Hi Mann,
When a person is going through stuff, they get caught up in the details, too close, and miss the over-arching patterns that someone viewing from a distance can.
What I read in your posts is that your relationship with the BKs is very transactional, even the dialogue is a kind of haggling.
Then your relationship with ”Baba” to me sounds like an inner dialogue between you (the conscious you) and your unfulfilled expectations, ideals, wannabes, shoulda beens.
That it manifests so readily in the way it does, as a kind of voice, indicates to me that you are not doing what you really want to be doing but are not sure what it is you really want to be doing. And the only ”language" you have to express feelings and impulses is the BK language, and that is only going to tell you, repeat back to you, what BKs repeat ad nauseum
And from what you say, it does make some people sick to the stomach, literally! It may partly be nerves, but it can also be exacerbated by an inner knowing that its all an act, a well rehearsed role that garners applause, and that applause is addictive.
The other pattern i see from afar that you may be missing is how much your family care for you, how they are frustrated and unable to find a means of communicating their love for you other than being critical of that which they see is harming you. Maybe you can find a way to relate to your mum or dad or your closest sibling, or an aunt or uncle you feel close to ... relate in a way that is not based on words and debates but just enjoy each others company and rekindle the closeness most have with families when we are younger and less opinionated, less eager to prove we are different.
Maybe express some gratitude to them might be a positive opener of a new dialogue. Gratitude brings Grace - the words are twins that cannot be separated.
When a person is going through stuff, they get caught up in the details, too close, and miss the over-arching patterns that someone viewing from a distance can.
What I read in your posts is that your relationship with the BKs is very transactional, even the dialogue is a kind of haggling.
Then your relationship with ”Baba” to me sounds like an inner dialogue between you (the conscious you) and your unfulfilled expectations, ideals, wannabes, shoulda beens.
That it manifests so readily in the way it does, as a kind of voice, indicates to me that you are not doing what you really want to be doing but are not sure what it is you really want to be doing. And the only ”language" you have to express feelings and impulses is the BK language, and that is only going to tell you, repeat back to you, what BKs repeat ad nauseum
And from what you say, it does make some people sick to the stomach, literally! It may partly be nerves, but it can also be exacerbated by an inner knowing that its all an act, a well rehearsed role that garners applause, and that applause is addictive.
The other pattern i see from afar that you may be missing is how much your family care for you, how they are frustrated and unable to find a means of communicating their love for you other than being critical of that which they see is harming you. Maybe you can find a way to relate to your mum or dad or your closest sibling, or an aunt or uncle you feel close to ... relate in a way that is not based on words and debates but just enjoy each others company and rekindle the closeness most have with families when we are younger and less opinionated, less eager to prove we are different.
Maybe express some gratitude to them might be a positive opener of a new dialogue. Gratitude brings Grace - the words are twins that cannot be separated.