So what do you think it is that is overshadowing you?
I appreciate that you might not specifically care about, as long as you feel something, but I still think it is worth stepping back and wondering if it is actually good and leads to more good?
I am always very interested in the BKs' use of language, in this case the word "powerful". It's one that the BKs use an awful lot. Indeed, one could argue that theirs is a path to or about "power". In their case, quite worldly power and political in nature, ie power in society and power and influence over others. For decades, and in the Murlis and other material, they described themselves as a "religio-political" movement.
It is assumed that "powerful" is good which, given their roots in the Indian caste system is revelatory about their values and ambition.
Perhaps "tangible" would be a better description of what you are experiencing?
I mean, in what way is it, or you, "powerful"? Are you talking about Superman like abilities, influence over others, or status within society? Obviously, the answer is none of those.
For me, I don't accept that the god spirit (or spirits) of BKism are the God of all humanity and religions at all. I tend to think that the grosser, more tangible experiences must be lower ones; and the higher they are, the more subtle they are (meaning that most of us cannot even pick them up).
Is it an entirely subjective experience, or does it lead to positive expressions?
Honest, open questions?
30 years later, and surely being one of the BKs "anti-Christs", I can still feel pressures I equated as "experiences" duirng my BK days ... but I don't see it as a positive thing. I also think that during my BK days, I wasted years doing nothing, doing pointless activities and, ulimately, was living an impractical self-damaging life.
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I am mindful that we've wandered off topic from the original question and so I will refer back to it now.
Actually, I did not know that after 5 years you were suppose to hand over everything to the organisation. That's part of the unwritten system they don't tell you about and you only find out if you are deep in and it is relevent to you. I knew that some Indian Brothers did so, handing over their entire and sometimes considerable wages, and being given pocket money back by the center-in-charge to live on. And I know many Western BKs who took on all the expenses or mortgage of the centre and doing service, and gave up all privacy to do so, e.g. no time off, no private space.
I can see how from the BKWSU point of view, 5 years is a good test point to make sure that the individual is fully committed and socially conditioned. But, as your experience above says, why do they do so and why do individuals take on all the trappings and burdens of being a BK if you still keep "having the experience" if you don't?
Traditionally, orthodox BKs would just say - from the Murlis - that you are just cruising on the good karma that you earned whilst being a pukka BK, in essence using it up or "eating unripe fruit" (actual quote). Hinting that it would run out. Or even wishing it on you, almost, to prove all the extra efforts were worth it.
"Dispute resolution" between BKs was dealt with by phoning the nearest Zone-in-Charge who would listen, mouth platitudes and tell people to have more Yoga and do more service. Conflicts were just boiled down to "clearing Karmic accounts" and it was theorised that the greatest karmic account had to be settled within the BK "family" as it was amongst the BK family that the BK souls had spent the most time reincarnating.
They did not stop to compare patterns of problems arising amongst other 'intentional communities'.
If things got bad, eventually a senior BK would come to the centre for a few days to "give power" and re-vitalise activities.
At one centre I was at, there were personality problems between the center-in-charge and certain Brothers that enventuated with a Senior Sister coming up after the Brothers had complained by phone and letter to the main centre. I did not and don't know what it was all about. I was not a complainant. But I remember everyone in the centre being interviewed by her, including myself.
There were two Sisters living in the apartment which only had one bedroom. One living room was a classroom, the other was a "Baba's room" for meditation which was mostly empty except for the trance light of Lekhraj Kirpalani. Both fairly young Sisters went out to work for a living and to pay the mortgage. Came home and did service. Theirs was a 24/7 lifestyle with no holidays.
One Sister, the one being complained about, eventually had a nervous/physical breakdown and was moved to another quiet centre to recouperate. I don't know what happened, but eventually she left the BKWSU and found a partner.
I've not seen any manual of how the BKs deal with all this. There are some references in the charter I linked to recently. If anyone know more, please post details of it.
It seems different countries have different systems according to how much control individuals will tolerate, or how confident they are. For example, in most countries you have to be a full BK for many years before you can open a centre, but in the USA, a couple that had money but did not following the principles were offered to open one.