Jokes

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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post13 Jan 2015

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. ( At this point the husband started choking up) My wife put a small scratch on the drivers door...

Sergeant: Don’t worry sir. We’ll find your truck.
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post13 Jan 2015

That's actually quite funny and could say something deep about the difference between male and female minds. Not sure what though.

How would it apply to BKs?
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post14 Jan 2015

Can’t jokes stand on their own terms?

I wouldn’t say male/female - more about what’s important to people and how we can take each other for granted.

Many women could be made the butt of that joke, maybe who know the latest gossip or internet fads but have no idea about what their husband does for a living or in his free time.

BKs? Well, maybe no idea what’s going on in the world or local community or even what they are becoming physically (eg obesity) and emotionally (narcissistic, or arrogant? ) but can tell you where the Dadis are touring, the latest Murli points or are absorbed in their " battles with Maya" for wanting to go see a film or their jealousy of another BK’s position.
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Re: Jokes

Post14 Jan 2015

No, I was just wondering what male BKs put that part of their brain to work on.

I think I may have posted this before ... it's Osho, Bhagwan Rajneedh, talking and joking about men, wmen and the BKs.

Funnily enough, he mention the numerous failed predictions of Destruction.
OSHO, MY WIFE HAS BECOME A Brahma Kumari OF THE RAJ YOGIS OF PREJAPITA Brahma IN MOUNT ABU. IT IS HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT HER WAY, ESPECIALLY HER IDEAL OF PURITY AND HER BELIEVING IN SUCH THINGS AS THE FIVE THOUSAND YEAR CYCLE OF MANKIND WHICH WILL END IN ABOUT 1987 IN A BIG ATOMIC WAR AND NATURAL CATASTROPHES TO START A NEW Golden Age. WHAT CAN I DO?
Prem Hari,

YOU NEED NOT do anything. Let her have her own way. You can see the nonsense that she is falling into, but that is her freedom, and one learns only by experience. If you try to pull her out she will not be able to live her experience totally.

In the first place it will be almost impossible for you to pull her out because mind functions in a very different way. Your very effort will push her deeper into the mire. And a husband particularly is the last person to transform a wife or convert a wife - impossible. Wives can convert husbands very easily, but husbands have never been known to convert wives.

A wife can nag you - she knows the art, that is part of her feminineness. She will torture you in such subtle ways that finally you have to give in. It is very difficult to find a husband who is not henpecked.

All husbands are bound to be henpecked. If somebody is not henpecked that simply means that he is not a husband. He may be somebody else but he is not a husband. And every husband knows it and every wife knows it. But wives are very clever. They go on giving the sense to the husband that he is the master, and deep down they know who is the master, so what is wrong in it, let him pretend. So he can go and walk in the streets and in the factories and in the offices as if he is the master!

The wife gives him enough rope. But remember, it is a rope and the wife keeps the other end in her hand. Enough rope she gives - go on pretending - but she is the real master.

So if your wife was trying to get you out of the hold of these so-called Prejapita Brahma and their Brahma Kumaris then it would have been very easy. But it will be almost impossible for you.

And I think it is a good chance to get rid of her. Don't miss the opportunity. People are so foolish.

When opportunity knocks on the door they complain about the noise!

A Jewish comedian telling jokes about women: "Now take my wife, for instance... please!!!"

It is such a good opportunity, such a golden opportunity for you. You are out of the mousetrap. Why do you want to get into the mousetrap again? Let her do her own thing. She will learn by bitter experience. I know these fools because I have been visiting Mount Abu for almost twenty years.

India has given birth to two of the most stupid religious movements. One is Hare Krishna - that has become worldwide. The other is these Brahma Kumaris, it has not reached the whole world, it has remained confined to India. They talk utter nonsense, and they talk with authority. And they go on saying everything. This date that you mention that in 1987 this world will end... This date has changed many times in thirty years, and it will change again. But fools are fools. '87 is not far away, only seven years. And you will see that in '87 it will become something else - '97 or 2000 will be exact, the right time. It goes on, it goes on changing. And people are so foolish, they go on believing.

The world is not going to end in any atomic war for the simple reason ... not that humanity has become non-violent, not that it has heard the message of Buddha and Mahavira and has dropped all violence, no. It has come to a point where total war is possible. Strange it is, what Buddha and Mahavira could not do Albert Einstein has been able to do. The discovery of atomic energy on one hand has been one of the most dangerous discoveries because two cities, Hiroshima and Nagasaki, were destroyed within minutes. One hundred thousand people in Hiroshima were reduced to nothingness within three minutes. But on the other hand, the discovery of atomic energy is going to change the whole future of humanity because it has made it possible to go into a total war.

All the wars in the past - and they have been many... In three thousand years we have fought five thousand wars. But they were partial wars. Even the First World War and the Second World War should not be called World Wars because the whole world was not really involved. A major part was involved but not the whole. The Third World War will be the first and the last World War, first and last both because it will be total destruction. Nobody can win it - that is one of the greatest blessings - that nobody can win it, neither Russia nor America. The difference between the victor and the defeated will be a difference of only ten minutes at the most because if America attacks Russia first then it will take ten minutes for Russia to attack America. Just ten minutes! Or vice versa. And we have so many atom bombs and hydrogen bombs available that the whole of humanity can be destroyed seven hundred times. In fact, a person simply dies on the first attempt. There is no need to kill a person seven hundred times. But politicians are very calculative: in case some body survives they have made it in such a way that there is no possibility to survive. Not only men but trees and birds and insects, and all the amoebas you are suffering from. All will be destroyed.

In fact before the Third World War you cannot be free of amoebas! Amoebas are the longest-living beings. An amoeba can live at least one hundred thousand years. They are immortals, gods. And their reproduction system is really aesthetic. Man's reproductive system is very ugly compared to the amoebas.

Amoebas are brahmacharis, celibates, absolute celibates. There are not females and males, remember. The way the amoeba reproduces itself is a very different one. The amoeba simply goes on becoming fatter and fatter and fatter, and then it splits in two; then there are two amoebas.

Both are fathers, both are sons. And then they go on, start eating and becoming fatter and fatter, and a moment comes when they split into four. This is a beautiful way to reproduce.

Just think of a man doing pushups on a woman. What nonsense! Amoebas must be laughing! What are you doing?

I have heard a story.

The first human couple reached Mars. And of course they were interested to know how the Martians reproduce. So they asked the first Martian couple they met, "How do They said, "It is very simple."

They invited the couple into their home. They opened the freezer and brought out two bottles of some strange chemicals. In a jar they mixed those chemicals in the same proportions. They put the jar back into the freezer And they said, "After nine months we will have a baby."

The human couple was very much puzzled. "What kind of reproduction is this?"

Then they asked, "And how do YOU reproduce?" And so they started making love. And while the man was doing pushups on the woman - because they were Christian and they knew only the missionary posture... that is the missionary posture, the Christian posture. Those two Martians, the Martian couple, started laughing. They laughed so much that tears came to their eyes. And of course the human couple was feeling very awkward.

When they were finished they asked, "Why you are laughing?"

They said, "This is the way we make coffee!"

Amoebas must be laughing at you and all the tantrikas and all the tantra methods, and amoebas must be laughing at the whole nonsense. Nonsense in the sense that they have a very simple method. No sex is involved at all. They are non-sexual beings. In fact they are the only eligible beings to enter into paradise.

Your wife has gone into some stupid ideology. It is good riddance. Forget her. She will come to her senses if you don't try to force her. And the world is not going to end, because everybody is aware that now war has become meaningless. The whole meaning of war is in getting victorious.

Now nobody can be the victor. The days of war are over, the days of love are coming. And this world is not going to end, but certainly it is going to go through a tremendous change, a radical transformation.

I am preparing you for that radical transformation. I want you to be the future of humanity.

And of course, you are worried about her ideal of purity.

Indians have very strange ideas about purity. They have suffered much because of that. The whole country lives with such deep suppression, with such deep unnaturalness that everybody is miserable, everybody is sad and serious.

Just the other day three Indians came to visit; they had come from one of our friends, so Sheela received them as guests. And they were very rich people, belonging to the topmost, richest society of Bombay. One of them asked Sheela, "We have heard many things about free sex here. This is against spirituality, this is against religion" and all kinds of things. And then one of them asked, "Why don't we see many Indians here?"

Sheela said, "First you go... because you have come to see the ashram... first you have a look around the ashram. You will have a better perspective, and then we can sit and talk."

And the same man, do you know what he did? In the fashion department - Padma was alone - he grabbed her breasts. The same man who was asking why there are so few Indians.

Then Sheela told him, "Now, you know" - he was caught red-handed - "why there are so few Indians.

We have to throw them out. Now we have to throw you out." We would have given you a good beating and handed you over to the police, but because you have come from a friend, a well-wisher of our commune, we will not do anything to you. We'll just throw you out."

Now a rich person, well-educated, behaves in such a way and thinks himself spiritual. Indians have a strange idea of spirituality. Their whole mind is sexual and they talk of purity in the sense of no sexuality - to drop sexuality is to be pure. Then only amoebas are pure.

You cannot be pure because you are born out of sexuality in the first place. How can you be pure?

You cannot change your birth, it has already happened. You came out of your mother and Father's sexuality. Half the cells of your body belong to your Father, and half the cells belong to your mother.

They are sexual, those cells are sexual. Hence each man carries within him a woman - his mother.

And each woman carries a man within her - her Father. And now psychologists have come to a certain insight into it.

You will fall in love many times but every time you will feel frustrated for the simple reason that deep down the cells of your mother are projecting a chemistry in you which can be fulfilled only if you can find a replica of your mother in your beloved. And that is impossible. Where will you find your mother as your beloved? Or where are you going to find your Father as your lover? Hence ALL love affairs are bound to fail. They can only be temporary affairs, no love affair can be permanent. Stable it can be. Stable only because of security, convenience. But no love affair can be really fulfilling for the simple reason, a basic reason, that each man is trying to find his mother in the woman he loves.

And of course that woman is totally different. She comes from a different sexual source: her Father was different, her mother was different.

You fall in love with a woman who has something similar to your mother - maybe the color of the hair, maybe her eyes, maybe her nose, maybe her shape.

Just a few days ago, Vivek brought to me a picture of Krishna Prem's mother. It was amazing! The mother looks exactly like Vasumati, exactly like Vasumati - the nose, the face. And Krishna Prem has been gay for many years, and suddenly seeing Vasumati his gayness has disappeared. He has fallen in love with a woman. And he has not even been consciously aware of his mother's existence because his mother died very early. I think he was only two months old or something when his mother died, so he does not remember. But the chemistry remembers.

Each cell has its own memory. Falling in love with Vasumati, here in the ocean of so many women, just finding Vasumati is strange - and that too for a person who has remained gay for many many years. In fact, it was one of his problems. He was asking again and again, "How can I get rid of my homosexuality?" And suddenly the meeting with Vasumati and the homosexuality disappeared. He has found something similar.

But it can be only similar; hence when they asked, "Can we live together?" I said, "Beware. If you live together then the relationship will be very short-lived. If you remain aloof and meet only once in

a while, then your relationship can be prolonged, can be far more enriching." And they understood it. They both understood it, which is rare. Because when you are in love you are crazy, you don' t understand anything. You go cuckoo . But they both understood. They both proved that they can see things clearly. They remain separate. Only once in a while - two, three times a week they meet.

Now this can be a lifelong relationship... unless I disturb it!

So, Prem Hari, it is good. Thank these Brahma Kumaris of Mount Abu - they have been of tremendous help to you.

Abe died of a massive heart attack. His wife, Rose, followed Abe's instructions and had him cremated. She insisted on taking the ashes home to their small apartment in Brooklyn, and had the following conversation:

"Abe, remember the Cadillac you promised me? Well, here are the keys.

"Abe, remember the trip to Europe you promised me? Well, here is the ticket.

"Abe, remember the condo in Miami Beach you promised me? Well, here are the keys.

"Abe, remember that blow job you always wanted? Well, here it is!" (And she blows the ashes....

"phooow! ") What else can you expect from a wife?

Don't be bothered at all. Let her try her own way; and everybody has the freedom to do whatsoever he likes, she likes. Don't interfere. You be on your path and let her seek her own path. She will come sooner or later because nobody is so foolish as to remain trapped into something ridiculous.

But it helps many people at least to get rid of their absurd ideas.

In this world everything has a purpose. There are so many fools - that's why there are so many foolish philosophies. Wherever there is a demand there is going to be a supply. So your wife must have needed something like that.

And it is not time for her to come to me. Let her wander around.

There is a famous Sufi story: a man went in search of a Master. He was ready to go around the world, but he was determined to find the Master, the true Master, the Perfect Master.

Outside his village he met an old man, a nice fellow, sitting under a tree. He asked the old man, "Have you ever heard in your long life - you look like a wanderer..."

He said, "Yes, I am a wanderer. I wandered all over the earth."

The man said, "That is the right kind of person. Can you suggest to me where I should go? I want to be a disciple of a Perfect Master."

The old man suggested a few addresses to him, and the young man thanked him and went on.

After thirty years of wandering around the earth and finding nobody who was exactly fulfilling his expectations, he came back dejected, depressed. the moment he was entering his village he saw the old man who had become very old now, sitting under The Tree. And suddenly he recognized that he is the Master! He fell at his feet and he said, "Why did not you say it to me, that you are the Master?"

The old man said, "But that was not time for you. You could not recognize me. You needed some experience. Wandering around the earth has given you a certain maturity, a certain understanding.

Now you can see. Last time you had met me, but you had not seen me. You had missed. You were asking me about some Master. That was enough proof that you could not see me, you could not feel my presence, you could not smell the fragrance. You were utterly blind; hence I gave you some bogus addresses so you could go. But even to be with wrong people is good, because that is how one learns. Fol thirty years I have been waiting for you here, I have not left this tree."

In fact the young man, who was not young anymore, looked at The Tree and was even more surprised.

Because in his dreams, in his visions he was always seeing that tree and there was always a feeling that he would find The Master sitting under this tree. Last time he had not seen The Tree at all. The Tree was there, the Master was there, EVERYthing was ready but HE was not ready.

Prem Hari, let her wander, let her search. Don't try to pull her here, otherwise she will even distract you. You have come home. Drink as much wine as you can out of me. Maybe your transformation will help her too.

These are not things which can be proved or argued about. And never argue with a woman, because you will always be defeated because she does not argue logically. She simply jumps from one conclusion to another while the man follows the hard way - he completes the whole process of arguments. That's why it is almost impossible between husband and wife to come to any conclusion.

Mulla Nasruddin was saying to me, "I have never argued with my wife in my whole life."

I said, "How did you manage it?"

He said, "The day we got married we decided that every non-essential thing" - remember DESIDERATA - "every non-essential thing she has to decide. And I will decide only the essential ones. And we have remained true to our contract."

I said, "What are the non-essential things?"

He said, "Almost everything."

"And what are the essential things?"

He said, "For example: whether God exists or not whether Jimmy Carter should be chosen again or not whether communism is the right thing or not. How many hells are there? - one or seven. All the essential things I decide. And everything else... what type of car to purchase, what kind of food to eat, what kind of restaurant to go to, what kind of movie to see, where the children are to be sent - which school, which hostel... Almost everything is a non-essential thing. It covers everything except the most essential. That I decide. And there is no argument, there is no question of argument."

I think that is great wisdom. If every husband and wife divided..."You decide the non-essential and I will decide the essential" - because ANYWAY the wife is going to decide it, so why bother?

Leave her alone. You be transformed. Maybe seeing the transformation in you, seeing your blessing and benediction, she may be transformed. She may be converted. That is the only possibility. But not by dragging her, not by pulling her out, but helping her to be herself. Tell her, "You are completely free." Don't make her feel guilty. That is ugly and irreligious.
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because.parmeshwar

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Re: Jokes

Post15 Jan 2015

The Biggest Joke (sadly ... it is real).
They fool others to give their property free, for their seva (business).
They stay there for free, trap people to come to them and ask them to donate.
They live, eat, wear, and accumulate materials like vehicles, TV, Refrigerator and other luxury items out of their followers AND they restrict the same followers who donated to use their own given material.
They use the donated money and build their own property (house) in their personal name and NOT by the name of Yagya.
They rent the built house to their own followers. (Now, the follower has to give rent + donation extra in order to continue with them).
The leaders live in the same old centre building and the process continues ...
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Pink Panther

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Re: Jokes

Post12 Jun 2016

Gee, I was hoping for a good joke, these last few posts are ”off-topic”.

So, to get us back on track...
Moshe, an old Jewish man, is talking to his friend Solomon.
”My son went to Israel and when he came home, he told us he’d converted and become a Christian”.
Solomon replies ”That’s funny. When my son went to Israel, he became a Christian too”.
”Why do you think that happened?”
"I don't know. Let’s go ask the rabbi”.
So both men go to discuss this with their rabbi.

”Rabbi, both of our sons went to Israel, separately mind you, and when they came back, each of them had become christians. What do you think is going on?”
The Rabbi replied ’That’s funny. My son went to Israel and he too came back Christian”.

They discussed all kinds of possibilities and reasons.
After a while, the rabbi said ”I think we need God’s guidance. Let us pray together”, so they all bowed their heads in prayer.

After a minute or so, a booming voice echoed around the room ”That’s funny, my son went to Israel ..."
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post14 Jun 2016

What does a Brahma Kumari leader do to keep her hands so soft, nails so clean, her sari so uncreased, and looking so well rested?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing at all.
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ex-l

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Re: Jokes

Post27 Aug 2016

Organised religion defined ...

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