I told my history at ex-BK site. I left Raja Yoga 11 years ago because I fell in love with a guy, not because I lost my faith.
Left Raja Yoga was a kind of death for me. I rebuild my life quickly (university, marriage, son) and this things help me, but I kept a relationhip with Brahma Kumaris all this years. I discover ex-BK site when Brahma Kumaris was almost overcame for me. It was important to write there to finish this chapter in my life. I am doing therapy since I left BK and I had an interesting dream last week and I would like to share with you some impressions about it. Please, sorry the bad, bad English ...
I dreamed that I was with my therapist. He told me he has a patient who said, "she was the God's beloved". Immediatly I said to him that I know this history very well. She came from Brahma Kumaris and he needs to deconstruct (I don't know this word in English, but it is not build again and it's not destroy too) her. I felt I kind of angry about her situation.
I think a lot about this dream and I could understand somethings with it. When I join with BK, I was 18 years old. A young and passionated girl. The main relashionship I had with God was the beloved. I had a deeper love for God, so, when I left BK, I felt myself dirty, guilt and full of pain. But I thought I had a special role in this world even though I was not in Gyan anymore. I decided to study journalism and help to reveal Baba throught the media. I did the university, I did a little bit of service but I understood that I chose a profession for idealism. But the reality is so different and the motivation to chose was not internal, but external. So, crises.
The main point is that I never more could have a relationship with a man (I am married) without guilt. I feel myself like an adulterer, because I was betraying Baba. And I couldn´t have sex without think it's bad, it's lust. So, I couldn't be beautiful too. I became fat because a ugly body repels physical attraction.
And since I left Brahma Kumaris, never more I had that deeper relashionship with God. When I try to be close, I come near with shame. Can I be up to the mark of the God's love? Can I love my husband without guilt and shame? Well, I think I need to reconstruct myself and I trying to do this everyday. I am trying to recover my creativity, my passion, my body, my femininity. I don't care if this is body conscious. For me, this is health. And I want and I need to be the Beloved of God again, but without restrictions. I don´t want to be an angel, a deity. I don't care about those things now. I want to be a good person, who loves God, my husband, my son and the humanity. And I am sure that Brahma Kumaris is a path, but is not the path.
Left Raja Yoga was a kind of death for me. I rebuild my life quickly (university, marriage, son) and this things help me, but I kept a relationhip with Brahma Kumaris all this years. I discover ex-BK site when Brahma Kumaris was almost overcame for me. It was important to write there to finish this chapter in my life. I am doing therapy since I left BK and I had an interesting dream last week and I would like to share with you some impressions about it. Please, sorry the bad, bad English ...
I dreamed that I was with my therapist. He told me he has a patient who said, "she was the God's beloved". Immediatly I said to him that I know this history very well. She came from Brahma Kumaris and he needs to deconstruct (I don't know this word in English, but it is not build again and it's not destroy too) her. I felt I kind of angry about her situation.
I think a lot about this dream and I could understand somethings with it. When I join with BK, I was 18 years old. A young and passionated girl. The main relashionship I had with God was the beloved. I had a deeper love for God, so, when I left BK, I felt myself dirty, guilt and full of pain. But I thought I had a special role in this world even though I was not in Gyan anymore. I decided to study journalism and help to reveal Baba throught the media. I did the university, I did a little bit of service but I understood that I chose a profession for idealism. But the reality is so different and the motivation to chose was not internal, but external. So, crises.
The main point is that I never more could have a relationship with a man (I am married) without guilt. I feel myself like an adulterer, because I was betraying Baba. And I couldn´t have sex without think it's bad, it's lust. So, I couldn't be beautiful too. I became fat because a ugly body repels physical attraction.
And since I left Brahma Kumaris, never more I had that deeper relashionship with God. When I try to be close, I come near with shame. Can I be up to the mark of the God's love? Can I love my husband without guilt and shame? Well, I think I need to reconstruct myself and I trying to do this everyday. I am trying to recover my creativity, my passion, my body, my femininity. I don't care if this is body conscious. For me, this is health. And I want and I need to be the Beloved of God again, but without restrictions. I don´t want to be an angel, a deity. I don't care about those things now. I want to be a good person, who loves God, my husband, my son and the humanity. And I am sure that Brahma Kumaris is a path, but is not the path.