XBK Chat (unofficial archive)

tomas · Joined: 18 Feb 2006 Posts: 9 Location: Bronx, New York

Hi, everyone

For those of you who don't know me, I'm an ex-bk and a young man as well. I joined the US Navy in 1999 at the age of 17 and was discharge from the military in 2003. After my military discharge, I went through a lot of negative experiences that caused me an existential vacum. I lost my reason for living and life didn't make sense. As I was experiencing this pain I became depressed and the pain I felt compelled me to reach towards the ski, in a hotel room, during a roadtrip to Las Vegas, Nevada, USA, and ask God to please take my life for I can stand the pain of my existance. I didn't experience an instant answer to my suffering, however I was able to keep living having the faith that I could make it all I needed was to school, where I intended to become happy. Those ideas were proven wrong the judge of time. After my inability to adopt to the lifestyle lived by people in Las Vegas, I moved to new york in a very disturbed manner. Soon God answer my prayer and I met the Brahma Kumaris from whom I learn great deal, although I have to admit that I was not able to lead an honest celibate life. After failing my eternal father, I had to be hospitalized to cope with disturbance I had experienced. After my discharge from the hospital, I acted as a lone striver, with the will to lead a life with brahmin, principals outside of the brahmin world. Anyways this has fail too.

Now since those of you who hadn't known my profile now have it I would like to ask those who understand this things, It is possible to live with God and experience Human Sexual intercourse? Can you be the master of yourself and Seek sexual gratification as walk through this life, this world, right here, or are we just doom to become slave of the senses? thank you for taking the to read this, and your comment will be truly valued and respected.
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With you, I learn and grow

Joel · Joined: 09 Nov 2004 Posts: 102

Tete · Joined: 26 Jan 2005 Posts: 169

Tomas,

Thank you little one for telling us you are young and your questions are with a purity of heart.

Gracias Papito por decirnos que eres tierno y que tus preguntas son con toda pureza.

When I was a child my mother (who was very religious) had a little talk with me. She explained that yes, we were all God's children and she explained to me some things that she said had to do with intimacy - but at the time I didn't fully understand what that was.

She worked in a hospital and on occasion she would take me there and so I knew the place well and was happy there. With your dad being a doctor you will be able to relate. On this day she sat me down to have one of her many talks with me (I was a cute little girl with many curls and big eyes ... .some people say I talk with my eyes). She explained that as a little angel (as you know within our culture we see children as being pure of heart ... without malice) I was to help out with a task that was very important. A man had been severely burned, his family was afraid of him and so he lost the will to live. I honestly didn't fully grasp that but I listened.

She then told me that knowing God was to be able to love anyone no matter what their condition, nor how they looked physically, we had to look within, look into their eyes and see their spirit (soul..su Alma). She then told me how he would look scary at first as he was all bandaged up but I would be able to hear his voice and see his eyes. I was to sit with him, keep him company, talk to him and have meals with him. I was told he was very lonely, sad, often cried and needed touch. So, she then explained that even when we can't physically touch someone we can still reach them with our mind (I recall I had trouble with this part).

So, our first meeting took place after our talk. She introduced me and I remember his eyes gazing at my little being, I broke a slight smile and looked up at my mother. I remember thinking he looked like a mummy. Soon I took my place on a chair next to his hospital bed with my little coloring pencils, paper and my doll. Soon my mother waved as she was off to do her work and so our first chat began.

Soon my daily visits were greeted with "mi Nina" as I would enter the room and I began to see him beyond his bandages into this beautiful person I knew within. We laughed, talked, ate together and on occasion we cried together (when he would remember his little girl and little boy). Soon word got back to his family and they came by one day when we were telling each other stories. I remember his little girl seemed jealous and his wife asked if I was his little visitor. I remember my mother walking in behind them and asking me to come along. I remember she said that my task was done.

Years later I asked her about this and she was surprised I remembered. She told me that when people receive love they attain the will to live, she knew that by me being with him he would get better and that soon his family would come around. She asked me if I remember him as scary and I said I did not. She then told me that was because I had seen beyond the physical at an early age.

In relation to the post Brahmin "state" where XBKs are trying to connect again with feeling, touching, loving and allowing themselves to be loved, I began to connect to memories in my past. I was moved by one here who is very genuine in his questions and loving in his intent. So, I will share this memory with you of my family in true fellowship of the human condition we are all part of.

I remembered my mother sitting all of the children down when my baby brother was almost a year old. I remember it was a serious talk. She explained that my brother couldn't hear. We as a family had to help him. Doctors had told her he was developmentally delayed, but being a nurse, midwife, massage/bone therapist she believed otherwise. She told us he had to connect his body with his head/mind. He had to connect to the world around him, by developing other senses and feeling the world.

And so we took on the daily challenge of teaching him to sit, to crawl, to walk and connect. We would all take turns, sometimes we worked as a team, one showing him how to crawl the other propping him up with a small blanket. When he would cry inconsolably, we would give him a bubble bath and slowly let the water drop on his head (to feel/stimulate/sense). Once he seemed relaxed, we would cream him up, massage him and wrap him all up. Then we were instructed to hold him until he looked in our eyes and connected, surrendered to our loving little gaze (we were little girls). If he smiled it was a good sign and soon he would fall asleep.

Through out the years we did this until he had all his surgeries and was able to hear. Over the years we saw it as a natural thing to do and part of daily life. Today he is the smartest one of us all, with a very high IQ and smiles politely.

In response to what Joel said I will agree in that we all (young and old) are in need of the human touch, the verbal touch and human love. Upon entering the world and upon leaving it as I am in agreement with Joel, it is my belief and my experience in life that this is true.

I can recall taking care of my premature baby daily with love and placing my baby skin to skin to assure that my baby would thrive. I have a picture of my baby looking up at me as I give my baby a bath in the bathroom sink (that is just how small my baby was) and the look of love in those eyes as they connect/embrace. I call it the "Picture of love". You can tell that baby as small and fragile was able to receive and give love back at that early stage in life.

Like Joel states we can't help but respond to a baby's cry and to my surprise the cry of a premature infant sets off an instinct unlike I had not known before. I also learned for the first time that such tiny babies can coo and the sound they make is remarkable. I taped it as it is unique beyond explanation. Communication at its purest form!

I had a profound experience with a man I cared for while going to college. At the time I was working with another man during a 7pm to 7am shift and had returned home after my morning classes for a nap. My mother was waiting for me with lunch and she wanted to have a talk ... my mother was not the type of woman to say "later" to.

She explained that R's wife had called and that the agency called to say they gave out my number as she was in quite a state (upset). So, before doing anything else I was told to call his wife. Oh, she was very sweet and apologized for asking me this (her husband was refusing the care of anyone but me) knowing I was tired and she knew I had asked to be transferred out (I thought at the time her husband was sweet on me). I was wrong! Youth! I didn't understand at a young age the intimacy needed by disabled individuals and he didn't explain what he needed. Today doctors and allied health are more involved in these needs so not to have miscommunication. So, after much pleading and my mother looking at me I told her I would be right over.

When I arrived R. was like a little boy happy as pie to see me and shooing off the gal assigned to him. I reprimanded him about this as he was quite rude. He shook his head winking at me and said how glad he was to see me. He looked over at his wife and told her he knew I would come. So, I inquired what had been done and what hadn't been done. To my surprise nothing as he refused any assistance from the gal there.

So, off we went with him in a wheel chair to his bathroom to shower him, trim his hair, shave him etc. He was a big man but I handled it fine as he always helped me as he was always looking at me in a certain way ( I later saw that look in my baby's eyes). When I got him out of the shower I remember he said, "When you care for me you do it like my mother would, nothing is too much for you and you always make me feel beautiful". He would often look at me with those big blue eyes and get tears. I remember telling him he was just charming me. So, I creamed him up (for circulation and also because infirmed folks lack touch) put his cologne on and he looked like the president of the bank again when dressed. He was a handsome man and very gracious.

When we were all done his wife was waiting in the bedroom and he looked at her and told her some thing like "Here is your handsome guy", and then asked to be moved over to the bed. He got in, I thought for a nap, but asked his wife to come onto the bed with him. So, there they were looking like a cute couple holding hands. He said I could take my nap as they were going to talk and so off I went to the den where I fell fast asleep.

About two hours later I woke up as they were about in the kitchen. I asked if that was all he wanted or needed from me as his gal in charge was back. He said he would be eternally thankful to me for making him handsome and asked his wife to give me an envelope and asked that I open it later. He wanted to kiss me goodbye and by this time being so tired I no longer put up an argument and agreed (his wife motioned that it was OK).

So, off I went in search of much needed sleep.

The next morning I got I call. It was R.'s wife. She wanted me to know that during my nap he had told her many wonderful things and that he felt special/handsome. They held hands and shared some wonderful insights on their life together, their children and the many trips they took together ... .and that he loved her. She then said he wanted to go to sleep early ... and died in his sleep. He was only in his 50's. She said she thought he knew he was dying and wanted to go looking handsome and being handsome on the last day they had together. He wanted to leave her with some very special memories. She told me he was thankful in that I allowed him his dignity and did things for him willingly with love.

She wanted me to know how much she appreciated that I took care of him with love and devotion. He would apparently tell her at night about all our little chats too.

We said goodbye and I went and got the envelope from my purse. It had $500 dollars and a note which must have taken him some time to write as he had suffered a stroke and was confined to a wheel chair with little use of his hands. He wrote me some thing personal that I shared with him and what his insight into that was. It amazed me that he cared enough to think it all through...so, he gave me a gift of his knowledge that I often think about.

So, Tomas as you can see we are all human beings in need of touch, verbal praise, friendship and love. Loving someone shouldn't be wrong, sharing of one's self is not wrong, and there are many ways to love. There are many ways we touch others that come to us on our journey in this life. We often can serve God more fully when we are "IN LOVE" as everything seems like a wonder, we bounce as we walk, we greet each day with joy and we laugh.

You are young man and as such you are like that fresh flower, a breath of fresh air, a new beginning. You are seeking to be a self actualized young man and finding your way in this world. Don't think for a minute you have failed anyone for being human. I can remember someone telling me that to discover love with someone that loves you completely and sees all your flaws feels like being in your mothers arms again.

If you experience (avail your self to experience) love in the purest form you will begin to see that in loving there is a spirituality that can be attained. After all even in the BK Golden Age they seek to have unions. Here and now, upon solid ground we must admit that we are humans in need of the human touch for our very survival, as detachment is for objects not humans. Claro como Joel dice, siempre cuando uno tiene responsabilidad y claritud sana. Everything has consequences both positive and negative depending on any given condition. From a similar cultural base I point out the folks of Puerto Rico, who are the touchiest people on the planet and have many similarities with your Island. You are human and culturally you need that verbal connection and the physical touch. Si?

So, Papito I hope these stories of people in need of love, compassion, finding the will to live, the ability to love and charting their own path as they go onto their final journey help, as in giving love we receive love.

Tete

P.S. Tomas the poem below is my gift to you as I found the meaning within your writings. Idea

El AMOR PURO NO TIENE PECADO ENGLISH VERSION BELOW

Mi Corazon sentia,
Mi Corazon dolia,
Mi Corazon llamaba,

Mi Corazon sufria,
Mi Corazon sabia te buscaba,
Mi Corazon te llamaba ,

Mi Corazon te toco y te encontro,
Mi Corazon sonreia,
Mi Corazon te reconocia,

A un estoy aqui vivo otro dia,
Para amar como mi Corazon queria,
Buscando con passion otro dia.

PURE LOVE HAS NO SIN

My Heart felt,
My Heart hurt,
My Heart called out.

My heart suffered,
My heart knew I looked for you,
My heart called you.

My heart touched you and found you,
My heart smiled,
My heart recognized you.

I am still alive another day,
To love as my heart wanted and needed,
Looking with passion for another day.

Tete@2006

ex-london · Joined: 18 Jul 2005 Posts: 131