From, BKWSU Watch: The Members
laura wrote:Your description of BK life and a typical BK member is very accurate. I fit your profile exactly and was a BK member for five years following principles and attending class every day without fail. BK members do tend to be the loveliest people you could hope to meet. The teachings have been very well thought out and are very appealing to intelligent but wounded souls looking for an explanation.
It is devastatingly hard to deal with finding hope and purpose in life, finding a place to belong with a huge loving family, yet at the same time the whole family is somehow inhibited and distorted by the expectation of detachment from each other. I am sure the vast majority of BKs I came into contact with were operating with the very best of intentions. Well intentioned lovely deep thinking individuals with big hearts attract others who are the same until it has snowballed in to a large organization.
The desire to be among kindred spirits is so strong that you really want to believe. I gave myself up to BK life entirely willingly and consciously because I wanted to be part of this lovely family. I wanted to better myself and separate myself from my past unhappy life. BKs call coming in to BK knowledge and embracing it your spiritual rebirth or Brahmin birth. It was an answer to my prayers to have a fresh start in life.
I agree with you it is so hard for those of us who have chosen to walk away from that life. To leave is a painful and scary decision and the teachings do mean we become alienated from the spiritual family we loved so much and gave up so much for. Personally, I cant place the blame on my center head or any Brahmin that I met as they all seem to be in the same boat. The man who started it all is long dead and his creation was so cleverly designed as to self perpetuate itself without anyone really seaming to be in charge.
I did not know Dadi Janki or Jayanti well enough to say if there is any darkness in their intentions, I never saw any darkness in their intentions in the five years of hearing classes and having meetings with them. Certainly I witnessed BKs behaving badly and upsetting people but i always put it down to them being human and being under huge pressure to be these perfect angelic beings 24/7.
I never thought badly of them, but it was very sad all members, Seniors especially expect so much from themselves and give themselves such a hard time. Constantly examining your thoughts words and actions in case some vice slips in is exhausting work. The inner conflict and turmoil of all this self examination while also one of the main teachings being positive thinking is a very demanding balance.
They berate other religions for their blind faith but if you question the BK teachings too deeply you will soon find you are expected to have that same blind faith. They have an answer for everything while never really giving you an answer.
When all else fails the standard response is to have Yoga, improve dharna, keep being soul conscious and remember one Baba. Failure to understand a teaching or feel it as truth in your heart is said to be down to some lack of effort on your part. Maybe if you had better Amrit vielas or kept your thoughts more in order then you would see clearly the blinding light of divine truth.
Whichever way the Brahmin student turns all responsibility is piled back on them and we end up disheartend, our all important self respect begins to dwindle away. It seems crazy to think that while making huge efforts and living near angelic lives we could think so badly about ourselves and feel so lowly and unworthy.
BKs do seem to attract people with inferiorty complexes. We need to prove ourselves so much. We renounce our old lives, we give our wealth our time and our energy. We use all our talents to benefit the organization and still, we feel inferior and keep looking for ways to be better and give more. But of course that is just our sanskaras of many births of being devotees in Hindu temples. There is always an answer which is why we continue to feel inadequate and that we are to blame, also why it is so hard to leave.
I finally left after I started teaching new students the seven day course. In the core of my being I knew I was doing something wrong. I am a lovely, well-intentioned, intelligent strong person and students were inspired by me and trusted me then they would struggle and I knew I was partly responsible. I knew I would never be comfortable being an instrument to bring others in to the organization.
Something about the organization just would not sit right within me and being fully aware of this I was unwilling to be responsible for bringing others in to something I was not 100% certain about. Once realizing I could not advocate this path for others I had to finally question if I could continue with it myself.
After five years being a model student I just stopped going to class and of course had to deal with the family's disappointment as good students and teachers are hard to come by, specially young enthusiastic ones such as I was. I still have so much love for the BK family and many of their ideals and do feel sad I can no longer belong with them.
Leaving was indeed traumatic. I never doubted leaving was the right decision but having joined as a troubled teenager and followed the principles so well, I did find myself a bit lost in the world. I did find five years of repressed hormones were very messy when finally after leaving they rebelled and flooded out. Going from a very pure extreme lifestyle then (being an all or nothing sort of person) allowing myself to drown in lust and worldly pleasures was a big emotional shock.
I was left very confused about my own duality and identity. I did a lot of damage to myself while discovering my limits. I was always a loner a non-conformist. I came from a broken, dysfunctional family and had no friends. Then I cut myself off even more from the world in Brahmin life.
I lived and worked appearing relatively normal but internally more cut off from the world than ever but as a Brahmin that was desirable and praised. I had the Brahmin family and I did a huge amount of healing and growing with them. My time as a Brahmin was the happiest time of my life and most forfiling time of my life, again making it so painful to leave.
I, personally, had to leave because I do not trust the entity which they channel and call "God ShivBaba". When I had the privilege to stand in front of that being and look in to those eyes I did not see or feel God. That being is certainly powerful, and has huge energy, but I do not believe it to be God.
The Murlis to me never seemed quite right. I am sure editing and translation played a part in them not feeling right, but also I always had the notion that the best way to hide a lie is to wrap it up really beautifuly in layer upon layer of truth. That is always what I felt about the Murli. There was so much beauty and truth in them, some great teachings and inspirations but within a sence of something dark that I never trusted.
It was very frowned upon to speak of the Murli that way so I tended to just put it aside and not mention it too much. I would listen and pick out the pearls from amongst the mud being careful how I chose my words when sharing points so as not to offend or alarm more believing members. I thought maybe I could do some good and maybe save my lovely spiritual family from within but they did not want to be saved, I could no longer pass myself off as a believer so I left.
I was fortunate that for as long as I can remember I have been in love with God and trusted completely in God's total unconditional and most gentle love for me. MY family as a child were never religious. My connection with God has always been very personal and beautiful. God is the one being who I have always felt with me loving me through all my heartaches and troubles. I have a very clear understanding of my relationship with God and not even the BKs could touch that.
I agreed completely with the loving God they presented, but listening to the Murlis it was clear a lot of the content was not from the God I knew and trusted. Sometimes I would think it must be Brahma Baba's words I am not happy with but we were always told they spoke in combined form and every word must be taken as the true word of God. Even if it were only Brahma Baba whose words i objected to, I still could not accept that my loving God would allow those wrong words and teachings to pass uncorrected. Therefore I became certain the Murli was not the word of God and as a Brahmin it is best not to say such things aloud as other students would become offended, defensive and most likely scared that I was right.
I think many Brahmins just keep going because that seems easier than confronting the thought they may be following a lie and have struggled so much unnecessarily and led others towards a lie. It is nice to feel you are special and superior in some way, that you have lifted yourself out of the dirt and are becoming an angel worthy of heaven. It is lovely to think that by bringing others on to the path you are saving them and helping them claim their eternal fortune.
How wonderful to be working side by side with God and a fleet of angels transforming hell in to heaven. What higher purpose could there be for your life than to reach your own perfection and help others do the same in a supportive loving family headed by God himself who constantly sustains you with divine power and guidance. Then imagine the idea that it is all a lie that some unknown being is manipulating you in God's name that you are not, in fact, following Gods holy directions but are working on behalf of a dead man's delusions or unknown spirit.
You certainly don't want to believe that could be true. Such a painful and tragic realization could not be entertained and is not welcomed from anyone especially a BK.
In conclusion, I am so happy that I had those five years with such lovely people and made so much progress within myself. I had some lovely magical experinces and am so grateful for my time in BK life. I do not regret being a BK for five years at all (quite the opposite). I do feel very sad about what I feel are some misguided beliefs and systems and I so wish the organization could exist in a slightly changed form without the darkness of the unknown teacher claiming to be God. That being is the only one I am angry with, but being a bodiless spirit, it is difficult to discuss the matter with that one.
I would very much like it if Dadi Janki would turn and confront it on one of its channeled visits but maybe she knows better than to upset it. Maybe it is Brahma Baba, or maybe he also was a victim, believing the spirit he channeled to be God. It is hard really to point the finger of blame at anyone within Brahmin family as the whole lot of them are blindly following some ghost or disembodied spirit that is invited to take possession of first Brahma Baba, then to bring his spirit along for the ride and take possession of Dadi Gulzar.
Who knows who is really behind it all and what they seek to gain, maybe this spirit believes itself to be God, maybe it believes its own teachings? Maybe it is inspired in some way by God but has mixed in its own ideas not knowing them to be wrong or harmful.
Maybe I am too kind in looking to excuse Brahmin family of any fault or blame. I do think these are all questions that Brahmins should ask themselves and thoroughly discuss with an open mind and sharp intellect. I do think they should show some of that Shiv-shakti courage and really really look in the mirror of their hearts individually and as an organization.
Realization leads to transformation and it would be nice if they applied that to the very core of their structured system and were honest about what is wrong. It takes courage to admit mistakes and move on with greater wisdom. It takes courage to admit your investments are misplaced, but all is not lost. They as an organization could be so much greater than they are now if they shook it all up and threw out the rubbish to make room for newness.
There is nothing wrong with not knowing all the answers, nothing wrong with not being specially chosen, we are all equal and that is OK. We may not have an instruction book from GOD all neatly delivered in a class every day but we can each find God in our own hearts and work on uplifting mankind, cleaning up the world without the help of a disembodied spirit that certainly is not God, or at least not the complete God.
We may well all be parts of God, I don't have all the answers but I can live with that.
Best wishes to all.