XBK Chat (unofficial archive)

double_light

I wonder if someone has the experience of psychic illness after leaving BK. I understand that many have suffered of confusion probably leading to depression. So did I. But not only...

When the depression got so deap at some point it turned into a psychosis (disconnection with reality and the real world). Suddenly I thought I was an angel, I could see light around me, I was allmighty and announcing the destruction was to come, wanting to tell everyone that they were to become angels... When it became to obvious that I was ill I was taken to the mental hospital. I was there for 2 and half weeks. These was 3 years ago.

After that I had been through a process of learning again how to think with my own head and not letting anyone telling me how to live my life or how to be happy.

All these process was painfull. The confusion was total sometimes. Didn't know what to believe any longer. The BK was an experience that I chose and the espiritual experience I had long for so long... I have some very good memories from the BK. But it was after leaving BK that the "real" journey of getting to know myself started.

Has someone here experienced such mental confusion that it turned into psychosis or delusion or any other kind od mental illness?
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XBK, happy with the present moment

flipper · Joined: 03 May 2005 Posts: 14 Location: england

Dear Double Light

My answer is yes! for many years I still thought like a BK, I was detatched from the world unable to create and sustain relationships I kept thinking one day I would return, I felt guilty that Id let down the Bk family and myself, I had disturbed thoughts, that whilst identifying with a fundamental religion how simular I was to other people who were also thinking likewise, ie the al-qieda lot, who simulary believe that through their actions they will go to the promised land. I had become a "sleeper", waiting for my signal to return. Yes it was a totally unhealthy period, I daren't confide my thoughts to a doctor or an atheist pychologist, but I came through I had to go through a kind of divorce,
and now Im happy, connected enjoy loving relationships and most enjoy being alive. I look after myself, accept feeling vunerable at times and see that as a state of beauty.
Its a beautiful world we are all very fortunate x

administrator · Site Admin Joined: 15 Nov 2003 Posts: 48

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double_light · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 8:56 am Post subject:

Thank you flipper!

Nice to read your reply. I know that many xBKs and even BKs deal with depression, disconnection from reality and guilt... Guilt all the time... Sometimes it feels almost like it was a trap. Everything was so smooth in the beggining of my time in gyan, the knowledge, to be arround spiritual people, the Murli, I really thought I had found a path that would take me directelly to God... Unfortunatelly with time the other side started to show itself... And that was not a pretty sight.

My best thoughts to everyone that holds within the wish of becomeing free and happy again! There is hope! And yes, this is a wonderfull world we live in! Far away from perfect, but wonderfull! That we are happy and spread those happiness feelings arround just can make the world become even better!
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XBK, happy with the present moment

Joel · Joined: 09 Nov 2004 Posts: 102

marqu · Joined: 29 May 2005 Posts: 15 Location: Amsterdam

Fantastic, you all became yourself again! Although I had a wonderful time in the BK I also saw what was going on.
In the beginning they teach you to be master over your thoughts. Positive thinking. For me it worked almost immediately. After a while it is manmat to think for your self and you are pressed to think the thoughts of the BK.
And there you loose your self.
Now I understand the difference between manmat and intuition.
When we are instruments of God... we live according to our intuition and our own conversation with God or our higher self.
Manmat is living according our Ego. What the BK wants is living according the BK rules.
I could not talk with some BKs because they talked BK. No word came out of their selves. Not from their heart.
Not all of them. There are many BKs who talk from their hearts. But sometimes they are afraid to speak aloud about their doubts or their own intuition.
I also remember once a sister said in a big gathering, that she was doubtful. The sister who was in charge, was very hard on her in public.
She put her down in a very unpleasand way. Not at all loving or peaceful or understanding. And we all kept quite. Nobody said a word. So did I. I let her down at that moment. It is all fear.

A friend of mine was doubtful about the knowledge, but he did not tell anyone in the BK family. I asked him why not? He told me he was afraid for his position.
All those thinks make us loose our own self. Luckily not for ever. One day we wake up and find ourselves again en connect with God! Each in our own beautiful way. Just like you did.

Marja
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There is life after BK!

hanuman · Joined: 23 Jun 2004 Posts: 174

Double Light,

You just have to keep on taking good care of yourself. One day you will be able to help others who are recovering from with drawing from a spiritual path.
When I was officially banished from BKSU, my recovery was instantaneous. A few hours after I did feel angry that BKs would tell lies against me in order to destroy me. I would no lomger be able to put BK infront of my name. That did not bother me! Cool

A soul is not made up of titles or name stickers. When a soul begins to think that he or she is a plastering of titles, then that can be dangerous for the soul. It is also not a sin to cultivate a healthy ego. I immediately realized that a world of lies even from BKs could do me no harm Smile

. I needed to get along with my role in life. I also felt that God Almighty Himself and the Nature from day 1 of my role as a BK had been preparing me for the day I would be banished. I had been given the keys and tools by the Great Magician and there was no one on Earth or elsewhere who could take them away from me! Smile

.

At the time I was reading a novel, The White Ninja, by Eric Von LasBader. Nicholas Lanier, the hero of the story and a highly developed ninja was undergoing a spiritual crisis in which his physical and metaphysical skills as a ninja were weakened. He was also betrayed by one of his ninja teachers. Nicholas by invoking inner latent powers from inside of him was able to transform himself from a shiro ninja (white ninja) to an aka ninja (black or red ninja). The story was inspiring.

I was living in New York City at the time. I had decided not to go to the center. I would meditate and read old Murlis. On Sundays I would even go to Central Park and meditate. The help can from within due to the intervention of the Great Magician. In NYC each corner I turned there were souls, xBKs and non-BKs who extended spiritual hands and helped metaphysically. I learned that God's Love does not evaporate when a BK becomes an xBK. The love may be re-directed.

As a BK I would turn up my nose on astrology. One day after fasting and meditating, a clear message was received by me to apply to a specific University. I applied. I also carefully selected an astrologer to construct a profile on me. The profile advised that I should return to school for advanced studies. Several weeks later I was accepted by the university.
The astrologer has been my personal astrologer for more than 14 years.
At the university, it was as though I was one of the three princes of Serendip.
We the xBKs must always remember that we reincarnated at a time in world history in which our generation is the generation which has made contact with External Energies which are beyond sound. That is our astrological/spiritual birth right. We may leave gyan. However, the Force, the Source of gyan will never leave us!
As ASLAN said in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe: '.......There is a Magic That is deeper still........'
Cool

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Om Shanti,
To my brothers and sisters.

Love to you all,
Errol bhai

double_light · Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:41 am Post subject:

Hi Joel!

Thanks for your honesty. Iknow how sensitive this subject may be sometimes.

You wrote:

double_light · Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 3:49 am Post subject:

Hi Marja!

You wrote:

gyaniwasi · Joined: 22 Feb 2004 Posts: 167

double_light said:

double_light · Posted: Wed Jul 27, 2005 4:51 am Post subject:

I am sorry to hear about your friend Gyaniwasi... Sad

Unfortunatelly there is many people that feel attracted to the knowledge because they are already feeling depressed. It feels like such a nice place to come to when you're sad... Loving people, looking no-judjemental, feeling of peace... Unfortunatelly all those nice feelings most of people get when arriving there won't last that longer... And absolutelly not when leaving the BKs...

I really don't wish to anyone what I have been through after leaving it... Even if I don't regret anything... As I said, I searched for that experience, I'm happy I had it so I can move forward with my life and don't think more about it!

Light and Love
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XBK, happy with the present moment