people - starting with being raped during the predicted "Destruction" in 1986, (the punishment promised to me by the head of the BK center)
- MAJOR PROBLEM #3.
I then seemed to repeat these same kinds of negative experiences, reinforcing the pattern over and over again for the next 25 years - "cult-hopping" and getting sucked in by negative (often "spiritual" people). I seemed to be constantly struggling against some kind of unseen force that created "bad luck", even though I participated in a lot of therapy, self-help groups etc.
Actually, I don't remember ever dealing with the BK experience in therapy, or if I did mention it was skipped over in favour of childhood trauma - MAJOR PROBLEM #4. It is only recently that I have come to realise that the BK programming is still strongly active in my subconscious mind even after 25 years, and I am now investigating ways of removing those toxic beliefs once and for all.
I sincerely believe that I can achieve this healing, now that I am aware of the problem - MAJOR HEALING FACTOR #1On the other hand, in my Sister's case, she has distanced herself from the BKs by tiny increments almost imperceptibly over many (12+) years, always maintaining celibacy, sattvic diet and meditation - and
never openly "defaming" the BKWSU (although who knows what she thinks quietly in her own mind?). As mentioned before, my Sister went from being a very committed BK teacher and center head for many years starting from the mid 1980s, but she is now living independently in a platonic situation with another independent BK Brother.
I have no idea what excuse she gave to the higher ups for her first little step which I think must have been moving out of the center and beginning to share a flat with a BK Sister, or if there were any confrontations. But knowing my Sister's fame in the BK circles for her "sweet" and helpful personality, and her excellent skill at the "art of concealing and revealing", I am betting the transition has been fairly smooth and that she has remained on the BKs "useful" list.
Looking at my Sister's life from the outside, I have to admit she actually seems more "functional" than me, if we were to judge this by superficial measures such as job stability, professional development, money in the bank, etc. And so I've been asking myself what are the factors involved here contributing to what seems to be a relatively trauma-free transition to at least some overt independence from the BKs, even if not a full exit?
My answers so far:
a. My Sister was an adult with some life experience when she joined the BKs, and when she started her exit process she remained living in the same city.
b. She kept at least some of her BK friends and thus had social support. She always remained in full employment in the "real" world and thus also had a work-based social network to fall back on (actually in the 1980s all the BKs in my country had to remain working in outside jobs).
c. She probably did not trigger any hostility from the BKWSU or activate those destructive post-hypnotic suggestions by confronting the BKs or speaking out against them publicly or privately.
d. She has also kept up the strict BK behavioural practices, and still leads a very controlled lifestyle, so I guess she has avoided a lot of guilt and fear and possible emotional trauma (and emotional healing) by staying safely within her BK "comfort" zone.
e. She has also made an effort to reconnect with our mother in recent years (although not much with me).
Anyway, as mentioned in above posts, this may or may not be as far as my Sister will get in her process towards independence. And maybe that's OK for her as she seems to be quite comfortable with her life now. But for me, I want to be finally free of these chains and not be still feeling guilty all the time and somehow controlled by unconscious forces. I thought I had walked away in 1985, but the BK programming remained inside me, working its poison every time I have tried to change my life for the better. I even started kidding myself that I must be actually be "spiritually advanced" because I felt so uncomfortable with relationships or touching people and I couldn't seem to finish mundane courses or get a worldly career happening ... oh my.
So, my conclusion is that if you leave the cult suddenly like I did (which I totally support by the way - as every second in that cult environment will just damage your mind and soul even more), it's important to make sure you educate yourself about the cult process you have been involved in and:-
a) have some support ready outside the cult
b) get help with the psychological stuff from a trustworthy professional who is willing to look at cult programming/ post-hypnotic suggestions.
Regarding confronting the BKs in the center and telling them your reasons for exiting - my advice is don't waste your time and risk copping even more damage. These BK people are "enculted" - which means they are not capable of independent rational thought or any human compassion, no matter how many "world peace" projects they may be promoting. Even though you may have spent years of your life with them,
BKs are not your friends. The BKWSU is an organisation whose center heads will threaten you very strongly with all kinds of vile punishments for "betraying" them (crying tears of blood, being raped etc), if you tell them you want to leave!
So, if you are reading this and you are thinking about leaving the BKs - please don't wait, don't waste your time trying to get answers to your growing doubts - there are none! Just get out as soon as you can. But make sure you have your support networks lined up and read as much as possible about cult recovery and you will be OK. No-one needs to go through what I did - please learn from the experiences of those who have exited before you and fly free. And to Tom who said:
Worse part is you are saying goodbye to your dreams of saving the world from suffering. All of your efforts, years long sleepless days and nights have been for nothing.
Actually, your efforts haven't been for nothing - your sincere motivation still exists, and it's what got you out of the cult.
Lawrence Wollersheim has this to say on his cult recovery website
http://www.factnet.org:
How I healed the psychological injuries from my abuse in a cultLawrence Wollersheim wrote:Step 4: If you were in a religious cult and the religious abuse and spiritual betrayal has taken you away form your spiritual journey and spiritual quest it is absolutely critical to re-begin your spiritual journey and your inner more meaningful life again. Deep spiritual betrayal is among the hardest of the betrayals to overcome, but when you do you will heal faster and deeper than on any other step of the process.